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Coping with partners anger - Carers UK Forum

Coping with partners anger

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
My partner of 4 years has just had his leg amputated below the knee due to having peripheral artery disease. For the past week he's been awful towards me being verbally abusive and aggressive. Nothing I can do is right in his opinion. Fir his birthday I bought him a wireless headset for his ps4 (£50 headset) and he acted like an ungrateful child. He threw his glass coffee cup and shouted at me that id got the wrong make headset and I'd done it on purpose to make him look bad to other people.
When he talks to his mum or his mates on the phone he's as nice as pie to everyone but behind closed doors he's the opposite towards me. I have 4 children also two of whom are only 1 and 2 and I'm finding it hard to cope with this behaviour. I know he's having a hard time having lost a foot and I'm trying to just accept the behaviour but I'm really struggling. I'm dealing with kids, benefits, drs, housing needs etc and he's really getting me down.
He's only 34 and I'm 31. He also expects me to have his other 3 kids stay at xmas for 2 weeks but I cnt cope with 7 kids and his behaviour on my own. My mum has suggested maybe he stay at hers or at his own mums for a while but I just don't see him doing that. He's always been aggressive towards me but now I'm struggling with it. He's upset also because I refused to pass him any tobacco (drs said he can't smoke again or he risks losing other limbs) and I wouldn't buy him alcohol (which he can't have with his medication) he's already taking far too many tramadol at once plus his morphine pills.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Any advice?
You are not going to like what I'm going to suggest. Get him to go back to his mum's and make sure he stays there. However rough he feels he has no right to take it out on you, and it's setting a dreadful example to your children. As to having SEVEN children over Christmas!!!! Presumably you are just expected to be slave to them all? This is decision time. Stay with him, and be totally undermined, abused or separate and have a life of your own, where you can live in peace with your children.
Hello Cathrin and welcome to the forum :)

I am so sorry for your situation but unfortunately my caring experience is related to dementia and I have no experience of caring for an amputee. Have you looked online for any organisations that deal with this area ?

I googled 'amputee' and found a couple - maybe they would have some suggestions that you might useful ?

I think I can understand your husband's anger and frustration with his situation, plus, of course he must be in pain and that makes all of us 'irritable' !

Hope other members will be along soon who can offer more direct support.
I'm with Bowling Bun I'm afraid. It's one thing to be mentally destabilised by something as grievous as a limb amputation, but from what you say his aggression is chronic, and pre-dates his amputation.

I would say it's time for a big think about what is in this relationship for YOU. Seems to me, right now, not a lot.

He should be GRATEFUL to you for looking after him - not lashing into you!

What's the situation on housing? Do either of you own the accommodation you live in, and if so, who? What I'm getting at is what would happen if you decamped with your children to your mum's? I would get them out of an angry and aggressive atmosphere as soon as possible.

It really does sound best if he just went back to his own mum's. Don't envy her much though.

One thing is for sure - you do NOT have his children for Christmas. End of.

