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Care Home Guilt - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Care Home Guilt

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I can honestly say it was life changing for me.

I looked after mum for many years, she and dad lived about 6 miles away, but dad worked away a lot.
Like so many others, it was first bits of shopping, odd trips to the doctors but gradually it was more and more, most of the time mum was adamant that she only wanted me.

Counselling made me understand that I had a right to say no, or better still, just avoid jobs.
The biggest leap for me was when I realised that despite not having to do things any more, to know it was OK to not behave like an obedient child, I still wanted to do things for mum, but not with a feeling of duty any more, just pure love within me, for her, my mum.
We were as different as chalk and cheese in many ways, but I never for one moment doubted that mum loved me, even if she did have a funny way of showing it at times.

The last year, when she was very infirm, in a nursing home, so others doing most things for her, meant that again I was at last free to be more of a daughter, rather than slave. To buy her little treats, to spend quality time talking about the old days, buying fresh flowers for her, or even better cutting them from her own garden, until it was sold.
Neither of us wanted residential care, but it became the only option left as mum became more and more frail.

Try to feel SAD, not guilty. You are not the one who gave mum her health problems, but you have done as much as anyone could to support her living at home for as long as possible. With increasing age comes increasing disability, something we are powerless to change. What we all want most of all is the one thing we cannot have, the good health of our youthful years!
You describe it well bowlingbun, when you talk about being an ‘obedient child’. I suppose I’m like that with both my parents, my mum in the care home and my dad now living alone. Not that either of them really insist on me doing everything or anything for that matter, I just feel like I must do it all for them! My dads quite active really, regular at walking football and goes shopping etc, I just feel sad at him now on his own, but I’m also relieved he’s not constantly caring for my mum as I know that was getting too much.

It’s good to hear about other people’s experiences as it’s quite difficult to find people who have experienced similar in the ‘real world’.

Thank you :)
Our parents are very good at knowing which "buttons to press" in their children.
I was always taught never to say "No" or "I won't" to my parents. It took counselling to make me realise I was still doing it!
My mum always took the view that I was younger, I should do whatever she couldn't, even when I was hobbling around on two sticks waiting for knee replacements after a car accident nearly killed me. Somehow, she just didn't see that I couldn't do what I used to do.
You mentioned sore skin. Is she on an air mattress and hospital bed? Sounds like she may be prone to developing pressure sores. Those are so painful and difficult to heal. Please make sure the home is taking this sore skin seriously.
Thank you Rosemary, yes I think she’s on the correct mattress and cushions in her chair. The Gp examined her today and think it’s sore skin down below rather than pressure sores. gp wondered if the skin could require antibiotics to clear and she’s been prescribed more barrier cream to help. I really hope it does the trick. I do sometimes find it difficult to chat to the more senior staff at the home to check creams are being applied correctly, as they all seem so busy, and always tell me that yes the are applied, I’m not always sure they are.

Thank you bowlingbun, that’s definitely me! I never chatted back to my parents, was always the ‘good’ one and suppose I am still stuck in that cycle a bit. Makes sense, it really does.

Thank you both :)
That was a really lovely post bowlingbun » "03 Jan 2020 15:03". Makes a lot of sense too.