My first post, I don't usually ask for help but just need some advice if possible.
My mum is 81, she was recently diagnosed with low level dementia in August.
At the end of last year she had a couple of falls, my sister brought in the social care and they have had her on intermediate care since January.
I have spent the last 40 years avoiding contact with my sister because she is a nightmare, she is extremely egocentric and openly hostile if you try to tell her she is wrong or she is actually to blame for something.
Within three months of trying to work with her helping mum she had me and my wife in such a state that we both ended up on medication, me for anxiety and my wife with depression, we tried to keep her happy by following her rules she made up "to make sure mum stays in her own house as long as possible"
Almost immediately she spat her dummy over some imagined insult or criticism and reduced contact to email only but it was my brother in law who was writing the emails, constant criticism, blaming, trampling on our boundaries, breach of confidentiality within the emails (mum not to be told of anything discussed in said emails).
The list goes on, but the main problem I have is that she has bullied and intimidated mum for so many years with things like refusing to let our parents see their grandkids for some minor imaginary slight and so on that she has reduced mum to a strict set of rules and because of this mum is suffering from anxiety and anxiety attacks, my family see it but because my sister has no self awareness she doesn't and anyway if mum has anxiety it's my fault.
Thing is she manipulated mum into giving her PoA 5 years ago while mum was still driving and enjoying a good social life, now when it matters she is using it as a weapon to beat me over the head, twice mum has asked me to arrange joint PoA through her lawyer, the first time during the week leading up to the meeting with the lawyer mums anxiety got so bad that the day before the meeting she had 3 anxiety attacks in the space of a couple of hours so I cancelled the meeting. After mums diagnosis she was once again fretting and anxious about me not having PoA I text my sister asking her to make the arrangements, I got no reply so next day my son went over to mums and recorded every word that went on and after he left the room to take the rubbish down stairs the horrible bitch reduced my mum to tears over her anxiety, then instead of calming her down of even being nice to her just said "aye, aye, well it's hard for me too, I SAID IT'S HARD FOR ME TOO..." just to make sure she heard her.
I have found out that I can arrange my own PoA without my sisters knowledge through the VOCAL charity with whom I have been receiving counselling to help me cope with this nightmare of a person.
I'd like to ask if anyone has had to go to similar lengths to help their old mum or dad against someone with this kind of character flaw and if they had any success in getting a joint PoA in this manner??
The first solicitor I spoke to felt it was ethically wrong but not illegal but still didn't want to help me.
I tried to contact the Social Care Direct to make accusations of elder abuse but I was told to just contact a solicitor.
I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with her...
It was my doctor who told me stop all unnecessary contact with her and to seek counselling, I went for 8 weeks and resolved a lot of my boundary issues and I'm no longer as anxious but still can't bring myself to speak to her in any shape or form.
During my counselling based on the things I told her about our time as kids, our parents, even grandparents, we arrived at the conclusion that based on her always having to be in control, the silent treatments, lying, boundary stepping and blaming she is either narcissistic or a sociopath.
There is loads more of her bad behaviour to cover but I think i's covered it for now...
My mum is 81, she was recently diagnosed with low level dementia in August.
At the end of last year she had a couple of falls, my sister brought in the social care and they have had her on intermediate care since January.
I have spent the last 40 years avoiding contact with my sister because she is a nightmare, she is extremely egocentric and openly hostile if you try to tell her she is wrong or she is actually to blame for something.
Within three months of trying to work with her helping mum she had me and my wife in such a state that we both ended up on medication, me for anxiety and my wife with depression, we tried to keep her happy by following her rules she made up "to make sure mum stays in her own house as long as possible"
Almost immediately she spat her dummy over some imagined insult or criticism and reduced contact to email only but it was my brother in law who was writing the emails, constant criticism, blaming, trampling on our boundaries, breach of confidentiality within the emails (mum not to be told of anything discussed in said emails).
The list goes on, but the main problem I have is that she has bullied and intimidated mum for so many years with things like refusing to let our parents see their grandkids for some minor imaginary slight and so on that she has reduced mum to a strict set of rules and because of this mum is suffering from anxiety and anxiety attacks, my family see it but because my sister has no self awareness she doesn't and anyway if mum has anxiety it's my fault.
Thing is she manipulated mum into giving her PoA 5 years ago while mum was still driving and enjoying a good social life, now when it matters she is using it as a weapon to beat me over the head, twice mum has asked me to arrange joint PoA through her lawyer, the first time during the week leading up to the meeting with the lawyer mums anxiety got so bad that the day before the meeting she had 3 anxiety attacks in the space of a couple of hours so I cancelled the meeting. After mums diagnosis she was once again fretting and anxious about me not having PoA I text my sister asking her to make the arrangements, I got no reply so next day my son went over to mums and recorded every word that went on and after he left the room to take the rubbish down stairs the horrible bitch reduced my mum to tears over her anxiety, then instead of calming her down of even being nice to her just said "aye, aye, well it's hard for me too, I SAID IT'S HARD FOR ME TOO..." just to make sure she heard her.
I have found out that I can arrange my own PoA without my sisters knowledge through the VOCAL charity with whom I have been receiving counselling to help me cope with this nightmare of a person.
I'd like to ask if anyone has had to go to similar lengths to help their old mum or dad against someone with this kind of character flaw and if they had any success in getting a joint PoA in this manner??
The first solicitor I spoke to felt it was ethically wrong but not illegal but still didn't want to help me.
I tried to contact the Social Care Direct to make accusations of elder abuse but I was told to just contact a solicitor.
I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with her...
It was my doctor who told me stop all unnecessary contact with her and to seek counselling, I went for 8 weeks and resolved a lot of my boundary issues and I'm no longer as anxious but still can't bring myself to speak to her in any shape or form.
During my counselling based on the things I told her about our time as kids, our parents, even grandparents, we arrived at the conclusion that based on her always having to be in control, the silent treatments, lying, boundary stepping and blaming she is either narcissistic or a sociopath.
There is loads more of her bad behaviour to cover but I think i's covered it for now...