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dementia journey - Page 13 - Carers UK Forum

dementia journey

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
167 posts
bowlingbun wrote:
Sat Feb 20, 2021 6:48 pm
Peter, is your counsellor really helping you move on at all?
I'm beginning to wonder if someone else might be a bit more helpful.
Hi there.

It’s worth asking I suppose. My counsellor is one of a number I’ve tried and many have been a complete waste of space ( and money). She’s been with me for about a year now and I don’t expect quick results but I do come away after the sessions feeling better and less upset so I believe she’s doing ok. We have a relationship now and that trust takes time so I wouldn’t want to start all over again with someone else.

I appreciate the thought though.
If you feel a bit better each time, although slowly, that's good.
When the Princess Royal Trust for Carers funded some counselling for me, it took me a long time to lower my guard. Just as we'd developed a good relationship, (by chance I was early, and saw him arrive on a beautiful motor bike, and I told him about the one I used to own, a Yamaha RD 250) I found out I'd only been funded for six sessions, and he was leaving!!
I then became so desperate I paid for someone nearer to me. She is great, supported me as mum was dying, and afterwards. know I'll benefit from some more sessions once lockdown is over. I know I could do it on Zoom or similar, but that really doesn't work for me.
Sorry Peter,

that was typo/ word prediction - was typing on my phone. I meant March my phone just added the y.

Strange thing today that has happened before. I’m in my front room just about to walk and turn away from the garden windows when out of the corner of my eye I see movement. For just one instant I believe it’s Bridget standing there and she’s smiling and happy to see me. I’m brought up suddenly with shock. My mind has created a phantom and placed her back home.

As I say, it’s happened before. I suppose I want this to happen so much and my mind is hard wired with her presence in the house. I’ve come home before and seen her through the window, sitting on the sofa.

Normal? I don’t know unless someone admits it’s happened to them.

So it goes on. Peter
When my husband went into the nursing home, I had an experience of sensing him walking around our bed to his side. I often went to bed before him, and he used to creep round so as not to wake me. It certainly was real to me, and quite upsetting, as I so wished it were true! Mind playing tricks and wishful thinking. I don't think it's an abnormal situation in certain circumstances.
I was at a low point last week, and then half awake and half asleep, my husband was with me, saying kind words.
I really don't care if it's normal or not.
If it made me remember happier days, and helps me to live without him better, that's enough for me.
Peter - I think it’s quite normal that you believe you saw Bridget. i live near a church (not where my Dad is buried though). A few months after he died I was walking through the church yard taking a short cut and the sun was shining. As I turned a bend in the path my Dad stood there leaning against a gravestone in just the way he always stood, leaning slightly to one side. The sun was in my eyes but it was clearly him. Then he just disappeared. My heart was pounding and it scared me a bit but I ran home and then I felt a sense of calm and was actually glad it happened.

I recently lost my Mum and if I mislay anything I always ask her to help me find it because she always used to say “say a prayer to St Anthony and he will find it”. Doing her probate paperwork I kept needing certain paperwork and couldn’t find it but I asked Mum and it appeared!
I’v just returned home from seeing Bridget. I’m thinking if I need to see her more often so she’ll have a chance of remembering me. So I’ve phoned the home to ask their advice.

The manager is more concerned with my state of mind as she feels Bridget is well cared for and won’t remember any visit anyway. She says.... You’re relatively young
( I don’t feel it!) so you need to be thinking about yourself more, about moving on. You’re the only one who visits regularly, and although you love your wife there’s only so much you can do, which you’re doing anyway. Only one other man visited his wife
( every evening) and he died one year after she did.

I know it’s advice well meant but I don’t want to “move on” as I feel that would be a betrayal. And anyway, how can anyone move on to a different life when the one they love is still there needing support even at a distance. I’m stuck in limbo and move from ok to misery at a moment’s notice.
On radio 4 today it was said that happiness is accepting the difference between what the world is actually like and our expectations of that world. Intellectually true, emotionally difficult.


I don't see it having to be one or the other.

I'm sure more relatives visit regularly before the pandemic; though not necessarily everyday.

I don't think visiting more regularly will necessarily help Bridget mentally connect visits. From what I have read on here, people have some visits where they are more lucid than others.

Visiting Bridget daily, may take it's toll on you - so perhaps give yourself some days off from visiting and as the restrictions lift - plan some activities for yourself, to give yourself something else to focus on.

I am sure the manager isn't implying you should forget Bridget!. Moving forward doesn't mean that someone stops caring or loving.
167 posts