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Stopped Caring for mum - Carers UK Forum

Stopped Caring for mum

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my mum had to go into hospital and came out a couple of weeks ago. Sister and husband over from america sorting it and she is now applying for carers to come into her home as it is too much for me with my own family, work and rescued animals. My doctor's office told me to say I am stopping on medical grounds (I visited my Dr telling him I was tired) which I did. Now hoping this won't go against me in the future. Feeling like a bit of a failure tbh.

I will still be on call at nighttime etc so can I still claim anything for this?

thanks in anticipation Jacky
I will still be on call at nighttime etc so can I still claim anything for this?

Hi Jacky ... to claim Carers Allowance , the following criteria must be satisfied :

The person you care for

The person you care for must already get one of these benefits:

Personal Independence Payment - daily living component
Disability Living Allowance - the middle or highest care rate
Attendance Allowance
Constant Attendance Allowance at or above the normal maximum rate with an Industrial Injuries Disablement Benefit
Constant Attendance Allowance at the basic (full day) rate with a War Disablement Pension
Armed Forces Independence Payment


You might be able to get Carer’s Allowance if all of the following apply:

you’re 16 or over
you spend at least 35 hours a week caring for someone
you’ve been in England, Scotland or Wales for at least 2 of the last 3 years (this doesn’t apply if you’re a refugee or have humanitarian protection status)
you normally live in England, Scotland or Wales, or you live abroad as a member of the armed forces
you’re not in full-time education
you’re not studying for 21 hours a week or more
you earn no more than £116 a week after tax and some expenses - these will be assessed when you apply
you’re not subject to immigration control

You might still be eligible if you’re moving to or already living in another EEA country or Switzerland.

Sleepovers ? Recognised in the social care sector but ... when applied to the CA criteria ?

If you currently unemployed , are you claiming ESA or any other benefit / allowance ?

I hope the above information assists.
(I had trouble signing in but here now) Thanks so much for this Chris My sis who is here from the states told me I need to tell Gov UK Carers Allowance Dept. I have stopped caring for her or she won't get Social Services carers coming in 3 x a day So I did I am now not getting the allowance but still need to be nearby
So , new need to find income from another source ... either sign on or paid employment.

On the caree front , anything you want to bounce off the inmates on this forum ?

Needs assessments / funding / housing / finances / benefits / general health concerns etc. etc. ... ?
Your sister is wrong. Email the Carers UK helpline to find out the DWP guidance on being "available to care". I know they've got all the information you need, as they gave it to me some years ago.
In fact, it sounds like your sister is what we call a "helicopter", not seen for ages, drops in, tells everyone what they should/should not be doing, then flies off again to be seen next who knows when. Don't allow her to tell you what to do. Ask us!
Or it could be that Jacky's sister has flown in to rescue her from a situation that was becoming too much for Jacky!

Note that Jacky says she feels 'a bit of a failure'....NO, Jacky, you are NOT a failure for having had to 'give up' on looking after your mum, yourself, on your own, without any help, and with your own work, your own family, and your animal rescue!

Sometimes, we need to be given 'permission' to say we are not going to do all the caring any longer, and it sounds like your sister has performed this role. I had a friend of mine give me 'permission' to put my poor MIL with developing dementia into supported living, rather than find a flat for her near me, or, worse, have her live with me, as even her own flat would still have meant I had to go in and out all the time to do everything for her....supported living in an Abbeyfield was the best option at the time - the place provided meals, and you could have a carer come in in the morning to help you up, shower, dress and breakfast, etc.

I felt really bad about it, by my friend (who used to be a counsellor), talked to my teenage son, then came down to me and said 'your son says Gran should go to the Abbeyfield and I think so too - it's the only practical option long term'.

So I did - I'd been 'given permission' to admit I couldn't do it myself any longer.

Jacky, the GREAT thing about handing daily care over to others, whether they are care workers coming in, or if someone is in a home of some kind, is that YOU don't have to do the 'chore work', but you can then focus on spending the time you can with your mum in what I call 'companion caring'. So 'someone else' does all the work, and you and your mum can spend 'quality time' with each other when you are together.

As for the nighttime care, has your mum got a Lifeline etc, so she can buzz in an emergency? Or it might even be possible to 'wire' her, as in, like an extended baby monitor, whereby she can 'talk' to you remotely (or would that be a bad idea!!)

Sadly, as she ages, your mum will, inevitably just need more and more care, and so by accepting now that you have reached your limit, you are setting up the care situation with outside carers that will be needed more and more - maybe to the point where residential care is needed eventually??

Anyway, the thing now is to focus on setting up this situation now, and seeing how it plays out. How long will your sister be in the UK? Can she watch to see how it works?

As for whether you can or can't still claim CA, do, as others are saying, consult the team of experts at Carers UK - email is best apparently. Claim everything you can off the state - you are saving them a fortune!
Jacky, now is the time to talk to your family, to work out where to go from here.
You are ought not to feel like a failure. You are sensible to realise how much you are able to commit to bearing in mind your other responsibilities. Pacing yourself now will enable you to support your mum long term and not get burnt out too fast. Being on call at night time is no small task. I don't see any negative ramifications of what you are doing. You're just being realistic.
Jacky, a few years ago I had counselling, aimed at managing all the competing demands on me. I was incredibly helpful, because I was supported to decide on what was most important in my life. Whilst my disabled, mum wanted me to do everything for her, I also had a son with severe learning difficulties. He had to take priority over mum (which she grudgingly accepted!) because she could speak up for herself, he couldn't. Most important of all though was the counsellor telling me I had a RIGHT to a life of my own, so not to feel guilty about what I couldn't do, but to feel proud of what I was doing. Simply life changing.
One of the dangers of taking on the care, at whatever level of care, of an elderly person is that there is a tendency for us to say 'oh, I'll keep going, put my life on hold, set aside my own priorities, while I'm caring, because, after all, the elderly person is elderly and they have not got that much time left in the world.'

But, however much time left in the world they turn out to have (and this is NOT predictable, and nor is it always as 'brief' as one might think - for example, I have read that the average lifesspan of someone diagnosed with dememtia is eight years - that's the average!) my argument is we CANNOT just 'put our own life on hold' for the duration of our caring tenure!

Putting it bluntly, we CAN'T adopt a personal strategy of 'waiting for them to die'...sounds brutal, but it boils down to that!

We have, therefore,to work out a way of having ENOUGH of our own lives to 'justify' our own existence for ourselves. We can't spend these caring years 'waiting for mum/dad to die'.....(with the added 'And THEN I'll pick up my own life again'.....)

That's why, yes, we DO have to pace ourselves. We can't be 'full on' carers for 'ever' (and it can seem like 'for ever' sigh).

With my MIL with dementia, even the five months I was looking after her on my own those five months 'disappeared' as far as I was concerned and my life was concerned. They were exclusively dedicated to my MIL, and what SHE needed and wanted. My own life just 'stopped'.

In the nearly four years now that she has been in a care home, I can look back over those four years and think what I've done with MY life in that time, that would have been completely impossible had I had her with me, for me to spend each and every day looking after her.

AS BB says, WE too, have a right to life- and we are entitled to enjoy a good chunk of it ourselves, for ourselves and for no one else - however much they may want us!

It's about compromise - and the carees have to make compromises too. Anything else is just unfair. And that applies even when the caree doesn't agree they need to compromise in their wants, or, as with dementia patients they are incapable of understanding that. We don't have to get their agreement, or their permission, to impose that compromise on them!!