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Boyfriend is a carer - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Boyfriend is a carer

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
PS - I know I said that he will find comfort in having a wife and children of his own one day - but not at 18 please!!! Don't rush into this - have it 'for the future'!

Get educated first, and on a career/employment ladder, and firm foundation for finances (buying a flat, etc etc). Please don't 'end up' being too old too soon, with babies etc, and living off the state in a hand-to-mouth existence condemning you all to perpetual poverty and 'scraping along at the bottom of the pile'!!!!!!!!!!!!

Plus, your twenties are for having FUN! (Impossible to do with babies in tow!)
The ONLY WAY you two are ever going to have a life of your own is to move away. Sadly she is going to be like a sponge, always sucking up every bit of his energy, unless you two do something about it.

It will need a lot of strong will, planning, and organisation, but the first step must always be not making himself to be so available, for him to start saying "No".
H, although I think it's going to be extremely hard for your poor boyfriend to 'let go' of his mum, and to accept that he cannot help her (even if she deserves help, which I don't think she does, the way she's treating him), one thing may help him do so.

It's why I think he should join forums, or you join for him, for children of emotionally abusive parents, to help him get an understanding of what is going on here, and what his mother is doing to him, and why he is so 'driven' to try and help her.

The saddest, most heartbreaking thing about the children of abusive parents is how they can continue to strive and hope and pray and fret to be loved by them....they feel if THEY were 'better' or 'more loving' or whatever, THEN the parent would love them. It's desperately sad, but this simply does not happen. The abusive parent is fundamentally incapable of loving the child they are abusing - or they would not be abusing them in the first place.

Cruelty is always a very, very hard thing for 'non-cruel' people to understand. You look at the mother and think, HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO HER SON? It seems just incomprehensible that she could be so cruel and rejecting.

One of the ways we can get some 'handle' ourselves on why parents are cruel to their own children (or cruel to anyone), is to try and see WHY they are. Yes, maybe they are psychopaths (no hope at all for them!), but most may have been 'wounded themselves'. That is NOT to excuse them - after all, in this case, yes, one feels HUGE sympathy for a wife who has lost her husband and her daughter, but that loss and grief does NOT excuse her vile cruelty to her remaining child.

Yet 'something' must have produced this monstrous woman, made her monstrous in the first place. What made her so 'self-pitying' originally? Why does she think it is 'acceptable' to reject her son (and she clearly does think it's OK to do it, as she is doing it!). What made her so weak that she resorts to alcohol?

If your bf could undersand the 'why' of why his mother is the deeply damaged and damaging human being she is, or even if he can understand that she IS deeply damaged and damaging, then he can, I would so much hope, be able not to 'forgive' her (there can be no forgiveness without repentence) (and she is not likely to emerge from her orgy of self-pity and callousness), but at least to 'set her aside' from himself as much as possible emotionally.

He has had to 'lose' his father - he also has to accept he has 'lost' his mother - not to alcohol, but to her cruelty. For even without her addiction, she would still be a vile, despicable human being, and it is VERY hard for any of us to have parents we know are despicable.

What, though, is of paramount importance is that your bf is not 'tainted' by this woman, and of his 'hopeless love' for a mother who is incapable of it, for whatever reason in her flawed character. If HE is unhappy all his life, because she did not and cannot and will not love him, then her cruelty has 'won'. It is his determination to find happiness for himself, in his future (wife, children etc) that will defeat HER cruelty.

In the end, she has her own punishment for her cruelty to him - her own abject self-pitying misery and grief at the loss of the only two people she seems to have cared for.....and it is only fitting that she is being punished by her grief. She deserves it, for what she is doing to her son.