Borderline Personality Dissorder - How to cope?

[Gary Peters]

Hi all,

This is my first post so be gentle with me.

Ok my story is as follows:

In December 2012 I met a wonderful girl, we got on incredibly well straight away and I knew that i wanted to be with her, Pretty much from the off she told me that she had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the age of 14 (she is now 26) (this is now possibly being diagnosed as BPD) and basically gave me the option to "bail out", i knew that this was not an option for me as i liked her to much and felt we could have something special.

We have been seeing each other for 3 months and she is an amazing girl, for the first time in my life (i am 41) i have fallen totally in love, we have such a strong perfect relationship when things are good.

However, she has had to fairly major depressive episodes in the last 3 months, lasting a total of about 5 days, but to those of you who know BPD will know how low a person can go.

The thing is i feel like i have let her down (she also tells me this) as i did not realise until it was too late that she was spiralling down, the most recent episode which is actually at the moment she tried to hide she was feeling sad so i totally did not see it coming and now she is telling me she is having doubts about us because i have let her down and i should of realised how she was feeling, we have not really spoke for 3 days and its ripping me apart, i am trying to say and do the right things but i am not getting though.

The easy thing would be to say "sod it" and walk away, but i genuine love the girl and want to be the person she needs, not just during good times but during the bad too.

I dont know what i want from this forum if i am honest, i guess i just want to know what other people who "care" for sufferers do, how can i better myself and let my girlfriend know that i can be there for her when she needs me.

I hope the above makes sense, Thanks

[Myrtle]

Hi Gary and welcome
I've moved you to new members so that more people will see you and be able to respond.

[crocus]

Hi Gary and welcome to the forum
I dont care for someone with mental health issues, but there are a couple of things that occur to me about your post.
Firstly, it isnt a "now or never" thing. You have only been seeing her for 3 months, so there is plenty of time to see if you can cope. Caring is never easy though, so take things very slowly.
Secondly IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that that you didnt realise that she was going into a depressive phase. You havent known her long enough to pick up on the signs and she was also trying to hide it from you. You may also not have been able to prevent it anyway.
Take care xx

[bowlingbun]

Hi Gary, welcome to the forum, I hope we are always kind and gentle! I know several people connected with the family who have similar disorders, and the concept of somehow blaming others for events which they are most definitely not responsible for seems to be a common theme. When they are not well, they are very much self focussed. One of them is causing me huge problems at the moment! There are going to be times when your patience is going to be sorely tried in the future. Might I suggest that you learn as much as possible about this disorder, how it will affect you, as carer, the implications for you if you have a family together etc. etc. and then perhaps see a counsellor who can talk it through with you.

[Gary Peters]

Thanks for your responses,

Hi Crocus,

The reson why i do feel like i have let her down is when she explains how she was feeling and how she was it makes me wonder how i missed it, then i do feel like if its as obvious as she makes it sound then i have failed her.

I have read so much on bipolar and BPD and feel well armed to deal with things, but it getting her to talk to me and tell me what she needs from me at her lowest point.

I guess i have made hopefully the common mistake of not treating her low point with the respect and seriousness that it deserves, my ex was always in a downer/mood of some sort, everything was negative....not in the medical sense either, so i pretty much ignored it, or thought "she is just being moody" i was with her for a number of years so i guess a reactive habit was formed, its now i need to totally change that habit as its the complete oppisite situation, when my GF is down she is genuinely down, but i suppose my natural react is the one thats been inbuilt for the last few years.

I think i am just at the point of not knowing what to say, i have told her what i feel, how i intent to make amends now and in the future and that i need her to trust in me.

i am usually quite a mentally strong person, but this is taking its toll on my emotions.

I just want to do the right thing, and be there for her, but need her to see that lol.

[india77]

Hi Gary and welcome
Gary, you have not let anybody down, please don't think that. This is all very new to you at the moment.
Stick around on the forum, theres a lot of help and support here.
Take care,
India.x

[india77]

Sorry Gary we were posting at the same time!

[Gary Peters]

Hi India,

thank you for you words, You are right i have never had any connection to anyone with Bipolar or BPD and i always knew it would be hard, but at the moment she is basing the 0.5% negative situation against the 99.5% perfect so its defiantly a emotion tester lol x

[tracie]

Hi and welcome

I have borderline personality disorder all you can do is be there and try and look for the signs of her getting ill and act on them and get the right help and looking for this signs is not easy at all as you get to know her you will notice her mood patterns

[JJE]

Hi Gary and welcome xxx

My mum has BPD and I care for her full time. I know how trying and confusing it can be sometimes. The best you can do is be there for her, ask her how she's feeling and try and work through it the best way you know how. Tracie's right, observe her mood patterns in order to know what to do and when. There's a few books that can help, you can find them in Waterstones. They'll give you a basic outline on the disorder and signs to look for in your girlfriend.

I hope I've helped and we're here to help also x