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Caring for wife and child - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Caring for wife and child

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
It's no good Social Services saying there's no point, they have a legal duty to assess your son and you, and if he has significant needs, to meet those needs. Make a formal written complaint to Social Services, send it Recorded Delivery and keep the slip stapled to your letter. Be sure to give a time scale i.e. "within 28 days" . Once the 28 days are up, if you've had no response, your son is probably entitled to Legal Aid. My son had it.
Thanks a lot Bowlingbun...

i'll try that
What would be the practical requirements for you to be able to take a holiday break away from your wife and children? Do you need 'someone else' (ie, a 'clone you') to come in and be in the house to do all things that right now 'only you' can do?

Or is there an option of say your wife having respite care residentially, and your children being, say, fostered for a fortnight?

The key point is that if you are the 'only person' keeping this family function going, then if, say, you 'catastrophically snap' - whether that's by running away screaming (understandable!), or even worse by breaking your leg or going under a bus even (!), then what would happen to your family unit?

I'm concerned that your wife is in pain. That should never be, though I appreciate that sometimes the choice is 'pain free' or 'mind free' - as in, some heavy painkilling can make one 'zombie like'. May I ask, considering she has ME (these 'vague' things are SO intractable for 'modern medicine' by and large), whether she has tried legal cannabis? My niece with bad FM and IBS uses this (she vapes it) (but it can come as an oil, too)(they take out of the 'high' element), and has found it really alleviates symptoms and flare ups (again, FM, like ME, is SO intractable to standard medicine).
Just to add - I know that mind/body are interlinked, and as you have indicated, some of your wife's mental health issues stem from depression at her physical poor health, BUT, 'theoretically' IF you could choose between her having MH or PH, which would you opt for?

I am suspecting you would RATHER, given any choice, have her physically invalided rather than have mental illness?? Like it or not, those with MH are VERY hard to cope with...... (I know from experience!)
sorry, i realise i need to give a bit more info here so you lot can offer adequate help...

not used to people helping me...

Social services offered me a weekend respite from my son 2 years ago at a cost of £650

as i would still have to care for wife and daughter i declined that option

She has tried CBD as Tramadol and other stronger pain killers no longer tough the sides, but i didn't agree with her.
Vaping made no difference (tried many different strengths) and the drops made her sick

the thing is that i feel sometimes like just going and i hate myself for it...

"Clone me" in my house would be the best option in my opinion...

that is what i asked for : someone to come in the house and do what i do for a few days, so i can take a break and sort out some personal stuff that need sorting...

and if it comes to having to choose i would fix her mental health, it would make coping with the physical side a lot easier...

thanks all for your info and help
Long Term, it's OK to say that you feel like running away. I was so, so close to doing this twice, when everyone was ignoring how much I was struggling to care for my hyperactive, brain damaged son. In the end my GP insisted he went into residential care (boarding school) but only when my health was in ruins and I needed 14 lots of antibiotics in 12 months.
Something has to change for you. Try writing a list of everything that you are really struggling with at the moment, then put them in order of importance, and tackle the top three first. Very often it takes a while for things to move in the right direction.
Have you ever thought about having counselling yourself, aimed at helping you manage your situation better. It certainly worked for me when I was disabled myself, newly widowed, with son and mum and a business and a club to manage.
Long term _1802 wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:55 am

"Clone me" in my house would be the best option in my opinion...

that is what i asked for : someone to come in the house and do what i do for a few days, so i can take a break and sort out some personal stuff that need sorting...

There are such things as short term live in carers. They are available through agencies. It may be that your SS has no contracts for that type of care or is unwilling to pay, but if you find a suitable agency and then assertively request the funding it's worth a try. It will still be cheaper for SS in long run than you collapsing or walking out (is what you say to them)
Sorry to hear the cannabis doesn't work.

I do agree about the MH aspect. Looking after someone with MH is, in my opinion, to be blunt, a total pain in the backside! It's just 'me me me' (and I don't mean M.E.!). ALL a person with MH can think about is THEMSELVES. Their OWN misery.

