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Caring is Indeed Rewarding ! - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

Caring is Indeed Rewarding !

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Jenny, they could rename this place AltruistUK and the name would still ring true, and boy do our leaders take advantage of that fact.

Enjoy your break, no matter how fleeting, I've no doubt you deserve every second of it.

David
Plenty of us have resigned from caring and opted for some form of paid care: caring is not a duty, it is a choice. We have been through this before on this list: if you feel no joy from caring then you have no legal or moral duty to care: call social work and tell them you have had enough. :dry:
Is it really?

Many of us feel that love, honour and a moral duty do indeed leave us with little choice but to carry on, regardless of the personal cost. This is not to belittle someone can't continue, people have different breaking points. Perhaps I'm just too stubborn and resilient for my own good.

David
Perhaps some of us have been caring for longer than you Dave. I started nelping mum whilst still a teenager, now I'm 62. Then my second son was brain damaged at birth 34 years ago. Sister in law got post natal depression, I got the baby. Mum in law had Alzheimers, father in law had bowel cancer and hesrt problems, father had prostate cancer, husbad died in 2006, 3 months later I was disabled in a car crash, and that's just some of it!
You definitely have me beat, although I've never regarded this as a competition. I suppose I'll just have to accept Scally's advice and either quit caring or STFU and get on with things without complaint.

David
Speaking personally, there's always room for the occasional moan. ;)
I believe that the key to survival as a carer , long term, is to accept that you need help and support long term. Sharing the caring. Of course your caree won't want this, but then neither of you wanted the caree to be old or ill. I tried to be Superwoman for too long and nearly died, I'll never be the same again. Now I try to encourage others to get help so this doesn't happen to them..
I agree with both BB and Dave! I think that yes, some carers (but only some, definitely not all!) do 'force' themselves to perform that role, because they are compassionate for their caree, and get little or nothing out of it themselves except the knowledge they are being compassionate for a vulnerable, needy person who cannot be happy without the sacrifice of the carer.

It seems to me to be deeply 'ironic' for want of a better word that even when there is good, affordable 'external' care available, the caree can still prefer the care of their carer to that provided by anyone else! So even in situations where one can 'throw money' at the situation (and I acknowledge that is disgracefully seldom), that doesn't always solve the problem - because it is YOU the caree wants........YOUR time, YOUR attention.....YOUR life spent on them......

And rejecting them is very hard to do because we don't want to hurt them with that rejection.....

And it is not necessarily the caree's 'fault' - they are not being 'deliberately selfish'.....their 'neediness for YOU' is created by their age, or infirmity. I have read here in this forum of carees who get distressed if their carer even leaves the room......

Saying 'no' to someone who only wants YOU to look after them and who is not capable of understanding why you might not want to all the time (!) inevitably means hurting them.

To me, that's the dilemma that's at the heart of caring (irrespective of the financial situation - dire though that is all, all too often.)
scally wrote:Plenty of us have resigned from caring and opted for some form of paid care: caring is not a duty, it is a choice. We have been through this before on this list: if you feel no joy from caring then you have no legal or moral duty to care: call social work and tell them you have had enough. :dry:
I called social services more than once and told them I couldn't go on and their response was 'tough'. I've lost count of the number of parents I've spoken to who are at breaking point and still can't get any help with their disabled children. I don't think it's about whether or not you find it a 'joyous' experience but doing 100+ hours a week is hard graft, whatever your mindset. I don't feel there's been any choice for me about my situation. My son's health was suffering and in the end I had no option, I felt, but to be at home with him 24/7. I'd have loved some help and support but I never got it.

I think a lot of carers probably get trapped in that situation; they could walk but they love the person they care for and if they upsticks they won't receive the same level of care or comfort from an agency or a care home. If there's a viable alternative then great but I don't think that option exists for a lot of people.
Dave wrote:You definitely have me beat, although I've never regarded this as a competition. I suppose I'll just have to accept Scally's advice and either quit caring or STFU and get on with things without complaint.

David
I think that's my bugbear about positive thinking or always looking on the bright side. Whilst I do try and focus on the positives (and my situation is better than many people's, I know) it's hard work, it's lonely and most other people couldn't give a monkeys. So I think we all need a space to moan, complain, grumble and generally get things off our chests. I find that people I know don't want to listen to me complain about how hard it is, I think it makes them uncomfortable? But we need to be true to ourselves, I think, and if we're having a bad day then we shouldn't feel we can't say so.