[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Caring for husband, wife or partner? (I’m new here) - Carers UK Forum

Caring for husband, wife or partner? (I’m new here)

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi everyone, I have been caring for my husband for 14 years since he had a severe stroke at a young age ( we had been married for 12 years when it happened) . He has now had another severe stroke and things are even worse, he is very ill at present although we hope for some small,progress maybe. I would especially liketo chat with others who are caring for a husband, wife or partner - sometimes it feels as though I am the only one in this situation - although I know you are all out there somewhere .
Sam - hi and welcome.

How absolutely devastating for you both. Stroke is something we tend to associate with 'old age' but of course it can happen much younger, as you indicate.

I do hope that your husband can show some improvement in his health, even if that takes time. I know things are looking 'up' for stroke patients, but so often improvement is never 'instant'.....

My own experience is different from yours, as in my late husband was diagnosed with cancer, but in that respect I do 'get' what it is to have a spouse with a severe, life-threatening illness.

Do you have children, and if so, how are they coping in respect of their dad?
Hi Jenny, thanks for your words.

So sorry that you lost your husband after his illness.

Yes it feels like a very lonely experience for me as I feel like I’m grieving for all we have already lost and all that may continue to be lost, but I don’t ha e anyone to share that level of grief with.

Sadly we dont have children , so it’s just me feeling the worst pain as things go on.

We do have lots of friends who are wonderful but I still sometimes feel like there’s no one else I can identify with who’s feeling what I am

Probably not explaining this very well , thanks for,replying anyway .
Hi Sam
So sad to hear about your husband and the loss you feel.
I can identify somewhat, as my lovely husband is now in a nursing home because of strokes and vascular dementia. I'm going through what is termed as ambiguous grief. Have a very supportive family who are greiving too, and I now know who true friends are. Really only one, from pre dementia days!
Do hope you will find the forum helpful and supportive. I definitely have.
Hi pet

Thanks for your reply , I think you can identify with how I am feeling and vice versa too

I’ve not heard of ambiguous grief and wonder if that’s what I’m experiencing too?

I am so sorry your lovely husband has had to go into the nursing home - you must miss him so much , I was wondering if mine was developing vascular dementia leading up to this second stroke, he’s still in hospital st present and there’s no telling how much recovery he can make this time. He’s asleep mostly and only able to say a few words (it’s been three months now)

How long has your husband been in nursing home? It’s good that you have supportive family to share these sad times with.

Would like to talk more if you can ?
If you Google ambiguous grief it explains a lot. How we grieve for the person we love, who are no longer the same person, but still here in body. Slow long goodbye .It's helpful to know.
Hubby hasn't lived with me since November 2015. Hospitalised till March 2016. Long before that he was showing signs, unbeknown to me ( had suspicions). He had several urinary tract infections, which were hell to be honest. I do miss him as he was.Weve been married for over 50years. I just treasure the better visits now, and endure the not so good ones. He confabulates all of the time. I go along with it.
You can private message me if you would like to..
You take care of yourself, as you are important too.
Others will be along to second that, and to offer practical advice
Sam that is a long, hard journey. I am sorry. I cared for my husband who had probable tias and then a stroke. However in his case the underlying cause was a brain tumour.

I think if - and only if - you feel strong enough to consider it, what Pet says about ambiguous grief is well worth thinking about, as well as its cousin anticipatory grief.

How are you coping with the hospital visiting?
Thank you pet,
I briefly googled ambiguous grief yesterday and I’m going to read through it properly over the next couple of days. It does sound as though that is what I am feeling. I didn’t like to use the word grief before, even though I have felt as though I am mourning, as it seemed as though I was sort of ignoring the fact that he is still alive. I think reading about it will be helpful in itself.
Yes please I will private message you in a few days and thank you for,that.
I understand the good visit bad visit thing and taking the best from the good visits, I always try to take the positive and enjoy it too - how strong you are being, thank you again
Hi dusty

Thank you for replying to my post, I am very sorry to,hear of your own journey and loss but appreciate you taking time to,help,others going through it

I have googled ambiguous grief and briefly read what it is - also anticipatory grief and I am going to read properly through the information. I think it will help me to understand my sadness.

Hospital visits - where to start? For the first 6 weeks or so I was by his bed 14 hours a day, a lot of that time he was asleep or in a minimally conscious or vegetative state, and for a week sedated in intensive care. He has progressed from there to now knowing who I am, responding with gestures or a few appropriate words and making his needs known. I couldn’t sustain that level of visiting as it was making me ill myself, so now I go in each morning for a couple of,hours, and each afternoon for another 4 hours. So 6 hours a day.

On the plus side it means I get to know everything that’s going on with him and be completely informed, on the downside it’s not a happy place to be. But I want to be with him as much as I can.

The hospital,say they don’t know how much better he can get and when he is medically fit will work towards discharge. As he is still mostly in bed and being hoisted in and out to a chair I think we will need huge adaptations and equipment and carers coming in for him at home
Hi. I look after my mum who had a stroke May 2015 and has been home since April 2016. Mum just turned 78 last week. I totally understand how you feel. Mum does the best she can and wants to improve as much as she can ( was the left side that was affected, luckily, if that is the right word, mum is right handed). It is lonely, even with friends and I have a carer friend who comes 3 times a week. I have 2 " helicopter sisters " who have only visited twice this year.But rewarding at the same time. Mum had a small Tia last October but returned home after a week. Kind regards Nicholas