Care home refused to take my mum

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Hi this is my first post :D my mum was recently in a nursing home for respite care. My sister is her Carer. My mum suffers from vascular dementia among other problems as she's 87years old. My sister is in her 60s and suffers from epilepsy as such we've been desperately trying to get my mum admitted permanently but social services have said it's not possible and offered care in the home obviously this is far from ideal as due to my sisters problems both are not getting the care they require. Yesterday my sister was out working her dog when she had a seizure and was found she had fallen face first and was unable to walk, this left my mum home alone as I work 200 miles away. I contacted the social worker who contacted the nursing home my mum had previously been in and they told the SW that they wouldn't take her back as they had felt uncomfortable with her family! Non of us have any idea what this is about we're absolutely gob smacked as on no occasion has anybody spoke to us regarding any issues. Surely if they had felt there were problems they should of approached somebody or at least informed the SW? I'm at a loss of what to do. This is the only nursing home my mum has settled in and I'm so upset that she is being made to suffer due to something we are unaware of! Does anybody have any advice?

So sorry for such a long first post :blush:
Not an instant solution, but you have a legal right to see any information stored on a computer written about you, both the home and Social Services. It's called a Subject Access Request. Google this and look at the Information Commissioner's website for more information.
Clearly your sister should not be caring for mum ever again, she now needs the support of the GP and anyone else medically involved with her, to tell Social Services this in no uncertain terms. They have 40 working days within which to provide this information.
Where is mum at the moment? Does she own her home? Was your sister living with her?
Thank you for your reply. Mum has gone into a different nursing home. She doesn't own her own home and my sister does live with her. I've been fighting social services regarding my sister being her Carer but they were insistent that mum couldn't go into permanent care. Only a couple of days ago I'd spoken to them stating how the stress of being mums Carer was causing my sister to have frequent seizures!

Thanks for your advice hopefully I will get an appointment with the nursing home manager as I honestly have no idea what has happened! The whole family is utterly shocked :-???
I'm concerned that if your mum rents her home from a housing association or council, she may now lose her home?
Sadly, a number of carers here have ended up in this situation, you need to help your sister asap to find out if she has a "right of succession" to the tenancy of the property. If mum and dad lived there together, then dad died, mum would have inherited the tenancy. Most tenancies can only be passed on once. Some places might make an exception as your sister was a carer and is herself disabled, but it's something you need to be aware of. Sorry, but it's better to establish the facts asap.

How strange. I too would ask the nursing home manager directly what the problem was. The cynical part of me wonders whether the home was more expensive than Social Services is prepared to fund.

Good luck, Anne
Good thinking Anne. Perhaps the social worker was being "economical with the truth" to save her department money? Probably thought no one would have the courage to go back to the home and ask directly?
I've been told blatant lies by one particular social worker, it IS possible.
Many thanks for your replies. I too wondered if this was the case but I did inform social services that I would be speaking to the nursing home, I have made an appointment with the manager and have a meeting today.

In regards to my sister and living with my mum. We have discussed whether she will be able to stay as when she moved in with my mum she was told if circumstances changed she wouldn't be able to but that the housing association would find her somewhere else however as she is now in ill health and really now needs a Carer of her own! I'm hoping that this will be taken into consideration.
I quite agree that the first priority is to check out whether your sister can continue to live where she is, even if your mum goes into permanent residential care (which I hope she will.)

I also agree that it's completely unsafe for your sister to look after your mum, both in terms of your mum's safety (what if your sister has a bad seizure and your mum is then left 'unattended'?) and, of course, your sister (if the stress of caring is, very understandably, exacerbating the frequency and severity of the seizures). So that has to end.

The question is, how?

When a family member is living in the caree's home, especially when she has no independent home of her own, the SS can exploit that just as they are doing now. SS know that with your sister 'there' with your mum, she is 'trapped' so to speak. So they can away with refusing to take your mum into residential care (which is expensive to SS!) (MUCH cheaper for SS to use your sister to provide the care!!!!!!!).

So, what can be done. I would say, first off, that your sister now visits your mum's GP (hopefully this is hers, too, or at least at the same practice), and simply informs the GP that she is NO LONGER able or willing to provide ANY care for her mother. She doesn't have to give reasons - remember, and this is something many relatives don't understand, but legally NOT ONE OF US has ANY 'Duty of Care' towards our parents (or any adult family member!) - your sister is perfectly free to emigrate to Australia and never see her mum again if she wants to! No one can MAKE her care. It's VOLUNTARY.