Now, one can be as 'sorry' s one likes for someone with depression ,but in the end, it's THEIR Problem, not ours. Depressed people are RUTHLESS because they are SO unhappy. Yes, maybe they have 'real things' to be unhappy about (pain, illness etc) but we also know that plenty of folk with dreadful physical health are very happy bunnies...it IS a 'state of mind' as to how one responds to all of this.

I'm afraid I'm going to be even more ruthless now. Look, yes, I'm sure your wife didn't ask to be in pain and have M.E. BUT, it was her choice to have children, and quite frankly, she has to 'pull herself together' for their sakes, ESPECIALLY if they have special needs themselves. AND, she has a 'duty of emotional care' to YOU, too.

I'm only going by what you ar saying, but if she is, as I suspect (???unfairly???) simply relying on Good Old You to do everything and keep HER family going, HER children (because, as I say, they are HER responsibility as well as yours!), then she simply MUST find the mental strength to step up to the plate and pull whatever weight she can! And if she can't do that physically, then she must do so mentally and emotionally.

it's time, you know ,for what I call, 'firm love'. Firm love is not 'tough love' (which can be 'too tough') but it is simply standing up and saying that yes, I know you have depression, and I know life is tough, but it is tough for ALL of us - our children, and me too, and you HAVE to find the courage (and LT, it IS 'courage' ....it's not anything else at all , whatever all the damn psychs say about childhood traumas, depression, blah blah blah), to be a proper wife and mother to the maximum of your physical ability.

Maybe she can't control her physical illness, I'm not saying she can, I'm not saying she's 'inventing' M.E (it's probably a viral-induced autoimmune condition, as so many of these 'weird' things' are), but what I am saying is that SHE is the 'owner' of her emotions, and 'collapsing' in to depression and self-pity is just not an option if she has two children with special needs and a husband who has been carrying the family so long he's at cracking point.

I think what is key is what she was like before her ME kicked in? Was she prone to depression then, or is she depressed BY the loss of her 'fitness'?

My point is that this is a FAMILY, and you have a MARRIAGE - and SHE has to do her bit! Maybe I'm being harsh, and she feels she IS doing her bit, but it doesn't sound like it if you are saying she forgets her meds or would take them all (oh, the easy way out!).

How do you think she would cope if you (a) left or (b) died? What would actually happen to her? Let alone your children.

Conversely, to be blunt, you'd probably have an easier life if you left HER, and took your children with you - it would be easier to have only them to look after, and not your wife.

I do understand that the current mantra is to extend endless sympathy to those with depression, but it doesn't help them, that's my point! It keeps the psychs in employment though, that is for sure.

Your wife is MORE than her depression - she is a wife, and she is a mother, and she should remember that above everything. At the very least being cheerful rather than a 'pain in the neck' (???!!) is the least of her responsibilities towards her family!
My friend gets a live in carer for her father with dementia when she needs a break. It costs something over a hundred pounds a day (she quotes me a thousand pounds a week, BUT that is in a very wealthy part of the home counties!)

Could you pay someone 'privately' to be your clone for a week?

What takes the most out of you, the care (not emotional, but practical) for your wife, or for your children? If you could 'lose' one for a week, which would be the best for you?
i have been thinking about counselling, but how can i leave the house?

i have a matter that is very high up my list that means i have to go to london (400 miles away (single distance))

and i would have to go again about 3 weeks later...

when i asked about short term live in carers i was told that i would need 2 (1 for wife and 1 for son) at the cost of £25 per hour per person...

My SS doesn't like me since i put them on the spot at my son's SEN Plan meeting a few years ago...
1 mainstream SS person and 1 Disability SS person where there
at the end of the meeting i asked if i could ask them a joint question...
when they agreed i asked them what they could do for me, whenever i asked something, their answer was "i'll look into it"
so i asked them to give me 1 thing they could do for me and if they were prepared to commit to it in the plan...

they said, they'll look into respite and came back with 1 weekend of just son away at £650 later...