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Newbie - Carers UK Forum


Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I am as we speak waiting to hear if my 86 year old mother is out of surgery for a rectal prolapse. I am an only child and live 65 miles away from her.

Up until now my mother has been totally independent, albeit a little slower. She gets the hopper bus to the shops 3 or 4 days a week.

I am feeling all sorts of emotions, guilty, scared, selfish, helpless and having sleepless nights worrying. After the operation there is a risk of double incontinence, etc.

Mum hates strangers being in the house and is very suspicious of people she does not know. However, she trusts me completely and will listen to me. We have had the chat about possible care home in the future (as I know she would hate home help) but the guilt is overpowering. I am trying to do my best for her and she is grateful.

Very confused.
Very confused huh? I am not surprised......worrying time for you all. I hope all goes well.
Sounds like your mother is a strong woman, good for her, doing so well as she ages. Let's hope this current challenge is something you will both deal with with similar courage.
Hope you don't mind me saying this but as you are a newbie here.....can I suggest you take a wee while to look at the main website of this CUK forum. You will find heaps of Professional information on the main site. Including expert factual advise on hospital discharge procedures.
I will pop back in here sometime to see how things are going for you and your mother. :)
Helen, welcome to the forum. All four of our parents were in an out of hospital a number of times before they passed away, it's so sad watching someone we know and love getting more frail and more dependent. However, it's really important to try and work out what someone NEEDS. What they want should take second place.
At the moment, until the operation and recovery is complete, you simply don't know what care mum will need in the future. Take the time to find out as much as possible about the operation and after effects.
My mum was always adamant she didn't want anyone else coming into the house. She was housebound, but OK alone, so I did all her shopping etc. After I had major surgery, and she was in hospital, faced with the real choice of being at home, with carers; or in a residential home, she opted for carers at home, and managed like that for a futher 7 years. Selling a home is a huge step, best to try every other option first. Then there can be no comments in future like "you made me sell my house" at a later date.
Mum might find it helpful to get strong again to have a spell in a care or nursing home, the NHS might pay for this.
This might be a good idea for you to both talk about the future. IF mum needed residential care, would it be best near her home (especially if she has lots of friends) or nearer your home, so it's easier for you to visit? Have a look at homes local to you first, to get a feel of things that you might need to consider. If mum is keen on gardening, a home with a beautiful garden might be a deciding factor.
If mum hasn't done so already, think about asking her to sign a Power of Attorney, to avoid problems later if she is very ill.
Thank you both.
I have just had the news that she is out of theatre, back on the ward and awake so I will see her in a few hours time.
I have taken all the appointments so far in my stride and I know it is all one step at a time. Just today has been the most difficult.
Thanks for the tip about the Power of Attorney. I have already got this signed and ready to send off and mum understands it all. She is on benefits so should get all the help she needs.
She is remarkable and they certainly don't make them like they used to.
Thank you for the support. xx
Good to hear she is safely out of theatre. Make sure you look after yourself, visiting someone in hospital can be very tiring.