Mother calling me at night

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I am a carer for my mother. She also has 2 carers 4 times a day cos she has baaad arthritis in her knees and cant walk.

I live in her house as her main carer.

Since coming out of hospital (fall and later illness) she keeps calling 'help' 'help' 'help' at night. It wakes me up and is impossible to ignore.

She has once wanted to see me, twice had a stomach ache and twice had a bad back, hence her calls for me.

Just now I said I was going up for a nap due to lots of calling last night. She agreed only to call in an emergency. 10 mins later she calls me, my name not help help help. I go down and she tells me she needs the loo. I explain that she needs 2 carers and a hoist for that so what can I do? 'Just hold my arm and be nice to me darling'. All very well but I am knackered!!!

Any ideas. I just cannot function with disturbed sleep and dont want my anxiety triggered.
YOU are the only one who can sort this out I'm afraid, by calling Social Services and insisting on a Carers assessment and night time sit in care, or residential care.
It's absolutely vital to keep a diary, time of calls, length of time you are dealing with mum, and when you manage to get back to sleep again.
Hi jacqueline
Just wanted to reply as been there in same place with dad. It is not as simple as ringing SS if your mum owns the house, I rememeber all too well. I had several months like this which ended when dad was virtualy falling over twice a day , refused to understand he couldn't walk and just got up and fell down, then I was prodded and persuaded by SS/GP to get him into residential so I put him into respite where he passed away a couple of weeks later. By this time he no longer had the strength to try and get up. It is such a difficult time, try to sleep when you can and forget about the real time. If you can keep your mum somewhere safe just try extra hard to ignore- turn your tv up, get ear plugs, use sleeping tablets- you just need to get through this phase. Dad wasn't even calling for me but for a long dead uncle who I never even knew. If you can't help, there is little point in running every time she calls. You have to draw a line to stay sane and getyou through this phas- it is just that - a phase. I would say I was dealing with this for around 3 months.
Do you leave a tv on for your mum-it might be some kind of comfort/companionship and help disguise the calls that you can't attend to.
Jacqueline_180912 wrote:
Tue Oct 23, 2018 3:47 pm
I go down and she tells me she needs the loo. I explain that she needs 2 carers and a hoist for that so what can I do? '
That's definitely the *official* view, and I wouldn't want you to attempt anything you weren't comfortable with, but I put my wife on the commode using a hoist with no other help, just me. She's only a lightweight at about 8.5st. so rolling her on the bed to remove clothing/install sling etc is not a problem.

When you've gotta go, you've gotta go.
Hi Jacqueline ... a lone carer ... with some external support ?

Additional support ... at £ 15 per hour minimum ... ???

Par for the course unless taking action as others have recommended.

Short of which , it' s a case of sleeping when your caree sleeps ... I had ten years of that ... without any support as it came with a price tag over a decade ago ... some days worse than others.

Hence my action in setting up a local support group ... of sorts ... with other lone carers sinking in the same boat.

The bane of lone carers ...
Jacqueline - as well as the current problem, you do need to 'look ahead' I'm afraid.

Since you live with your mum in HER home, you are at risk if things come to the stage where she needs to go into residential care....

If she owns her home, and you are under 60, then the council would require her to pay her own residential fees, and that will mean, at best, the council putting a charge (ie, a mortgage!) on the property, to be paid off when she dies (and at a minimum of £100 a DAY, it's easy to spend the whole value of a house within a few years in a care home), or, at worst, selling it straight away.

Do you have anywhere of your own that you own?

If she rents her house, then, again, unless you are on the tenancy as well as her, you will be evicted if she moves into a care home, or dies. Can you cope with that financially?

Also, Carers Allowance will stop too!!!!!

The trouble is, the state loves to 'use' family carers, but the minute our parent goes into a care home, or dies, we are 'not wanted'....quite brutally.

Please don't let yourself be exploited or discarded in this way - protect your own position above all.
Bowlingbun I am under 60 so dont want to consider residential care for a while yet. Would prefer mother to stay at home as long as possible. Good idea to bring it up at the carers assessment. Thank you,

Henrietta. I do hope its a short ohase! One of the carers today suggested a radio and she has that on as I write/type.

Ayjay I have extreme anxiety around my back (spasms 3 yrs ago, very traumatic. Bed bound for months shaking with fear each day) so I wont be doing any hoisting.

