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Can our relationship survive - Carers UK Forum

Can our relationship survive

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
My partner became sick 6 years ago now when out daughter was just one year old.
I have been the sole care provider in a busy house and I need a break.
We don't have much money just ESA PIP at the standard rate and carers allowance of which some money is deducted of the ESA?
I'm mum to three two boys 18 & 20 and our 7 year old daughter. We have pets two large dogs and 5 cats. Some days I get so depressed because I'm up with Amy to get her ready for school and all her things she needs, tidy and vacuum every day, washing dishes and cloths. Prioritising bills and making sure there's enough Gas & electric. He can sit in the bath for hours when he has chest pain or the shower but the shower is expensive to run for hours. I order and collect his meds. Yet when he's well which isn't often I'm still doing all that alone with no thanks . It's like he only notices things I haven't done. We don't kiss and cuddle anymore and intimacy went from once a month to once a year nearly 3 years ago. I need more. I don't feel like a woman or a lover or a girlfriend and I hate it.
He won't talk about it and says the more I moan at him the less he wants it but he hasn't been near me in years but we sleep in the same bed though back to back.
I don't think there's any love left I think it's all gone but I can't leave him cos he'd hound me and take my daughter off me even though he couldn't physically look after her.
I don't know what to do. I'm 44 and my husband died 11 years ago this man is only 39??
Im sorry to hear of your situation .can i ask what is the nature of his illness plz? You defo sound as tho you deserve some well needed me time.sadly if he isnt going to treat you too or appreciate it you may have to think of changes for you own hapiness.for his age he is expecting loads of you and im afraid it will get worse as it goes on
Ask your GP for details of counselling services. Personally, I think the needs of your childre come first. Have you talked to them at all?
I would be careful here if I were you - is he REALLY ILL? or is he swinging the lead? I was in an abusive second marriage- turns out he was an utter conman and thief. As a young man he had been in a car accident, and whilst recovering 'got everything for nothing' - he played on this in his adult life, and was always on meds, going to doctors, in hospital etc etc. he hardly ever worked in the 11 years I was married to him.

Ask your older children, adult to adult, I would bet they don't even like him.

Get out while you can - I did in the end - I am still paying loans off he had me take out.

This sounds horrible -but in my case, one of his pretend illnesses, finally became real, and he is now dead, and I am not sorry.

Get out of this for the sake of your sanity and your little girl. You are getting nothing from it, and it is going to cost you your health and sanity. You are young enough to start over - I was 59 before I made the break, so please do it for yourself and your daughter.
Er, you haven't really GOT a relationship have you? Unless it's one of master/servant! (And you're not getting wages, are you!)

What is there for you to stay? Zilch as far as I can see.

Why not run through the 'Escape Plan' in some detail - how would you actually 'escape' - would you throw him out, leave with your daughter (where are your older children), what would your finances be without him, etc etc etc.

Definitely talk it through with your older children (am I right in thinking they aren't his?). As Mary says, I suspect they resent this total freeloader leeching off you.

What is 'actually' ill about him, and is this confirmed by a doctor (not just because he says so, but because YOU speak to the GP and he says what it is, and what he CAN still do.)

He might say he's 'depressed' but that is no excuse for his freeloading.

You aren't getting a single thing out of this from what I can see.

What is the housing arrangement? Owner, renter, joint renting, who is paying (housing benefit?) etc.

Phone up Shelter and say 'What if I just walk out with my seven year old, what would happen?'