Wishing you as well as can be, but I don't think there's much hope for your relationship unless he changes his ways big time. (!!!!!)
Hi Cathrin
Do you actually love this bully. As in 'can't imagine life without him?
You well might, in which case take a good look at your tiny children and think 'what is this doing to them?'. Ok you are this man's partner BUT surely you are a mother first and foremost and your children come TOP if the list of 'people who need me to care for them'. Your partner has choices. Give up smoking. Learn to adjust (I imagine it's hard, but look at the war vets who make the most of life despite missing more than one limb), treat his loving partner and children with some consideration and respect. The kids don't have a choice, they are stuck with a verbally (I hope only verbally?) violent and abusive father Are they also stuck with a mum who won't/can't stand up for herself and them?
I think if it was me I would scream blue murder and lay down some ground rules. 'You will NOT treat me like this. How DARE he?) You will NOT make the children suffer. I will NOT have your other children for Christmas. (Why did partner NO1 leave I wonder?) After all he can hardly chase you round the kitchen with a meat cleaver can he?
You cannot be forced to care for him you know. You are perfectly within your rights to walk away, and leave him to his mother and other family.
I get that he has had shocking time, losing his leg. (Was it because of his life choices? Smoking and drinking?) I get that you feel that he is suffering and you 'ought to' look after him. However he also sounds, from your post, undeserving of your tolerance and care. Are you the martyr type? Do you want to sacrifice yourself (and the kids) to living with such a bully? It really is your choice you know. There's no magic wand to turn a bad personality into a loving, appreciative one.
Only you know what the real situation is and how much you can or want to stand. However the one thing you MUST do is look after the children's welfare. My own personal point of view is that you tell your husband straight out that he either gets his act together or you will leave him to wallow in his own self pity and to take it out on someone else. However I'm writing in sheer ignorance as I don't know you, him, or your circumstances and you must find your own way, but don't make excuses for him and think he'll change one day if there's no sign of him doing so.
Stand up for what's right for you and yours. Don't be a doormat.
Hello Cathrin,

I am sorry to hear you're having such a hard time of it recently, it's not easy trying to do everything alone and deal with abuse at the same time. After reading what the others have said, I agree with them, you deserve to be treated with respect and not expected to become his own personal verbal punching bag. I can understand some of his frustration due to the loss of a limb though that doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you and most possibly the kids. Life sometimes can be unfair but that doesn't give us free reign to make others suffer just because we are having a bad day.

I would just lay it all out on the table and set out what you will accept and won't accept, you have the right to tell him to go stick it.. ( i will be polite and not say the rest but leave it to your own imagination) Think about the kids and yourself a few years on do you really think his attitude will change, I doubt it will in all honesty and that he will expect you to keep taking it on the chin without any complaints. It will just grind you down further as time goes on, having god knows what effect on the kids from witnessing it day in day out.

As for him expecting you to look after his other kids. That would be a massive no, why should you look after his kids when he will probably bet sat sulking on his ps4, barking orders to you and the kids. Xmas is stressful enough as it and he wants to pile even more pressure onto your shoulders. Don't let him try to persuade you either, im sure he will act all nice if he thinks he's getting his own way then return to his usual abusive self as soon as you say yes ok.

I would try talking to his mother and explain that you won't keep putting up with his behaviour, show her that if he carries on you could possibly walk away and leave him to it. If he's that nice to his mother, maybe he will listen to her. He sounded like a spoiled child from the way you wrote about the headphones, maybe he should go back to her's and grow up some more and realise life isn't always going to go his way.

Don't back down and stay strong for your kids and yourself.
Never settle for less than you deserve.

I hope you think about all that advice that's been given to you and things improve for your current situation.
Who owns the house where you live? I am concerned that you don't end up homeless. Maybe ring Shelter to find out what your rights are. Also google Domestic Abuse for more info about that aspect of your situation. Please look after yourself, if he raises a fist to you, dial 999. Have you asked Social Services for a Carers Assessment?
Hiya. How are you feeling today, I wonder. Just thinking of you. I have no advice.
Hi Cathrin

so sympathise with you. I'm in a similar situation although we have no children. People say contact social services etc. but I have & they laugh & say 'oh youre in a tricky situation arnt you, but we cant help'! I feel like packing my bags & walking out, but no where to go & I feel like I'm a failure. Bad temper & lack of sleep mean you can not think things through clearly. You're juggling so many things you haven't time to stop to see what you can pass on to someone else.
One thing I can suggest is see if the GP will take him off Tramadol, its addictive & causes confusion, bad tempers & aggression especially if he manages to get alcohol. Unfortunately our GP has just put my hubby back on them & I'm now being shouted at every couple of hours (day & night) that he needs more & that I've not given him any of his meds. this is not true but hes so confused from the Tramadol.
good luck xx
Does his mum believe how horrible he is being to you. maybe record an outburst on your phone?