Chris ... 10 years ... Yes being a lone carer is quite depressing. It has been wonderful have the council carers coming in. They are all so cheerful, friendly and kind.

Jenny it is mothers house and I am hoping for 60 to come before mother deterioates too much for me to cope with (hopefully this will never happen but who knows). The nursing route is one I would want to avoid if at all possible.

Generally Mother and I get on well. Its just when I am out of the room that she calls me which is naturally very annoying. Being called at night is on a whole new level.

So I will keep her in a good routine, a radio each night and wont rush down when she shouts for me.

She is impressively determined. I said that I was going up for a nap this afternoon so please dont call. 10 mins later and 'help' 'help' 'help'. I was so angry that I ignored her. 40 minutes of regular calling later I went down. She had got in a tangle (with clothing) but was fine now!!!
It's good you are hoping to sustain the current situation (ie, you living with your mum) until you are 60 and the house is 'safe' for you to inherit, whatever happens to your mum.

However, I would line up an 'emergency Plan B' on a 'just in case' basis. Sadly, as many members of this forum can testify, a parent who seems to be 'bobbing along OK-ish' with 'more or less sustainable' care from family, can with a simple fall, breaking a hip, or a nasty bug leading to pneumonia etc, still 'suddenly end up' in hospital, and then rapidly deteriorate to the point where residential care is the only option.

Of course hopefully that won't happen, but because the funding rules are SO draconian, do at least plan for this possibility (What is that old saying, Hope for the best but prepare for the worst - that could be the motto for all family carers!).

I think it's worrying that your mother is crying out so much, and so 'relentlessly' (persistently) - this does indicate one of two things, doesn't it? Either she is just plain 'bone selfish' and is consciously REFUSING to give the slightest consideration to you (you say you get on well, but has that been on the basis of you do what she wants so she 'likes' you?? Hope not)(but then, WHY is she being so 'selfish' as to keep calling for you even when you've explained you can't always run to her day or night?

Because the 'or' if it isn't a case of her being selfish, is that she is, sadly, developing dementia. Again, as many of us here can testify (certainly me for one, with my MIL), the problem when they develop dementia is that hey just CANNOT cogntifive understand that anyone else in the world exists - we might as well expect a baby to have 'consideration' for us and 'not cry when they knw we are exhausted!'

The fact she is SO persistant, as you describe above, rings warning bells to me. I can so vividly remember my MIL, downstairs while I was up in my bedroom (having my 'de-stress' time here on the forum!), calling for me as she wanted her usual gin and tonic - I called out several times 'I'm just finishing something, I'l lbe with you in a moment'....yet she STILL staggered up the stairs, looked into my bedroom and just wanted her G and T there and then....

Dementia can create the most appallingly 'annoying' (to put it mildly) 'detemrination' on their part - almost a 'wiflfulness'. They lose ALL consideration of anyone else at all. You can't really call it 'selfish' (though the impact is hideously self-centred!) because they don't realise they are doing it. All they know is they want something/someone, and will go on, and on, and on....unless they are diverted and then 'forget' they were calling for you.

For that worrying reason, it's also time to check ouit things like PoA before she 'gets too far gone' and you are not allowed to get access to her funds etc. It's so important to get this set up before she loses legal capacity (I half succeded with my MIL, but two of her bank accounts I just can't touch - only one was converted 'in time' to a joint account so I could pay her care home feels eventually.)

I hope it isn't dementia, as 'selishness' is easier to deal with - ie, you can 'reason' with them, and if it comes to it, simply apply 'firm love' - you don't come when she calls, and she eventually 'learns' that....

What was she like before she was old and needed care? Did she 'boss you about' or was it 'fair play' between you?
Concentrate on getting to 60- the magic number
Henrietta!!! Yes I am getting closer every day!!!

Jenny thank you for your detailed reply.

Mother has always wanted her own way now now now and hasnt been blessed with patience. Luckily she is naturally kind with a great sense of humour.

I already have power of attorney for health and welfare.

The radio did the trick last night. I am no stranger to the tough love approach and will put it in place when needed!

I think naughty old dementia may be approaching but obvs hope not.

Plan b will be to gt to 60 asap, seriously I am aware that a care home may be necessary and will speak to the family solicitor to see if we can save the house or at least enough of it to get me a house one day.