So, she tells her mum's GP she isn't going to be the mum's carer any more (and yes, citing the epilepsy getting worse if she wants - it can be a useful 'lever') (even if it's not strictly speaking necessary, because she can, as I say, simply refuse to care any longer!).

Then, better still, write a short letter or email (print it out too) saying that. Something along the lines of 'This is to inform you and confirm that I will not be providing any future care for my mother, as from the end of this calendar month. Please make whatever alternative provisions are necessary to ensure her care is adequate for her needs. Thank you.' Then sign and date it. She does NOT have to give reasons or justify it! It's just her CHOICE (which she is FREE to make!)

Then do similar with the SS - essential to put it in writing. Never trust to phone calls or verbal exchanges EVER when it comes to SS etc etc - they will 'lose and deny' to their heart's content, if they can wriggle out of spending money on your mum!!!!! (Hopefully not, but be prepared for them NOT to be cooperative!) (it's not in their interests to be cooperative - they want your sister to go on doing the caring 'free'!)

Then it's up to SS what they want to do. I expect they will first of all try and (a) get your sister to care again (using all sorts of pleas and bribes and promises of 'more help' blah blah blah and then (b) offer care workers to go in and only finally (c) offer residential care.

The practical trouble is that, right now, your sister is living with your mum ,and they know that. So SS will try and get her to 'give in and care again' and anyway, it's hard for your sister to be in the place and NOT provide care, even if care-workers are coming in (does she get ANY help at the moment??).

So, I wonder whether it might be possible for your sister to physically move out for a bit (as said earlier, essential to check if she is entitled to take over the tenancy at some point), eg, on a holiday or, maybe, come to stay with you for a couple of weeks maybe?? Something that takes her 'right away'.

That will 'force SS's hand' as your sister must tell them that your mum will be completely alone and unattended for that period, and it will become a safeguarding issue for a vulnerable adult.

Even if your mum simply goes into respite residential care for a few weeks, that gives you and your sister time to act - eg, even to 'change the locks' maybe so your mum can't be sent back home again?

It's going to be 'unpleasant' to get your mum into permanent residential care, because the SS will 'fight back', and you and your sister will need to play hardball. Any sign of 'weakening' and you'll all be right back where you started.

Hang on to the fact that your sister has NO 'duty of care' and cannot be forced to care by SS.

Wishing you all the best in a tricky situation!

How did your mum take to the respite care? I think you said she seemed settled in the one that then said they wouldn't have her back, so that is good. So many with dementia don't like residential care, at least at first.

One sad 'blessing' of dementia, never forget, is that as it progresses the person becomes less and less aware of their physical environment.

My MIL, when she first went into residential care with dementia really did not like it (she kept trying to walk out - sigh) (even though it was a lovely home - she just wanted to 'Go Home' or, if not then 'Find Me'.....sigh)

But now, with her dementia far more advanced she honestly does not know where she is, or what the time of day is. She's got much more 'peaceable' if you see what I mean, and spends most of her time dozing off.

It's desperately sad to see, but it means I can feel more at ease in my mind about having 'put her into a home' and like I say, advanced dementia can mean they don't stress out nearly as much as they did when it is less advanced.

As for your sister and her mum's flat- it sounds like you say that SHE now is becoming 'entitled' to being looked after herself, so I do hope this means she can continue to live there. Would this be doable, do you think, given her increasing debility? I would hope that without your mum to worry and fret over, she will be easier in her mind, and the stress levels will reduce and therefore so will the seizures....
Sorry - me again - just thought....

If your sister doesn't get anywhere with the home manager about why they don't want your mum back, I wonder if it would help if YOU spoke to the manager yourself, say over the phone (sometimes easier for them to say 'uncomfortable things' if it's not face to face!), and see whether what they are worried about maybe is your sister?????

Sometimes, family carers can come across like 'neurotic mother hens'.....(!)....simply because they are SO stressed and SO concerned about their elderly careee, and that might make them seem 'difficult' eg 'My mum likes this, my mum likes that, she has to have this, she has to have that, don't try and do this, don't try and do that' (fuss fuss fuss!) and that can put backs up even when it's the last thing that the family carer realises let alone intends?

It's a bit like putting a kiddy into nursery for the first time (Little Johnny only eats sausage rolls, he doesn't like water, he always has a bit of chocolate after lunch, don't try and make him wipe his nose, do let him play with the toy cars all day, don't let him catch head lice from the other children....etc etc etc!!!!!!!!) (it's all done out of love and fear, but it can come across to the teacher as OH MY GOD WHAT A FUSSPOT MUM!!!)

Sorry if this is way off, but it was just a thought!!!! :)