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Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:55 pm
by Long term _1802
she always was prone to depression due to PTSD since i met her, but she used to have good days 95% of the time
the loss of fitness has caused a massive spike in her depression

the last time i told her i needed support is when she took all her tramadol with a letter saying you're better of without me...

The ME isn't the only thing wrong with her, her EDS means that physically lifting the kids normally ends up with her dislocating her arm

i'll look into the cost of 2x 3day cover so i can sort my stuff out and recharge my batteries...
we're not rich by any means, but i can probably skimp a pound here and there and get there


jenny lucas you asked .
"What takes the most out of you, the care (not emotional, but practical) for your wife, or for your children? If you could 'lose' one for a week, which would be the best for you?"

at the moment i would say my wife, but i'm scared that if i get rid of her for a week, that i might not want her back, and it's not a feeling i like...

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:03 pm
by bowlingbun
Social Services should do a Carers Assessment for you. If you need to do something essential and will not be available to care, then they should make proper arrangements to enable you to do this.

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:03 pm
by sunnydisposition
Long term _1802 wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:01 am
Sorry, he is on DLA (under 16) and in a SEN school (another one).

The EHCP meeting don’t have the social there as they can’t offer support (their words)..

I get carers allowance

I was on about carers assessment as I was told that’s how I get respite.

The social said that the assessment is a waste of time as everyone is worse off and if I want respite I put x amount of his DLA aside and save up (as that’s what his DLA is for)
Yes, the L/A will take an amount(not huge amounts) from an individuals DLA/PIP as these payments are for care.
However, the L/A will fund the rest of the care package - dependent on your financial position.
The line that is being used with you - sounds like the L/A can't be bothered to put a package in place.


https://contact.org.uk/media/778843/get ... ngland.pdf

https://www.gov.uk/help-for-disabled-child

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:16 pm
by sunnydisposition
Long term _1802 wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:55 pm
she always was prone to depression due to PTSD since i met her, but she used to have good days 95% of the time
the loss of fitness has caused a massive spike in her depression

the last time i told her i needed support is when she took all her tramadol with a letter saying you're better of without me...

The ME isn't the only thing wrong with her, her EDS means that physically lifting the kids normally ends up with her dislocating her arm

i'll look into the cost of 2x 3day cover so i can sort my stuff out and recharge my batteries...
we're not rich by any means, but i can probably skimp a pound here and there and get there


jenny lucas you asked .
"What takes the most out of you, the care (not emotional, but practical) for your wife, or for your children? If you could 'lose' one for a week, which would be the best for you?"

at the moment i would say my wife, but i'm scared that if i get rid of her for a week, that i might not want her back, and it's not a feeling i like...
response to you last paragraph - all totally normal. No need to feel under pressure not to feel or make such a statement.

You sound over whelmed, tired, anxious and quite rightly fed up.

I think once you link up to your local carers group. Hopefully, you will find like minded people and lots of support and understanding. Please try and except as much help that maybe offered.

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:38 pm
by jenny lucas
Hi again - I'm still trying to 'delve' a bit - don't answer if you don't want to (we're all strangers, remember, and I wouldn't know you if I ran you over in the street!)(ie, this is a 'safe' space to vent etc)(but still don't disclose things you don't want to - NO obligation!),,,

But, what was she PTSD about? Was she getting any counselling for it? It's great she was 95% 'OK' pre-M.E. and pre-special-needs-children, but if, basically, she has always had an 'under par' element to her life, THAT is the 'starting point' to go back to, and see what can be done for THAT, and then move onwards and outwards so that she develop a better coping mechanism to deal with her M.E. etc now.....

I'm sort of concerned that, although, obviously, now you are MAJORLY her 'carer', has that 'caring role' been there right from the off. 'Wounded souls' (eg, someone who experienced something that caused PTSD) very often 'look for a carer' in their partner. Sometimes that can be attractive to the partner - after all, it's an expression of how much you love her that you look after her (ie, you were 'glad' to be able to offer her 'emotional care' way back when pre M.E and pre-special needs children etc). BUT, if that is ONLY ever 'one way' then it becomes highly 'dangerous' as it skews the relationship from 'equal partners' to 'psych/patient' effectively.....

If I said to you, at first, when you got together, what did you both do FOR EACH OTHER, and was that in 'equal amounts', that will identify whether you have EVER been her 'partner' or were ALWAYS her 'carer' in some respect. (If she was YOUR carer in some respect, then that's fine - that was 'equal dibs'!)

The 'wanting to escape her' is perfectly normal and understandable - it would be weird actually if you DIDN'T want to run like hell! (Remember, it's not your wife and children, but the SITUATION you want to run like hell from - ie, for example, If, say, you won the lottery ,and could employ a full time nanny/tutor for the children, a chauffeur, a housekeeper and a nurse for your wife, then life would be pretty good, all things considering, I mean, compared with now???!!!!) (and loads of money for counselling for you and your wife of course!).

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:44 pm
by jenny lucas
Also, tackling the M.E.....

