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dementia journey - Page 12 - Carers UK Forum

dementia journey

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
167 posts
It's 21months since hubby died.
Took me ages to sort out his clothes. Something triggered 1 day, seeing all of his lovely shirts hanging in his wardrobe, getting that yellowing greasy mark on the neckline, his other clothes looking neglected. He was a smart proud man, and it seemed terrible that these items would one day be so ruined that they would end up binned. The animal sanctuary shop had them, so both people and animals were helped hopefully. It wasn't easy, my daughter helped. Lots of things, every day give me a memory. Even my le crueset cookware and dinner service. I'm keeping those as very occasionally get used. I am adjusting, still miss him. He is brought into conversations all the time, not always started by me.
Sorry, shouldn't have jumped in. Just wanted to say.
I want to write this while it’s fresh.

spoke to my counsellor today and I told her of my never ending thoughts about when my life changed forever on 24 th August 2019.

Bridget was taken from me that afternoon after wanting to escape the house. She was taken in the care homes car and that was the last time she was in this house after 17 years. I couldn’t look after her any more and failed in my attempt to keep her and look after her at home. I said “ I can’t look after you anymore Bridge” and she went placidly with the care staff to their car and that was that. My poor love was broken with dementia and I was left with the memory of what I had just done.

I went inside the empty house and it was like she’d died there and then. I had no one for the rest of that day and I was in shock. What had I done? But there was no turning back, although I strongly considered bringing her home many times I was that desperate.

Its in the past I know but I still feel wretched about letting her go and the way it was done. The was no preparation for her going, no choices or discussion, just an awful scene of the tragedy of dementia with Bridget desperately trying to leave her home, begging me to help her.

Although I’m advised to try and put it out of my mind I can’t. I think I’ll always believe I let her down.
Sorry, had to get it down and out there.
Ok Peter,
Looking at it from another perspective. Imagine on 24th August you had changed your mind and kept Bridget at home with you. Would it have stopped her dementia progressing? How would you have coped with her constant need to try and escape? How would Lockdown have played out with you and her trapped in the house? You would have been exhausted. What about practicalities like buying food etc

You cared for her as long as it was possible for one person to do so and then you put her needs before yours one more time and found her the best care home you could. She has staff who get to have a break so they aren’t exhausted but come on shift rested and ready to care for her. She is well dressed, warm and fed and space to wander about. She has you checking up to make sure all is ok.

Dementia took the decision out of your hands.

Try and focus on how you can make your brief visits as pleasurable for her as possible - little gifts etc. Look forward to the end of Lockdown when you will be able to visit more normally again.

You must try to stop blaming yourself for Bridget's dementia. She isn't blaming you. Sounds like she is happy in her dementia world now.
Do you read the posts replies others post to you? I only ask, because you don't seem to allow yourself to take comfort from them.
I understand you can't completely erase the memory of the day Bridget went into the nursing home. It rears its ugly head for me from time to time. Just turn it round, and think of a happier time. You say you can't, but am sure you will.
Peter - you tell us what you said to the counsellor but what did he/she say to you?

I have to agree with Pet - DO you read what others post to you?
I’ll post soon . Just need to collect my thoughts
I want to thank you for all the very sensitive and sensible advice given to me. Its made a difference and I feel better. Good news today that soon we’ll be able to go inside the care home.

Pete xx
Peter, is your counsellor really helping you move on at all?
I'm beginning to wonder if someone else might be a bit more helpful.

that's excellent news re visiting inside the home recommencing.

It was on the News too. Can happen from 8th May apparently.

Melly1 wrote:
Sat Feb 20, 2021 7:48 pm

that's excellent news re visiting inside the home recommencing.

It was on the News too. Can happen from 8th May apparently.

On the BBC News website it says 8th March - same as for the start back for some schools
Reuniting families and allowing people to have more social contact will be an "absolute priority" in easing measures once schools have reopened, No 10 said on Saturday.

One of the first steps towards this is that care home residents in England will each be allowed one regular visitor from 8 March.

Those nominated visitors will be able to meet indoors and hold hands with their loved one, but must wear personal protective equipment and be tested beforehand.
167 posts