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Caring for Husband (both 28) & emotionally struggling -Carers UK Forum

Caring for Husband (both 28) & emotionally struggling

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Wondering if anyone else is going through what I am??
I have been my husbands carer for 2yrs after he injured his spine & is in a lot of pain now when he walks. So he uses crutches around the house (can't walk unaided) & a wheelchair outside. We have 3 children and have recently moved 300 miles away from all my family & friends to be near to his family.
I'm struggling with my feelings lately, I'm starting to imagine my life separated from him as I feel like we have lost the husband & wife relationship we once had. I do everything for him, the kids, the home etc.
It's like he is so wrapped up in himself & is forgetting about me. He hardly ever kisses me, or shows any affection but I know he loves me.
I feel like I am grieving for the person he once was & Its so painful! I look at photo's of us before his injury & I cry my eyes out.
I feel like no one understands, my mum included. She has recently visited & did nothing but moan & criticise him. Although she did have a few valid points that have made me think about the things I do.
Would be nice to hear from people who understand.
Hi Marie, I'm not surprised that you are struggling! You have been through so much, and whilst I understand that your husband wanted to be near his family, it means that you have lost your own support system in the process, you've had to settle into a new home, new area, and the children into new schools, new doctors.....the list is almost endless isn't it? Do you feel supported by his family? One thing is for sure, you need support from someone. If you haven't done so already, arrange for you OH to have a "Needs Assessment" from your new Social Services department; and you need to have an (entirely private) Carers Assessment. Make sure you find out what is available in your new area in the way of Carers Groups especially. Have you had a chance to get to know anyone at the children's new school? The Head might be able to put you in touch with other mums in your area, perhaps then you could avoid the "School Run" on a day or two each week? It is perfectly understandable (and allowable) to grieve for the life you once had, and the dreams which will never come true. Sadly, I have had a few life events when this was necessary. In time, you will work through these thoughts. Now you have completed the move, perhaps now is the time to consider some counselling for you. I was struggling for various reasons, and it helped me tremendously. Try to take as much pressure off you in the next few weeks or months. Your mental and physical wellbeing is just as important as your husband's. Much better to leave the dishes and have an early night when you are exhausted.
The important thing to remember is that it is your life. 50% of marriages end up in divorce, so it is always an option and not one to be ashamed of. You have a big life ahead, and if your husband isn't able to make you feel special and loved for whatever reason, then regardless of disability you have every right to consider making a break. Being a carer is not for everyone. My first wife had serious unresolved emotional issues, and making a clean break seemed like the best solution for both of us, (luckily we had no kids); I have never regretted that decision and I don't think she has either.
Hi bowlingbun,
The list certainly is endless! All of those bits are sorted thank god & we've recently had an OT visit to assess our home as my husband was struggling with the stairs. We are having some adaptations made to our home to make it easier for him. I suppose it will make it easier for me too.
Luckily I have settled really well in our new area. I've managed to get myself 2hrs work a week at my Childrens school & have met some lovely new friends. I go to college for 4hrs a week too just to keep my sanity intact! I love where we now live, I just hate the life I'm living. Whenever I raise how I feel to my Husband he just tells me I should be grateful I can do the things I can do! Grrr! He hates talking about things & just tells me to leave if I am unhappy Image I'm thinking of giving Relate a call tomorrow to see if we can have some sessions with them? It's not necessarily the caring side of things that bother me, its more the emotional side. I feel like I'm the only one doing everything I possibly can to keep our family together. I want the old us back Image
His sisters are great if we ever need help. But his Mum hardly ever pop's round, she promised all the help in the world but its never happened and I think she has looked after the kids 3 or 4 times in almost 2 years!!
Thanks for that too Scally, I've never really looked at it like that.
Thanks for that too Scally, I've never really looked at it like that.
No problem]"We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness; ..." [/quote]
I know exactly where you are coming from, I have these feelings about caring for my hubby too.

I am definatley grieving for my 'before' relationship, I think of all the plans we had made that we will now never get the chance to do.
I miss the laughter, the chasing me upstairs pinching my bum Image, the play fighting. I feel sad that we wont go to concerts together, pubs, eating out or dancing.

It sometimes feels like my life has stopped at 38 and I now have to become this woman with no life other than the occasional break..on my own...which is the whole point!! I want my partner back.

Sometimes I get really angry too, angry with the world for doing this to my little family, angry with him, angry with myself for getting angry.

Its a mess really, all I know is that I love him, I love our kids and I have to make this work because nobody is coming to rescue me.

I have been given lots of advice but the best ones are as follows.

* Its ok to feel p***ed off, whats happening is c**p.
* Have regular baths, its time alone with your thoughts, away from hubby and kids.
* Focus on one positive thing each day and try to take pleasure from that.
* Dont think about the future, its too vast and too scary. Think about today.
* Be brutally honest with those around you, if your feeling awful tell them, if your not happy tell them. Dont be horrible but dont put up with crap because you think you have too.
* Accepting help and asking for help is a survival skill, not a weakness.

Good luck, its a journey I am travelling too Image
Just wanted to say hello and welcome
Hi there! Believe me, these feelings you are having are nothing to feel guilty about, and it's good that you are managing to get some time to yourself. I can't solve your problems for you, but I will say that at the end of the day you have to look after number one. That probably sounds very selfish but you cannot live your life to the full if you are desperately unhappy.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do!
Hi Marie, Im in similar situation, my hubby walks with crutches and has a wheelchair for outside (which he refuses to use so cant go out much!). I have three children still at home also. The support I have had from Renfrewshire Carers Centre and the other carers I have met there has made such a difference to how I feel. Im not saying its easy, but I cope much better and have accepted the situation. Its all about changing thinking patterns mostly. Have a look at my Positive Affirmations post in Tips for caring.Mindfulness meditation has been great for me and I try and get out for a while every day, even if its just a short walk.Please open up and talk to people who care about you, as it will make the feelings less powerful.Hope this is useful for you, take care x
Wondering if anyone else is going through what I am??
I have been my husbands carer for 2yrs after he injured his spine & is in a lot of pain now when he walks. So he uses crutches around the house (can't walk unaided) & a wheelchair outside. We have 3 children and have recently moved 300 miles away from all my family & friends to be near to his family.
I'm in a similar situation with my wife. My nearest relative is in Aberdeen.
I'm struggling with my feelings lately, I'm starting to imagine my life separated from him as I feel like we have lost the husband & wife relationship we once had.
I get this too. I feel like I've lost my wife and now look after some woman I married. We have zero social life and very little in what used to be common interests. With her erratic sleep patterns we spend very little time together.
I look at photo's of us before his injury & I cry my eyes out.
Yep, that'll trigger a depressive episode for me.
Would be nice to hear from people who understand.
I do understand and I offer my sympathies that you are going through this. My solution to the problem? I don't have one. But I still love her and I'm still here.

If it helps, I would suggest you make the most of your work and new friends. Don't be afraid to tell them how it is, that'll be a good release for you and it'll test their friendship.

(((((HUGS)))))