Carer struggling.

[Norma_1704]

Hi! I’m Norma aged 50 and a carer for my husband, although it doesn’t feel like he’s my husband anymore. He suffers from progressive ms, psychosis, copd and now diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I also have twin boys aged 15 who both have Autism. I have been the only carer for my husband for the last 10 years and found myself struggling on and off during that time. Since the added diagnosis of diabetes, I am struggling big time. I feel like I am not living anymore and my sole purpose is to see to everyone else. My husband does not care about any of his illnesses nor how I feel. He will not control any of his ailment so I have to. He will not shower and hasn’t washed himself in 5 months. I know this sounds really selfish of me to say this but I now believe myself and my kids could have a much better life if he was living somewhere else. I have an appointment next week to talk to my doctor as I am now feeling very anxious and don’t feel I can do this much longer. If anyone has any advice, I would be really grateful. Thank you for reading my long list of moans.

[bowlingbun]

Hi Norma,
You have a difficult decision to make. Ask your GP for some counselling, you have a right to some "me" time. What help are your sons getting?

[Norma_1704]

Thanks for getting back to me bowlingbun. I don’t see a way out of this without hurting my husband but me and the kids spend are spending all of our time at home now and he doesn’t even see it as a problem. He won’t even make himself a sandwich, he just doesn’t care about himself at all and I can’t sacrifice my kids lives or mine to helping someone who won’t or doesn’t want to help himself. I don’t get any help with the kids but they are not a problem to me, they are very good kids and I wouldn’t change them at all. I know I am going to have to let my husband go but don’t have a clue what I’m doing and not sure I could live with the guilt of him being alone once I do

[bowlingbun]

You focus firmly on what he NEEDS. Care and support 24/7. There should be somewhere near your home where he could live, with nursing staff to care for him, so you and the kids could visit. A counsellor would be a huge help in getting through this tough period, certainly helped me.

[Leslie_1808]

Hi Norma
Sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Correct me if I am wrong but It sounds like you Your about to or have decided to leave you’re man. Well it’s ever you and the kids or you carry on till you burn out.
My daughter seemed to be it your place not long ago, she just got back from her wedding, SSD (Social service department) took out a protection order on one of her kids, moved her and her autistic daughters out to a BnB, splitting up her new family and told she had to choose between living with her 1st born and leaving her new family with her two other kids or let her child on in to care of SSD. Like your situation, ever way you have the worst emotions you could have.

I say the KIDS come 1st. Your there voice is this. I can tell you that SSD will help. There will not want your kids go into care and will give you support for housing. Has for your husband this could be a wake up call, however if you let adults services know what’s going there will step in. I am just about to start the caring and everyone keeps telling me as soon as you feel like your burning out, get help and walk away if your can’t help the person your caring for. Now that’s easy to say and with the emotion involved that’s going to be hard to do.

However if we can’t help the person we are caring for we may be part of the problem and not part of there solution. I hope I can take my own advice if it comes to it.

I full respect that I have not cared for a loved one yet. But this post reflects all the advice I am getting.

Who knows you maybe telling me this in six months, when I am posting “HELP”

Life changes my life was feet up in the country side, waking me dog and life is fine, now it’s back to London to care for my challenging granddaughter. Looks like yours is adout to change too.

Let me know what you decide your have my support even if it’s via posts

[Terence_18071]

I have cared for three wives during the past 40 years.
The first had acute Post Natal Depression, which changed her completely. They hospitalised her to the point she would have died in there. Took her out but after being told I was having an affair, became very promiscuous and stole expensive things, even though we were financially comfortable.
Got divorced and eventually married the children’s Nanny. A year later she was pregnant and having her first child. Hospital diagnosis got it wrong and she was left terminally ill. I gave up my Career to care for her and the children. She died in my arms aged just 29 on 28/08/94.
I married again and where my health deteriorated with Bells Palsy, Diabetes, a Stroke and a few Tia’s.
Later my wife suffered a Stroke too ,leaving her with Acute Anxiety Disorder , which is a nightmare to deal with. Like you nobody cared for me , but you must harass The Doctor Surgery until they realise if they don’t help and now you will be on the Slab and then they will have to pay for everything.
If they can afford a £40+ Billion divorce bill with the EU, then they can help you.
My late wife Mandy wrote her tragic story, so please go to www.carersassociation.info and download her book free of charge and which I really hope it helps.
Please join the Carers fight ,by becoming a Member free of charge at www.nuc.org.uk
Take care and don’t forget to demand more from your Doctor
Terry B

[jenny lucas]

"Thanks for getting back to me bowlingbun. I don’t see a way out of this without hurting my husband "

Yet he could not care less that he is hurting you!

Think on that, and put your children first, and then yourself. I think your husband has used up his 'credit balance' with you, if he ever had one. He has NO right to make your life yet more difficult than it already is. Whatever his problems, HIS first duty is to his children - yet he seems to be focussed only on himself. Not acceptable!