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Can't cope with my mum after her stroke - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Can't cope with my mum after her stroke

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I should hear from the social worker tomorrow as she only works Monday-Wednesday. I don't have the energy to complain to the nhs, they done all they could for her and the attitude she gave the OTs probably didn't help the situation. I'm hoping the social worker can arrange extra care on top of the renablement care.
Hi I don't know how much this will help you but I have been at the point you are my mum had her stroke 5 years ago at 55 she was in hospital for 3 months they said she needed a care home but we wanted her home so since that day I have been the one looking after her in the day and my dad in the night the first week she was out she asked me to kill her the thought of not being able to do anything for herself put her in a bad place she was nasty and angry all the time I hated it but I understood why she seen her life as over that was the day I grew the strength for us both I fought so hard to get her to was a dish to mover around in her wheelchair and after a year and half take her first step (they said she wouldn't walk). I was 26 newly married running 2 homes trying to work to the stress of it all isn't for everyone I do understand but over time it gets better It really will you have to give her something to live for every day and you will find she will change even just a little I hope that is some help for you
I am in exactly the same boat! It has got horrendous; I moved my Mum in with myself and my partner last year ; she convinced us that it was desperate enough for her she couldn’t cope alone anymore. She suffers with COPD and other health complications but these amount to sever chest infections which effects her breathing. I have been pulling my hair out trying to get Mum some mental health support as I believe she is suffering with Post Traumatic Stress disorder due to past events that I was able to successfully move on from which she seems to resent. She has recently been assessed and they agree .

My Mum is also nasty and extremely difficult and she has turned our lives upside down. I gave up my job to be home with her but I cannot take it anymore. She tells lies that I “withhold care” she plays mind games with her food and makes it difficult to get her food right and then says I don’t feed her. She accuses my partner of stealing from her and me of abusing her. My partner says I need to get camera’s installed in the house to protect myself. He is ready to leave he can’t take anymore. I don’t know what to do , I can’t live in the constant fear any longer I have spent nearly 7 months afraid to come out of my bedroom. She will not respect boundary’s and causes trouble between my partner and I . It’s like her whole life is dominated by me ; she is so narcissistic everything I do and don’t do is about her .

I have no life no friends left and have become completed isolated . I can only describe what she does as like I am being terrorised in my own home. She comes for me saying terrible untrue things and then eventually I snap and shout at her; it got so bad once the neighbour came round and called me a bitch for shouting at my mum. I feel terrible when I shout but I can’t get away from her and I fear things are getting out of hand. I am now afraid she is trying to get me to snap all the time so she can support her case that I am out to get her and that I am abusing her when I’m not I’ve done everything I can her for , cook clean shower her I’ve even knocked 2 bedrooms in my house into 1 for her because she complained and caused arguments over her saying her room was to small and now she is saying after 3 months of building work and stress that this new massive room isn’t working for her either ; nothing we do is good enough and we are always guilty of doing something to her . When she has well days she goes shopping buying more clothes and stuff we can’t store anywhere all her belongings are stored all over our house we can’t move for her stuff ; and then because she has done too much she gets ill again.

We agree that when she feels well she should take things steady and not rush out she is supposed to pace her self but then doesn’t , it’s like she is making her self deliberately poorly so she can demand care. When she is breathless she pants and grunts really loudly it’s so loud it’s sounds as she is being attacked she does this where neighbours can hear and then will go onto to the front door step and pant and shriek at the top of her voice. Ive tried ignoring the behaviour this only makes her worse she comes for me aggressive saying how can you ignore me when I’m suffering like this but if I go to her it looks like I am hurting her it’s all very bazaar my partner fears she hates me and is trying to break me ; I’ve tried to reason with her but she just argues and try and defend myself and this makes her so angry and aggressive.

I have tried with all my might to help her but she won’t take advice from me or her case workers. She is exactly the same with her case workers she hates the NHS as she has had bad experiences but she uses this as her reason for getting aggressive and combative . she just wants to fight and battle all the time. I don’t want to lose my partner of 8 years but I just don’t know how I get my mum out of my house and I feel guilty for even thinking it. But I promised my partner we would try again to make mum happy and if it fails again things would have to change. I just don’t know what to do but I can’t live with her anymore.

I wasted years doing that, it's not going to happen, ever. You need to concentrate on making you and your partner's life happy. She has no right to live in your house, clearly she does not appreciate your efforts. Give Social Services an ultimatum, that she MUST leave your house by end of June.
Cass, you actually replied to a very old post, so I expect the mods will start a new thread just for you.
I wrote earlier from my phone, much easier now I'm on my computer/keyboard.

How old is mum? Sadly, a stroke can sometimes bring on dementia, so that someone might appear to agree to something but then forget all about it later.

My son was brain damaged at birth, he does this too! It drives me nuts, but I know it's all part of his brain damage, because he has a lovely personaility, really good natured and loving, it's just he can't always remember things.

Firstly, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, you clearly care for mum very much, but she NEEDS more care than you can give. It's SAD that she needs so much help, but you didn't cause any of her problems, so now feel proud of what you can do for her, and no more guilt.

No one can force someone else to care for them, even a wife for a husband, so mum cannot expect you to care for her just because she can no longer care for herself.

None of mum's health problems are going to improve, do you think she is capable of truly understanding this?

I found counselling really helpful when I was newly widowed, newly disabled, with my son and a housebound mum to look after. Counselling supported me to set new priorities, and that was truly life changing. In your situation, I'd strongly recommend it.