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jenny lucas Online
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- Posts: 9648
- Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:39 pm
Fri Sep 29, 2017 10:03 am
I, too, know almost nothing of Parkinsons, other than that I associate it with 'old people' ,and if your child is only five, clearly it must be able to strike much, much younger.
I do think that BB raises a vital point - to what extent does your wife make an effort, within her actual physical (mental?) capabilities, of HELPING you manage her/your child, and to what extent does she 'collapse' on you completely? Again, I'm sorry if Parkinson's can affect the brain such that it affects what, for want of a more accurate term perhaps?, her 'morality' or 'sense of right and wrong' etc etc. To what extent CAN she make 'moral' decisions - such as 'What can I do to help my poor husband cope with this very, very difficult situation that my illness is creating?'
It's always difficult for anyone who is severely and continually afflicted with ill health to think of others not so afflicted, and I'm sure that 'self-centredness' does become something of a constant risk. But, the brute truth is that her condition is not your fault, and in that respect she has been very fortunate to have you stick by her, and so at the very least should not be taking that for granted.
What is she like 'otherwise' would you say? Is she appreciative, affectionate, supportive, companionable etc etc (again, within the limits of what Parkinson's does to her brain). In other words, if you wrote a list of 'good/nice' things about her/her behaviour, and a 'bad/not nice' list, would there be enough on the former to encourage you to continue to invest in this relationship?
Another important exercise to conduct, I would say, is to 'fast forward' - what, bleakly, is her prognosis? Is she likely simply to worsen (terminally?) and over what time frame? Conversely, are there any new treatments coming out of the research labs and into mainstream therapy, and again, over what time frame? (I would think, if your wife is the mother of a young child, she should be in the priority list for receiving any new therapy surely!)
When we are 'stuck in a nightmare' it's very hard mentally to draw back and try and assess the situation objectively and top down, and over a longer time period, but I would say it's essential to try and get that 'long view' of what the future with her is likely to hold.
Lastly, but in fact most importantly, I think you have to look long and hard at the impact on your daughter of her current family life (or lack of it?). At the extreme, would it be in sum 'better' for your daughter NOT to be raised in a household with a mum behaving as she does now, and, possibly, with 'worse to come'? Or would being raised by a single parent (you) be worse?
Again, an honest (and probably quite painful emotionally alas) list of 'pros and cons' of you staying with your wife, or leaving, as affects your daughter, is required.
Whilst I would definitely agree that some form of relationship counselling would be a very good idea, I think there is a fair amount of 'preparatory' work that you can do now, by way of thinking in the ways I've suggested above.
Wishing you (all) the best possible in a very difficult situation. Kind regards, Jenny
PS - another way to 'assess' your wife's behaviour is to compare it with what she was like before the Parkinson's got its grip on her. Has her personality changed profoundly, or is she 'more or less' the same person she always was? Sadly, illness does not automatically turn people into 'saints' - though of course, with Parkinson's there is the added layer of complication of the brain's impact on what a person 'is' . All very complex....