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- Member
Tue Dec 21, 2021 3:06 am
Hello, thank you for having me; I'm really appreciative of such a forum and hope that someone might be able to offer some advice.
My father (aged 71) has cared my my mum (70 yrs) for over 10 years. My mum is pretty much housebound and won't/cant do anything for herself; my dad literally does everything. He refuses any help or assistance even from myself or my sister, saying her likes to do things his own way. But it's taking it's toll. He's also becoming unwell and increasingly unable to cope. The house is becoming dirty, they're up all hours, they eat at midnight. My mother's capacity is diminishing, she's incontinent and he is managing and controlling everything - medication, money, food. They don't go anywhere, don't have visitors, and they have a very unhealthy routine.
My father had to go into hospital for several days last week with obstructed bowel, and only then could my sister and I go in and do some cleaning and provide some healthy meals for our mother. She can be difficult too, and we had to argue with her to get her to go to bed at night instead of sitting on the loo sleeping all night, which is what she normally does. But now he's out, and cross at our efforts. Long story short though, is that he is refusing any help and both their physical and mental health is deteriorating significantly - it is becoming a safeguarding concern and I'm worried my mother is developing dementia. We've broached the subject of care, but he said (shouted and yelled) he can't think about it, and told us to do what we want, he doesn't care any more. I've tried to contact their GP but they're useless so far and simply keep throwing medication at the matter.
I spoke to a social worker who arranged an appointment to do a needs assessment with them both over the phone (bearing in mind my mother can barely have a face to face conversation with anyone, let alone a phone conversation) which I thought would at least give him the chance to ask questions and find out what his options might be. But he's refused. My mother on the other hand, has stated that she wants help and wants our father to have help - but she might not even remember the conversation the next day.
It's a dire situation that I feel is going to end tragically. But if he does not give his consent, and refuses to take calls or let anyone into the house (even though my mother consents), where do we stand? I don't think my mother would openly consent if she thought it would make my father angry. It's a very worrying situation. Anyone else had a similar challenge?
My father (aged 71) has cared my my mum (70 yrs) for over 10 years. My mum is pretty much housebound and won't/cant do anything for herself; my dad literally does everything. He refuses any help or assistance even from myself or my sister, saying her likes to do things his own way. But it's taking it's toll. He's also becoming unwell and increasingly unable to cope. The house is becoming dirty, they're up all hours, they eat at midnight. My mother's capacity is diminishing, she's incontinent and he is managing and controlling everything - medication, money, food. They don't go anywhere, don't have visitors, and they have a very unhealthy routine.
My father had to go into hospital for several days last week with obstructed bowel, and only then could my sister and I go in and do some cleaning and provide some healthy meals for our mother. She can be difficult too, and we had to argue with her to get her to go to bed at night instead of sitting on the loo sleeping all night, which is what she normally does. But now he's out, and cross at our efforts. Long story short though, is that he is refusing any help and both their physical and mental health is deteriorating significantly - it is becoming a safeguarding concern and I'm worried my mother is developing dementia. We've broached the subject of care, but he said (shouted and yelled) he can't think about it, and told us to do what we want, he doesn't care any more. I've tried to contact their GP but they're useless so far and simply keep throwing medication at the matter.
I spoke to a social worker who arranged an appointment to do a needs assessment with them both over the phone (bearing in mind my mother can barely have a face to face conversation with anyone, let alone a phone conversation) which I thought would at least give him the chance to ask questions and find out what his options might be. But he's refused. My mother on the other hand, has stated that she wants help and wants our father to have help - but she might not even remember the conversation the next day.
It's a dire situation that I feel is going to end tragically. But if he does not give his consent, and refuses to take calls or let anyone into the house (even though my mother consents), where do we stand? I don't think my mother would openly consent if she thought it would make my father angry. It's a very worrying situation. Anyone else had a similar challenge?