Care home refused to take my mum

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Thanks again great advice from all.

Jenny your advice re visiting GP to say my sister is not in a position to care for my mum was exactly the plan. I was to visit the GP today but unfortunately my sister had a seizure and fall and ended up in hospital but I had told the SS 2 days ago that she had said she is no longer in a position to be a Carer as she now needs care herself.

I am visiting the manager not my sister although she is the one that lives with my mum I'm the one that does all the official work as inbanking appointments and such.

Mum has been in respite on a number of occasions and always just stayed in her room staring at the tv even at meal times which is basically what happens at home. In the last nursing home (the one that's refused to take her) she was totally different, it's a new home that is set up like a village with shops and restaurants, she loved it! She was like a different person. She mixed, had her meals with everyone else, she actually said she didn't want to leave, and this is why I'm so heartbroken at what has been said as this place made all the difference to her.
Tracy, that sounds a wonderful place, especially as mum loved it so much. Makes me think more than ever that SSD are being devious. Before you go back to the home, write a list of all the things mum liked about the place, and how much better her general well being was when she was there.
Be brave and ask what it was that any of the family did that upset them so much. After all, mum would be the resident. I've found that sometimes care services don't understand the "back story" for a relative's anxiety.
This week, I explained the new Service Manager for SSD why my disabled son and I were so utterly fed up. Since leaving residential care he'd had a total of six different care agencies. We'd been told repeatedly to move to a new one, but they just repeated the problems of the old ones, again and again.
Sorry I muddled up you and your sister re the care home!

It does sound absolutely lovely. I can remember a friend of mine telling me about a place in Holland which is a Dementia Village - it's set up so the residents can feel they are living in a 'real village', and can go in and out of shops, buying anything they want with 'toy money'. She was saying her dad would love it - he has dementia, lives with her, and his one and only aim EVERY DAY is to 'go to the bank' - it's like part of his mind still remembers that banks are 'important' and that you have to 'go to them' to do 'important things'.

She's had to use lots of 'diversions' to get him distracted. eg, telling him 'Dad, todays a bank holiday, remember? We'll go to the bank tomorrow'.....

Sadly, he's now gone beyond even wanting to go to the bank.....she almost misses it, and it shows her how much he has deterioriated further, which is sad....

So, that place for your mum sounds brilliant. I definitely think a 'full and frank chat' is called for.

If they thought your sister was too 'fussing' then remember that if your mum is there permanently, she won't want to fuss as much, as she'll know your mum has settled, and the care stuff are doing what they should, etc etc. She will be calmer herself, less stressed (my stress levels re my MIL are now practically zero!) (on bad days I used to find myself planning her funeral - I always knew that was a Bad Sign....sorry to admit it, but it was true- I just wanted it all OVER AND DONE WITH!!!!!!) (Oh dear....)

Another thought might be to try and get the care home to tell you about their fees - ie, both their sefl-funding fees, and what they charge the SS. There's usually a HUGE difference - the basic truth is that the self-funders are 'overpaying' and the SS are 'underpaying'. Self-funders end up 'topping up' the underpayments that the SS pay.

SS justify the underpayments on the grounds that they place loads of residents, so get a 'volume discount' but it's usually just because they have budget constraints, and so try and pay as little as they can get away with.

Obviously, the care home as 'real costs' (what it actually costs to have a resident there) and also are entitled to make a 'fair profit' (as are we all!), but that 'real cost' is usually not paid by the SS, and is usually overpaid by the self-funders.

I'm wondering, considering how 'good' this home is, if the 'real costs' are genuinely higher (because they provide more for residents, bluntly!), and that is why even the 'underpaid' costs by the SS are still going to be more than what they have to fork out to other care homes who just leave residents to stare at the TV in their rooms......

Good care isn't cheap, even bad care isn't cheap - but I'm suspecting that money is at the root of why your SS is balking at 'letting' your mum go into permanent care at this particular home.

All the best with it -

PS I know the whole issue of 'top up' fees is very, very noxious. BUT, in this partiucar instance, I'm wondering whether, IF your mum's finances would permit it, would it be possible for you to tell the home that IF what the council/SS will contribute is simply inadequate to the 'higher cost' of this 'better home' that you/your sister/your mum could 'pay the difference'???

I'm loathe to mention this, as top up fees are SO 'controversial' (usually for good reasons) but in this case, if this truly is the only home your mum has taken to, and the care it offers is so distinctly so much better (and inherently more expensive for good reasons, ie, extra provided), then maybe, this once, it could be justified??? (Though no use at all if your family finances don't run to it anyway!!!!!)
Tracy _1709 wrote:
Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:01 am
I contacted the social worker who contacted the nursing home my mum had previously been in and they told the SW that they wouldn't take her back as they had felt uncomfortable with her family! Non of us have any idea what this is about we're absolutely gob smacked as on no occasion has anybody spoke to us regarding any issues. Surely if they had felt there were problems they should of approached somebody or at least informed the SW?
Hi Tracy

Hope you can get somewhere with the care home Manager - I must admit from what you've said above that I'm wondering if they have mixed your family up with that of another resident (maybe with a similar name) ? Or is it that they are 'uncomfortable' with your sister's condition and concerned that she might have a seizure whilst visiting ?
So an update! The manager of the nursing home has just rang me to say there is no point me going for the meeting as the decision has been made!!! I asked for an explanation and this is what I got. My sister had lost my mums bank card, and as my mum is really hard of hearing, in the previous nursing home they helped by bringing in a phone and helping writing down the details. The nursing home said she shouldn't of been asking for them to help! I'm utterly flabbergasted!
Ring the Care Quality Commission!
bowlingbun wrote:
Fri Sep 01, 2017 1:06 pm
Ring the Care Quality Commission!
Thank you, this is my plan.