Caring for my partner

[Jane:-)]

Hi, newbie and having problems with the forum - it's so vast how do you all keep up with each other? I'd really like to have contact with other carers in similar circumstances as me. I'm almost 40, have three children aged 11, 13 and 15 and my partner (46) is physically disabled and his condition is degenerative. Please don't ask me what he's got as I can only give you a long list of symptoms so therefore I can't access any specific support groups/charities either. At the moment I'm fine though I have periods of dispair, doubt, guilt, inadequacy, selfishness etc, I could go on but nothing new from what I've already read on here. How do people juggle the needs of the person you're caring for and demands/needs of children without feeling you're failing at both? Stupid but thought I was ok until I wrote that (weeping) - amazing how easy it is to push your own emotions aside and deal with daily tasks - perhaps I'm just good at pretending! Will my kids ever understand or forgive me for choosing a partner who's disabled? If you read between the lines you'll realise there is conflict in my house. Would just like to talk to someone who won't judge me bearing in mind I chose to be in this situation although naively not realising how difficult this journey would be.

[BertieBear]

Welcome Jane,
Good to have you here! We won't judge you here and although we all have different caring situations here, we're still all carers and there are some feelings which are almost universal for carers, such as your list of feelings of despair, guilt, selfishness etc. From my experience, many people feel these things (yep, me included), but very few realise that others feel exactly the same way.
How do we deal with it? Well, one way is to talk about it. Many of us get misunderstood by family and friends who just don't understand how difficult and isolating caring can be (don't know if you've had this), but there's no substitute for speaking to another carer - someone who understands why you feel the way you feel and has had the same experience.

As for the forum, I can see why it might seem daunting. I feel that way when I haven't been on for a while, but just take your time, have a look around and just jump in as and when you feel the need, don't be shy, we're a nice crowd. You will soon start to see where you want to be. And feel free to start a new topic if you have questions or just want to know where to go on the forum.
Sorry for rambling so much at you.
Anyhow, welcome again and I hope to see you around

[BertieBear]

Ooops my computer went a bit funny and I ended up pressing the 'Submit' button too many times. So, Jane, if you happened to see my post come up five times in a row before I managed to delete them, I apologise

[Jane:-)]

Thank you BertieBear (your interests in your profile made me smile). Parents and sibling have long term health issues of their own and they live a considerable distance from me. Bit hard to sound out with them besides they don't need to be worrying about me on top of what they have to deal with.

Yes talking is good - doesn't change anything but gives a different perspective - just want to find a complete stranger who's willing to listen and then share their wisdom. I'm usually the person who listens to others and tries to help but I need someone. For privacy reasons I can't "talk" through the open forum but someone might see similarities in their own situation and we could support each other. (I'm not usually this down!). I guess I'm not alone and that a majority of carers seek this forum when they need help or support of some kind.

[BertieBear]

Glad my profile made you smile
I know what you mean (at least to some extend) about being the person who usually listens but needs someone else to listen for a change. Personally, I found a good psychotherapist who will listen to me ramble on for ages but whatever works for you is good. Hope you can find someone who will do that. I saw counsellors for years, who helped in their own way.
Although I don't always open up completely on the forum, I've often found people who share experiences, so I hope that happens for you too. And if you find anyone who seems like they really resonate with you, you can always speak to people via Private Messages.

[Myrtle]

Hi Jane and welcome
As our lovely bear has already said you won't find judgement here, just support from people, whoever they care for, all have caring and it's problems in common.
The forum can seem a bit daunting to start with, but just pick the topics you think will interest you most to start with and you'll soon get to know us. Jump in anywhere and if you want to start a topic but are a little worried about privacy then try Share Your Life as only members can view this.

[BertieBear]

As our lovely bear has already said...

Aww shucks.

[Booksey]

hi Jane
Welcome to the forum
I care for my hubby who has a number of health issues. I also have 2 children DS is just 18 DD is 11.
Yes it is a juggling act trying to give everyone what they need but you can only do your best. I worry that I may have ruined my childrens childhood by staying with hubby when I could have walked away.

But then I look at them and see 2 very independant, self sufficient individuals who can cope in a crisis and are emphatic to other peoples needs and I look at other kids of similar ages and think may be they've gained more than they've lost

[Jane:-)]

Thank you all for your welcome.

Bertiebear and Myrtle I've PM ed you both but not sure it worked as "Sent" file doesn't show that I have! Confused

Booksey - I'm not alone ! I don't know anyone in my area who's about my age and in a similar situation. Carers I do know either have much older carees who get help because they are past the retirement age or whose children are their carees. Not sure my kids could cope in a crisis they're aged 11, 13 and 15 I suggested once if they'd like to join a Young Carers Group the response from each one (I asked them separately and on their own) was that they didn't care and that I should join as I did the caring After thinking "more the fool is me" I did give myself a pat on the back that they should think they're no different from other kids ie they didn't have issues that their peers weren't experiencing. Eldest did say couldn't empathsize (not sure that's the right word!) with other young carers and didn't want to do "sticking and gluing" - I tried to explain but they weren't having any of it!

Audery - you're making loads of sense Failing because I'm not providing the childhood that I was very lucky to experience - I remember being quite shocked when I got old enough to know that not all kids had the very protected environment/family life that I grew up in. Hey and I'm not sure you're really an "old lady" but I'm not adverse to taking advice from an experienced hand - suppose I just want reassurance that everything will be alright in the end or at least that I can look back and say "I didn't do too badly"!

[no1mum]

Hiya and a warm welcome to the forum. Plenty of support, advice and chat to be found on here. Roll call on carer to carer is a good place to get to know us all.

Karen