[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Carer Depression - My Story - Carers UK Forum

Carer Depression - My Story

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello my name is Jake, I am 20 years old and have been caring for my mother for the past 3 and a half years. This post might be long so I appreciate anybody who takes the time to read it and I truly value any replies.

Throughout my life my mum has always needed help due to her many illnesses. My attendance in school was always extremely low because of this and I struggled to make friends because of this which resulted in me spending most of my school life alone. My mother could always be toxic in many ways being overly controlling, making me feel stupid, being the lesser child, emotionally manipulative and very angry much of the time. Over the years this has gotten much worse and has peaked over the last few years. Despite all this I love her and want to help her anyway I can.

3 and a half years ago I felt like my life was finally coming together I had a close group of friends for the first time ever and had started dating a girl I had a crush on for a long time. Then one day my mother told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed to have a new member of the family but this came at the cost of me having to drop out of school to help my mum through the pregnancy because it made her many disabilities worse. After I dropped out I quickly lost all my friend and my short lived relationship had ended because I could never make time for any of them.

Ever since I have been looking after my mum and raising my baby sister. Although she is my sister I have grown a more parental emotional bound with her and I love it. She is my whole world. I also still want to help my mum but she is making it very difficult. She is constantly angry with me, controlling over all my life choices and blames me for a lot of her problems. She has also become very paranoid and accused me of many things that I did not do. I know that she loves me but I don't think she has any respect for me as my own person. I should emphasis that she is perfectly fine with my baby sister, she takes her guilt and frustrations out on me and my older sister who is 24.

I have reached the point mentally where I am exhausted and sad. If I'm not sad I just feel numb and emotionless. I'm not suicidal but I am very depressed and stressed. I have plenty of dreams and ambitions but I can't persue them, have almost no free time and am constantly broke for cash.

I want to talk to people I'm close too like my sister or my one friend who sticked with me but they each have their own issues and I don't want to add anything onto them. My sister just went through an extremely toxic relationship and is depressed and my friend is dealing with bipolar disorder. I am trying to help them both through their problems also but I am dealing with my own life alone and don't know how to cope.

Thank you for reading this.
Jake_1911 wrote:
Thu Nov 14, 2019 7:55 pm
Hello my name is Jake, I am 20 years old and have been caring for my mother for the past 3 and a half years. This post might be long so I appreciate anybody who takes the time to read it and I truly value any replies.

Throughout my life my mum has always needed help due to her many illnesses. My attendance in school was always extremely low because of this and I struggled to make friends because of this which resulted in me spending most of my school life alone. My mother could always be toxic in many ways being overly controlling, making me feel stupid, being the lesser child, emotionally manipulative and very angry much of the time. Over the years this has gotten much worse and has peaked over the last few years. Despite all this I love her and want to help her anyway I can.

3 and a half years ago I felt like my life was finally coming together I had a close group of friends for the first time ever and had started dating a girl I had a crush on for a long time. Then one day my mother told me she was pregnant. I was overjoyed to have a new member of the family but this came at the cost of me having to drop out of school to help my mum through the pregnancy because it made her many disabilities worse. After I dropped out I quickly lost all my friend and my short lived relationship had ended because I could never make time for any of them.

Ever since I have been looking after my mum and raising my baby sister. Although she is my sister I have grown a more parental emotional bound with her and I love it. She is my whole world. I also still want to help my mum but she is making it very difficult. She is constantly angry with me, controlling over all my life choices and blames me for a lot of her problems. She has also become very paranoid and accused me of many things that I did not do. I know that she loves me but I don't think she has any respect for me as my own person. I should emphasis that she is perfectly fine with my baby sister, she takes her guilt and frustrations out on me and my older sister who is 24.

I have reached the point mentally where I am exhausted and sad. If I'm not sad I just feel numb and emotionless. I'm not suicidal but I am very depressed and stressed. I have plenty of dreams and ambitions but I can't persue them, have almost no free time and am constantly broke for cash.

I want to talk to people I'm close too like my sister or my one friend who sticked with me but they each have their own issues and I don't want to add anything onto them. My sister just went through an extremely toxic relationship and is depressed and my friend is dealing with bipolar disorder. I am trying to help them both through their problems also but I am dealing with my own life alone and don't know how to cope.

Thank you for reading this.
Hello. Welcome to the forums!

Have you requested a needs assessment or not? Call the local council tomorrow to start the process. I fully understand your emotions. During my first year of caring I was overwhelmed at times. It took me approximately six months to feel that I could maybe do this. I kept a diary as well chronicling my feelings etc.

