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Can my S-in-law be forced to give her Dad injections - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Can my S-in-law be forced to give her Dad injections

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Thanks again to everyone for listening & replying.

I have sent my s-in-law copies of what has been said so that she can see that it's not just me that thinks this is all wrong.

She is married to my Brother who is still with her but he works full time & quite often gets called to work in the middle of the night so there's not a lot more he can do to help her.

Her father rings her constantly, shouting & swearing at the answer phone if she doesn't pick it up immediately.

If she is out he rings her mobile.

If he can't get through he rings my brother at work and pesters him.

The trouble is, when elderly parents ring you end up answering just in case this is the time that they really do need help.

She does actually say no more than she used to, which gives you some idea of what her life has been like so far.

I keep telling her that she will end up in hospital herself if this carries on. Or worse! I actually think a few days in hospital would do her good but she says 'they' won't cope without her. They being her Dad, her Husband & her 3 grown up children (who won't even speak to their grandfather let alone help her). Sadly, I think she is more concerned that they would cope without her. But that's another story.

Today she is going to learn how to give him that injection. She says she hasn't got a choice.

To put it bluntly, which I have done to try and make her see what this actually means, if she has to do his injection on, say, a Monday, then that is every single Monday written off for the rest of his life.
NO!
Dad needs a pendant alarm (via Social Services) so that if he is genuinely in need he can get help without calling her constantly.
Then she puts her answerphone on 24/7.
Stops answering ANY calls immediately without listening to the message first.
SHE is the one who calls the shots now, not him. Their roles are reversed, hers is to "parent" him, he's become an "elderly toddler". Not a name I like, but describes the situation well.
Valerie _19111 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:59 am
Thanks again to everyone for listening & replying.

I have sent my s-in-law copies of what has been said so that she can see that it's not just me that thinks this is all wrong.

She is married to my Brother who is still with her but he works full time & quite often gets called to work in the middle of the night so there's not a lot more he can do to help her.

Her father rings her constantly, shouting & swearing at the answer phone if she doesn't pick it up immediately.

If she is out he rings her mobile.

If he can't get through he rings my brother at work and pesters him.

The trouble is, when elderly parents ring you end up answering just in case this is the time that they really do need help.

She does actually say no more than she used to, which gives you some idea of what her life has been like so far.

I keep telling her that she will end up in hospital herself if this carries on. Or worse! I actually think a few days in hospital would do her good but she says 'they' won't cope without her. They being her Dad, her Husband & her 3 grown up children (who won't even speak to their grandfather let alone help her). Sadly, I think she is more concerned that they would cope without her. But that's another story.

Today she is going to learn how to give him that injection. She says she hasn't got a choice.

To put it bluntly, which I have done to try and make her see what this actually means, if she has to do his injection on, say, a Monday, then that is every single Monday written off for the rest of his life.
This is all wrong. You can buy a pendant clock online or in a shop and only let him use it when required. Would that work or not?
Hi again ,
I'm not sure what use a clock would be. Perhaps someone will explain.
My thoughts are that your SIL is is some kind of denial and 'martyr mode'. (Not any kind of professional opinion).
I wonder if you have shown your brother this thread? If he is working all day and reluctant to 'interfere' with his wife and her management of her father, (understandable) then perhaps he has not realised how bad it is getting or how badly it could affect his wife's health and their relationship. It's very difficult for a spouse to 'get between' their wife/husband and the perceived duty of care and responsibility they feel is necessary to a parent.
However sometimes a caring grown child needs 'permission' to stand back and give over care to professionals. Needs to reassess their own needs and loyalties. To re-juggle their priorities and responsibilities. To accept that they need and deserve life of their own. Not easy.
Have you talked to your brother?
Since it sounds as if the injections could be given at the hospital (although her father wouldn't like it!) could your s-i-l ask about patient transport so he could be taken there each time without her. (She might have to be pushy to organise it, but there is usually an official transport service for wheelchair users. With my husband I had to stress why he couldn't use a taxi. There are also local charities which provide drivers, but I think they may not accept someone who needs a wheelchair.)

I am concerned about the likelihood of him cancelling the cleaners'/carers' contract. However are you going to stop her doing all those jobs again if he does? (Sorry, that's just a new problem, not an answer!)
The district nurse team can visit and do injections, every day they deal with the diabetics who cannot inject themselves and change dressings etc.
In our area they work every day and night, 24 hour call out.
The hospital should have contacted the district nursing team or you can contact through the GP surgery.
I agree with Londonbound. They need to do one of the following in my opinion:
1 train the father to do the injections
2 district nurse/ gp does injections
3. arrange hospital/clinic transport there and back and hospital does injections.

They cannot expect a family member to do that, no matter how much they will try!
I wrote to mum's doctor saying that I would no longer be responsible for her healthcare. I was disabled and live 6 miles away from her. The surgery was 200 yards down the road from her home. If she needed to have an urgent urine test, then they should sort it out, NOT ME!

After all, if mum didn't have family living nearby, they would have to arrange something.
That is so true, Bowlingbun, that they would have to do it if he didn't have family.

Sadly, she has had too many years of conditioning towards being worthless other than being their 'slave'.

She has a notebook that she has been trying to write positive things in. A few months ago she told me she had written "remember, you are useless and do not deserve to be loved"

Just about broke my heart.

I know my Brother does love her, but he's not the kind of person to tell her that. He doesn't actually mentally abuse her or call her names or anything, he just doesn't treat her with the respect she deserves. Worse than that, he's allowed their children to grow up believing it is okay to behave like that to their Mum.

It wasn't like that at home, so I don't know where he's got that from.

Unfortunately, I think I may have pushed her too much over this at the moment because she has stopped answering my questions about the injections and what she is doing about getting someone else to do them.

I can only continue to be there for her right now and see if I can get her to see that she isn't and physically can't be, responsible for his health.

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply. It is very kind of you to take time from your own situations to offer support and ideas. Like I told her when I sent copies of the first replies to her - you are not alone, other people have got your back, they can see the situation more clearly than you can right now, and it can't continue.
Ultimately, there will be a "life changing moment", it's inevitable.