I do appreciate it is, as I said, one of these weird systemic afflictions that seem to be associated with some kind of auto-immune malfunction/viral infection etc etc, but, all the same, I do assume that you are constantly scanning the Internet for whatever is being progressed in this area, both through 'official' medicine and through complementary and even alternative. You don't need me to tell you that modern medicine likes 'pills and surgery', it likes something to target (infection, broken bones etc etc) and these large scale inchoate 'systemic' ailments can baffle docs totally. So that's why lateral thinking is so important. It becomes a case of 'managing' the condition, rather than wanting to cure it, but, for all that, in my book, 'whatever works' is worth trying/going for.

And please, never do give up on the possibilitity that actually one fine day orthodox medicine MIGHT come up with the 'magic bullet' it loves to find!

I know this can sound extreme, and yes, quality of life is something that, in the end, counts for a HUGE amount and when that vanishes dark things take over the mind (hence the overdose.....), but truly, where there is life there is hope. I write that not as a trite panacea 'Life of Brian Brightside' (!), but it is true for all that. My husband died of cancer some years ago, and for him hope is over. For your wife it isn't. It's that brutal, that simple. A cure MAY be just around the corner, and transform your lives all round. No reason why not....

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:00 pm
by Long term _1802
Jenny lucas,

As you might have guessed... Long Term isn't my real name...

this is an account made so i can say what i want / need without being able to be traced back to me,

The PTSD is due to her being raped by her step dad from a very young age for a very long age...

she sought help and had a mental health nurse and psychologist...

after 2 years of help we were told that she reached the end of her allowance and there wasn't any funding for more help

her biological dad was brilliant for support and until he died he was the one she went to when she started to feel the depression...

i've never really thought about
"
I'm sort of concerned that, although, obviously, now you are MAJORLY her 'carer', has that 'caring role' been there right from the off. 'Wounded souls' (eg, someone who experienced something that caused PTSD) very often 'look for a carer' in their partner. Sometimes that can be attractive to the partner - after all, it's an expression of how much you love her that you look after her (ie, you were 'glad' to be able to offer her 'emotional care' way back when pre M.E and pre-special needs children etc). BUT, if that is ONLY ever 'one way' then it becomes highly 'dangerous' as it skews the relationship from 'equal partners' to 'psych/patient' effectively.....

If I said to you, at first, when you got together, what did you both do FOR EACH OTHER, and was that in 'equal amounts', that will identify whether you have EVER been her 'partner' or were ALWAYS her 'carer' in some respect. (If she was YOUR carer in some respect, then that's fine - that was 'equal dibs'!)
"
^^^ not ignoring the question, just not sure


(sorry just copying and pasting questions, not sure how to quote)



as far as
"
The 'wanting to escape her' is perfectly normal and understandable - it would be weird actually if you DIDN'T want to run like hell! (Remember, it's not your wife and children, but the SITUATION you want to run like hell from - ie, for example, If, say, you won the lottery ,and could employ a full time nanny/tutor for the children, a chauffeur, a housekeeper and a nurse for your wife, then life would be pretty good, all things considering, I mean, compared with now???!!!!) (and loads of money for counselling for you and your wife of course!).
"
that makes perfect sense and made me feel less guilty that i want a break... it is a break from the Situation



and medication/therapy wise we are trying most things and reading most things

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:49 pm
by jenny lucas
OK, that is most DEFINITELY a MASSIVE reason for PTSD! Appalling that she has 'used up' her allowance of NHS counselling - absolutely disgraceful. (Is the vile stepdad dead yet - I HOPE SO!)

Anyway, just a thought, and sorry if it's been and gone, but can the NSPCC etc help provide more free therapy for her? Or any other child charities? They are well used to 'grown ups' in mid life still needing therapy re childhood abuse.

No need to answer re the 'have you always been an emotional carer' - I would suspect that anyone with that degree of childhood trauma will ALWAYS need an element of care in their relationships, and not surprisingly! The issue then becomes one of 'how much' and 'can she progress'. How much do you both know, at this stage, about just how much 'recovery'/'healing' CAN be achievable for victims of childhood abuse? Not saying the trauma can disappear, but what is the 'best case scenario' for child rape victims? Whatever it is, that's the level to aim for, at least in that respect. But it may (will!) not be easily achievable, that is for sure.

V glad her bio father was good for her - God alone knows what his feelings must be towards the man her mother ended up with.....and, of course, for having allowed his child to be exposed to the man.....dreadful dreadful dreadful....

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Wed Feb 28, 2018 6:06 pm
by Long term _1802
She found out he died a few years ago, her sister shared the obituary on facebook

never thought of asking NSPCC as we thought that that was just for kids


"
How much do you both know, at this stage, about just how much 'recovery'/'healing' CAN be achievable for victims of childhood abuse? Not saying the trauma can disappear, but what is the 'best case scenario' for child rape victims? Whatever it is, that's the level to aim for, at least in that respect. But it may (will!) not be easily achievable, that is for sure.
"

not to sure as we ran out of councelling...

but yeah, i think it is a case of many little drops overflowing the bucket

i do think that that is the biggest drop...

Re: Caring for wife and child

Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:48 am
by Long term _1802
in all honesty, my son isn't that bad

he's in a good SEN school now,

he is on medication that helps with mood swings and sleep

and after a few years you know how to manage his behaviour

the main reason i mentioned him is because my carers allowance is for him, not my wife

and i wasnt sure if it made a difference