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Daughter aged 22 with undiagnosed BPD - Carers UK Forum

Daughter aged 22 with undiagnosed BPD

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Hi, we have a daughter aged 22 who has undiagnosed BPD living with us whose behaviour is getting worse. It's a long story.... and complicated by the fact she has failed back surgery and MH problems for many years. We are exhausted and it has affected our other children, one won't come home to visit and the other, who is younger, tries to keep the peace but ends up in tears, asking us not to do anything to aggravate the situation. I am the villain and my daughter has told me not to talk to her anymore and she doesn't want me as her mother as she hates me. However, she expects, demands and bullies us into doing what she wants.

She has seen various psychiatrists and none have given her a diagnosis. BPD was suggested by an outreach team and having read the NHS guidelines about BPD it is as though it is the final piece in the jigsaw. We have approached the GP asking for help. Our daughter wants to leave home as she hates living here but has low income which seems to make it impossible for her to move out. Also, our daughter refuses to get help and if she doesn't like a professional refuses to see them again. She has changed doctor's quite a few times when they have said something she didn't like. She is up and down like a yoyo and recently took an overdose. It's like having an adult two-year-old with tantrums. Her anxiety and rages ruin everything. She is disrespectful and won't do anything for herself. She keeps saying don't we understand she is so unhappy and depressed and wants to kill herself.

I don't feel the Mental Health Professionals in the community, in our area, have been helpful nor offered the right support as they discharge our daughter with letters that say, she has a negative outlook on life and all the time she thinks like this, nothing will change. Then she has a crisis, goes to A&E and they advise her to get help, but she doesn't so we go round in circles. We are not sure what to do now.
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/specific ... 892#unread

The above thread may give you some ideas.

I think I would go along with your daughters desire to live independently. It would be interesting to see if she actually means this to happen or it's to gain more attention.

I would say once she has the knowledge of what accommodation is available to her. She will quickly change her mind to leaving. However, that does not help with her behaviour at home. Its up to you as a family to sit and discuss. Can you really put up with the current situation. Your daughter is an adult and now must be treated as so. Your are right is like dealing with a toddler. Remember back when she was young. What sanctions or discipline did you use. It's like going back to basics.

Have you actually made any inquiries to what housing accommodation. Your daughter might be able to access.

Does you daughter work and attend college.
Hi, Sunnydisposition thanks for your suggestions,

We are looking at accommodation but she can't afford the rents in our area. I am going to get some advice and see if she can get any benefits to help. However, it looks like we would have to make her homeless. She works only 12 hours a week tops, often it is sporadic as it is hospital shift work on bank. With her back condition, she is in chronic pain and she can't work more hours. She spends the rest of the time in bed and doesn't do anything around the house. When I insist she do her washing etc I am verbally abused and told I am causing all her anxieties.

As our daughter won't talk to me we are unable to sit and speak in an adult manner. As soon as we try she flies off the handle and storms out the room, with the statement no one understands her and we don't care about her. It's the "I want help, I don't want help, leave me alone." She does that with the professionals as well. Her moods are so up and down it is difficult to find a time when she is calm to broach any subject.
We are looking at accommodation but she can't afford the rents in our area. I am going to get some advice and see if she can get any benefits to help.


HOUSING BENEFIT ?

https://www.gov.uk/housing-benefit

POTENTIAL AMOUNT ?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benef ... u-can-get/

The real fun is taking whatever HB award figure and then comparing that with local b.t.l. rents.

Then , the REAL question to ask is ... " Can I afford to bridge the gap ... Rent minus HB ??? "

In most areas , can be a minimum of £ 50 ... in others , £ 500+

Whole thread designed to assist benefit claimants with housing issues :

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... hilit=roof

London ?

Don't ask ... even a dog kennel is beyond most on HB !
Thank you for that Chris, will look into it. I will be going to talk to a friend who is a solicitor next week and is an expert on rents etc. I don't know how much my daughter gets in benefits or in wages as she won't tell me. I suspect my husband will have to ask her for the figures as she won't tell me.
Your welcome.

HB and the BTL market ?

Like chalk and cheese.

Despite assurances to the contrary , benefit claimants will find it difficult to rent in many areas.

Plenty on that one in the main HOUSING thread.

Universal Credit ?

Just look at the infected manors so far ... and their current lettings market !

Throw zero hour contracts into the mix and you have the perfect recipe for ... disaster !
Chris, I seriously doubt our daughter can afford to leave home. Rents in this area are ridiculously high, maybe a room in a house share, but even then still way over budget. And then there will all the other expenses like food and we won't be able to sub her. She barely gets any universal credit as she can't work many hours. All this will make her anxieties even worse and as her perception of everything is that being away from home all will be rosy....
Chris, I seriously doubt our daughter can afford to leave home. Rents in this area are ridiculously high, maybe a room in a house share, but even then still way over budget.


Multiply said daughter by several million ... including whole families.

Therein lies the escalating housing crisis issue as so outlined in those two threads mentioned earlier.

Rents are continuing to rise ... the Housing Allowance ( From which HB is calculated ) remains frozen.

As every commuter on the London tube knows ... when the doors open ... that recorded message ... MIND THE GAP !

Only now , said gap is now a chasm !!!
Chris, yes indeed I am aware of the problem, it is awful and criminal when whole families are in crisis. But our daughter doesn't care about others, it is us she wants to get away from and has no idea of the terrible problem that the nation faces with the housing issues. I have a son who struggles to pay rent in London and has to choose between food and bills and that is three friends sharing a small flat that actually is only big enough for one person.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_ ... aving_home

https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/help-for-young-people

https://www.ymca.org.uk/about/what-we-do/accommodation

Perhaps before setting up a permanent place. There needs to be some way of your daughter being away for a time.