Have you considered volunteering or not? There are lots of options out there. What about freelance enterprise work? That may be a viable option. Also research how to find work when you have a disability or impairment too.
Start by making a list of your skills and hobbies. Stay calm and positive. Look online to find vacancies, many sites are useful to those looking for work. Read job descriptions and pay attention to the requirements and so on. https://www.disabilityrightsuk.org/care ... led-people. Good luck!

Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist? It can definitely help you. Ask for a referral to a community mental health team. It sounds like both of you could benefit from therapy or counselling sessions. See if you can find a private counsellor or therapist. The British Psychologist Society can help you access support. Talk to your doctor.
Thanks for the reply. I have looked into therapy but I can't start that without mother finding out and if she does she will either treat me differently or her mental health will be further effected and I don't wanna be the cause of any of that.

I also don't have time for volunteering or working. I'm a 24/7 carer for my mum and baby sister. I tried working at a bar last 2 years ago. It was late at night when my sister was asleep so I didn't have to worry about mum trying to look after her by herself but I was physically exhausted having to do all that work and be a carer. Plus I was suffering from insomnia so I barely slept. It wud be too much work for me currently.
Jake, you cannot live your own life worrying about mum all the time. You are a young man and should be out there enjoying your life.
A good mum would be doing her very best to encourage you to do this, yours is just a nasty manipulator.
Are you never ever allowed to go out without saying where to?
It's a real shame that this wasn't all sorted out years ago when you were school age.

Without wishing to be crude, mum did find time and energy to go out, meet someone and make a baby! Her behaviour as far as the child is concerned is dreadful. She isn't even taking responsibility for the child.
Counselling is absolutely vital to help you make a life change. We have helped a few others over the year make that change, and will give you all the support you need to stand up for yourself more.
Hi Jake,
I am new to this forum. You have such a huge responsibility on your hands. My mum sounds a bit like yours. My youngest brother stays with my mum, he has been there all his life and never moved out. Due to my mum being manipulative and controlling him mentally. I tried so hard to get him to leave and have a life for himself and now hes given up and thinks hes too old to do so. My mum has no real physical disabilities. After my dad died young she gave up and just depended too much on my 2 brothers who lived at home at the time. Please dont do as my younger brother has done. Take sound advice that comes your way, and get some sort of life for yourself. My mum now has early signs of dementia and my brothers mental state is not great. An awful situation and frustrating for me as I am finding it difficult to offer help as neither will except and I can only visualise that things will get worse for them both. Remember that you're mum will get older and could be more of a burden on you longterm. You need to take advice and you are probably stuck in a rut and unsure what way to turn. You do not want to be your mums life carer. Like said here you are still young. At least you've taken the first step to posting here.
Well done for posting. That really can't have been easy.

You are a young man. You are entitled to a life. To an education. To a job. Your Mum needs to accept outside help to enable you to have these things. This is what a good parent should want for you. Not for you to be giving up your own happiness for her.

Your Mum's illnesses aren't her fault. But they are not yours either. Taking out her frustrations on you is not acceptable.

She certainly shouldn't be making you feel bad about seeking help for your own depression.

It is a complicated situation with your little sister. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job by her. But you can't keep looking after her and your Mum. It just isn't fair. You really need some help and support so you can live your life. Fulfil your own dreams and ambitions and have a family of your own if that is what you want.

Has your Mum had a recent needs assessment by social services. Usually that is the start of getting some additional support. Then maybe you can look at resuming your education?
Thanks for all the kind replies guys. I dunno what I'm even feeling to be honest. I feel guilty for even saying any of these things like I'm in the wrong. Then again this whole opening up things is new to me. This is the first time I've properly done it. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive mum would always say about Manning up. God I don't know. Honestly I feel like I am experiencing 2 people's emotions at once and I can't figure out which is actually mine and if the other is just what manipulation feels like.
Jake_1911 wrote:
Fri Nov 15, 2019 5:33 pm
Thanks for all the kind replies guys. I dunno what I'm even feeling to be honest. I feel guilty for even saying any of these things like I'm in the wrong. Then again this whole opening up things is new to me. This is the first time I've properly done it. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive mum would always say about Manning up. God I don't know. Honestly I feel like I am experiencing 2 people's emotions at once and I can't figure out which is actually mine and if the other is just what manipulation feels like.
Don't feel bad. You are not to blame. I think it is time for change. Start using the word no more often. You deserve happiness.
Jake, sorting things out is difficult, certainly there are no quick fixes.
After I was widowed, I bought a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff (usually cheap on ebay). It's written primarily for those who have recently ended a long term marriage/relationship. However, it deals mainly with how the reader is feeling, getting to know yourself better. I'm sure this would help you.
Image