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Being forced to put my mother in a home - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Being forced to put my mother in a home

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
thank you for the wonderful advice but their inaction is having a massive impact on my health, from asthma to drinking alcohol to cope, i have stressed this... today i had a doctors appointment however my mum was refusing to get out of bed ,she was seeing things and imagine that children would be left alone at home , so i rang the doctors to cancel, don't worry the GP will ring you ....no phone call...

I won't and cannot feel sorry for myself....as my late friend always said "there is always someone worse off than you " ...

and my local MP Stephen Metcalfe, his case worker informs me that's the best that can be done at this moment in time ..."what's the problem now ?"
Did you contact Social Services? I'm really concerned for you. Would you consider respite care for mum?
I think respite for my mum will be the excuse for her to give up, why you asked ? well she thinks i 'm her husband , nothing changes that...she begs to hold my hand and is crying a lot , I comfort her as much as I can , all i need is a regular break from her so i can simply jump on my bike and ride for 20 miles or so and it makes life once again cope-able...

thanks for your concern but i don't want the easy way , just a way that will makes life everyday once again something to look forward to...

I just want to show carers out there ,,, the situation can be very grim...
You may have to threaten to walk away from any involvement with your mum, which is, alas, the ultimate negotiating tactic. While the SS think they can 'rely' on you to do the caring, they won't be 'incentisivsed' to sort out her care themselves.

None of us has a legal 'duty of care' for our parents, but SS often like to try and get us to think we do.....(!)

All the very best in getting the support you and your mum obviously need.
I have been a carer for well over 30 years, in total I've had a caring role for nine different people, maximum five at a time. Soon afterwards I developed a life threatening illness requiring major surgery, and my husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack, although he was apparently fit and well. This is why I'm concerned for your health, you have been struggling. You need to push the right buttons to get what you need. That means getting Social Services to reinstate you current care package asap, and making sure they reassess your mum's needs asap. They should also update your Carers Assessment (assuming they did one previously?!). Since you are being put off at local level, ringing the Director of Social Services and speaking to his/her PA is the quickest way of achieving what you want. They will then ring the area office and kick them in the right direction. There's no point in being "nice" or patient, he who yells loudest usually gets to the front of the queue quickest. There is absolutely no doubt that should you get ill, residential care would be the only option left for mum.
Have you looked up the "Continuing Healthcare Checklist"? If mum qualified, then your care package and management would be the responsibility of the CHC team of the NHS. Nothing to do with SSD. You would have the choice of whether to have support at home, or in residential care.
However, you need to accept that if mum lives for a long time, and her dementia gets worse, however devoted you are to her, then residential care may be the only option left. It's a matter of what she NEEDS, not what you want. My mum passed away recently. She was so poorly in her last year that the only option left was a residential nursing home, something we had managed to avoid for many years. There are others here who have also made that hugely difficult decision. Try to avoid saying "I'll never put mum in a home". Think instead that "I'll try to care for mum as long as possible".

I agree with Bowlingbun. I was very against putting mum into a home. I did agree reluctantly to try respite and the way she coped amazed me. Sometimes our mums, even with dementia, know how to play us and push the right buttons. When I couldn't cope any longer, mum did go into a home but it was not necessarily a negative move. She got 24-hr care which, with the best will in the world, I could not provide. I still cared - I just did not do the physical part of caring any more.

I am not saying "put mum in a home" but don't rule it out ever. In fact, it is even worth visiting some homes to see what is available. If mum ever found herself in a crisis situation, you may have less than a week to find a suitable home. It can help if you have some ideas already even if you never need it.

Anne x
Do bear in mind, too, that one of the distinct upsides of residential care is that with someone else (ie, the care home staff) doing all the 'everyday' care (getting up, toileting, showering, feeding, laundry, etc etc etc) YOU are then freed up to actually spend 'quality time' with your mum. You are not distracted (exhausted!) by all the everyday care.

It's not uncommon to read on this forum that a previously stressed relationship with a mum or dad has improved enormously once they are in residential care, because then you only have the 'nice times' with them, not all the difficulty and work.

Also, depending of course on precise circumstances, you may find that having 'partial' residential care works well too. With my MIL ,in her previous care home near me, she came to me twice a week for sleepovers! It worked pretty well - she got to spend time with me, and because it was not every day, the 'care-burden' was far, far, far less on me, and it gave me enough of my own time back to take my stress levels way down. Even now, with her in a more 'dementia-care' home, further away from me, I still take her out for afternoon drives regularly, and I know she enjoys them.

Personally, I think that the idea of being something along the lines of 'a weekly boarder' could be a really good compromise between the all or nothing of either living at home, or 'for ever' in care. It may not work for everyone of course, either carer or caree, and may, for carees with dementia, cause too much confusion, but it is definitely worth considering. (Annoyingly, the care homes don't give you a refund for nights they are not there!!!!)

Finally, looking at it the other way around, regular respite might also be workable, in that if you knew that once a month you got a week 'off duty' and your mum comes to realise that respite care is not 'permanent' (ie, she comes out again!), that might take off a significant amount of the pressure, and let you become less stressed.
thank you for your kind comments and info...

I admit that one day i will have to let mum go however at the moment it 's manageable as long as I get a break on a weekly basis....

Now a txt today from the Dementia Crisis Team...

"hi Robin , it's Frances from the dementia team here. i wondered if it would be possible to arrange a time for me to visit you and mum ?"

I replied, Hi, why do you need to visit ? , Bearing in mind now I had no funding for over a month.

She Replied "I'm sorry to hear that Robin. I was wondering it it would be helpful for me to visit to check mum mental health."

I replied, Sorry but what about my mental Health ? struggling from day to day from getting some sleep to a little bit of time to myself...

She replied " I'm sorry Robin. it sounds awful for you "..

~Now i 'm angry, I replied, Is this the best you can say , no help
They really haven't got a clue how we struggle, Robin. When I pleaded for respite for my son, to no avail, I was punished for daring to complain. They secretly removed from the respite care list. ( I found out years later). Two years later, I ended up having 14 lots of antibiotics in a year, and was told in no uncertain terms that my son MUST become a boarder at school. So they didn't have enough money for my respite needs to keep it at home, but they had to pay for him at boarding school, which must have cost thousands.
if it's wasn't for my dog (Rascal) I would have seriously considered calling it a day now that my mum does not know my true identically. i have no life any-more, i 'm prisoner...

Your role as a carer is so belittled and unvalued... my thoughts are with you all , this country is a disgrace the way it treats those that care...