-
- Member
Sun Oct 23, 2016 1:51 pm
I am such a lightweight when compared to what other people are coping with - and a failure as a 'distance carer'.
I don't know where to start .... please excuse the ramble.
My widowed (grieving) 86 year old father had a stroke in May this year. He lives a two hour drive away. Initially, I stayed with him for about two months and since then I have spent two days a week with him, occasionally I haven't been due to illness.
At the time of the stroke, the prognosis was "poor", however he has recovered well, albeit with left sided weakness and worsened (unacknowledged by him) depression and anxiety. The specialists say he is at very high risk of having another stroke.
Currently he is independent in his home and can go out alone for short exercise walks, although he is weak and unsteady on his feet. He lives comfortably in a nice bungalow in a lovely area with fantastic neighbours and has no financial worries.
By way of background, prior to the stroke, he was not in good health, physically or mentally, having had major heart surgery in 2014 and then my mother died later that year. I supported both my parents throughout and prior to this time, my dear mother had been very ill with multiple health issues for years. It was still a massive shock when she died - it was sudden and violent, she had a heart attack right in front of my eyes at the hospice, my father was out of the room at the time. I am haunted that I couldn't "save" her.
I have one elder sister, she and her family have been estranged for nearly 14 years, the situation is irreconcilable. My father hankers after her and her large family. I am the "disappointment" daughter as I never had a fantastic career or children. Another story.
My father is a lifelong pessimist, in fact glass empty rather than half full. He can be a very negative, critical, angry man - although to the outside world, he can be charm personified. I guess we all have good and bad character traits. My relationship with him has never been good, we have always clashed terribly as I challenge him in a way that my mother never did. She spent her life calming (enabling?) him.
I have not worked or had an income for some years since my contract ended and then becoming involved with driving back and forth to help care for both of my parents. I also have health issues. This combination of events has put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband and on our finances.
Lately things have deteriorated with my father, too much to explain on here and I now actually feel nauseous at the thought of having to spend time with him weekly, be away from my home - and phone him every day. I am okay with the lone two hour drive each way, doing practical stuff, buying all the things he needs, sorting out admin, taking him to hospital appointments, shopping etc etc - however what I find so hard is to be in his company while we're sitting down and I have to listen to him go from one negative subject to another, to another - and there is always a tension between us that things can kick off. This must be as much my fault as his. I don't know how to grief counsel an elderly, sick man who refuses all offers of outside, professional help.
He sees my involvement as "we only have each other" and "payback" for being my father. I do acknowledge this, however I am not sure how I feel about this debt that I owe. These words swirl around my head: spoken by my mother a week before she died: "You have never been able to do anything right in his (my father's) eyes, from when you were a child".
My emotions constantly richochet from Resentment to Guilt.
I am depressed, ratty, weepy, menopausal and feel I am a useless wife and daughter and have intense feelings that I would like to run away - where to, I know not ...
I am not what my father needs. I can't cheer him up in a way that his (estranged) grandchildren and great-children would. Our relationship is toxic and unhealthy for both of us. I don't know how to make it better or establish boundaries and am **deeply ashamed** of myself that as a middle aged woman I am not able to sort this out. It's claustrophobic, intense, there are no other family members involved. My father has two elderly sisters he speaks to occasionally on the phone but never sees due to distance. The thought of the future fills me with all-consuming dread when I wake at 3am.
With thanks for reading if you have managed to make it to here.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I don't know where to start .... please excuse the ramble.
My widowed (grieving) 86 year old father had a stroke in May this year. He lives a two hour drive away. Initially, I stayed with him for about two months and since then I have spent two days a week with him, occasionally I haven't been due to illness.
At the time of the stroke, the prognosis was "poor", however he has recovered well, albeit with left sided weakness and worsened (unacknowledged by him) depression and anxiety. The specialists say he is at very high risk of having another stroke.
Currently he is independent in his home and can go out alone for short exercise walks, although he is weak and unsteady on his feet. He lives comfortably in a nice bungalow in a lovely area with fantastic neighbours and has no financial worries.
By way of background, prior to the stroke, he was not in good health, physically or mentally, having had major heart surgery in 2014 and then my mother died later that year. I supported both my parents throughout and prior to this time, my dear mother had been very ill with multiple health issues for years. It was still a massive shock when she died - it was sudden and violent, she had a heart attack right in front of my eyes at the hospice, my father was out of the room at the time. I am haunted that I couldn't "save" her.
I have one elder sister, she and her family have been estranged for nearly 14 years, the situation is irreconcilable. My father hankers after her and her large family. I am the "disappointment" daughter as I never had a fantastic career or children. Another story.
My father is a lifelong pessimist, in fact glass empty rather than half full. He can be a very negative, critical, angry man - although to the outside world, he can be charm personified. I guess we all have good and bad character traits. My relationship with him has never been good, we have always clashed terribly as I challenge him in a way that my mother never did. She spent her life calming (enabling?) him.
I have not worked or had an income for some years since my contract ended and then becoming involved with driving back and forth to help care for both of my parents. I also have health issues. This combination of events has put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband and on our finances.
Lately things have deteriorated with my father, too much to explain on here and I now actually feel nauseous at the thought of having to spend time with him weekly, be away from my home - and phone him every day. I am okay with the lone two hour drive each way, doing practical stuff, buying all the things he needs, sorting out admin, taking him to hospital appointments, shopping etc etc - however what I find so hard is to be in his company while we're sitting down and I have to listen to him go from one negative subject to another, to another - and there is always a tension between us that things can kick off. This must be as much my fault as his. I don't know how to grief counsel an elderly, sick man who refuses all offers of outside, professional help.
He sees my involvement as "we only have each other" and "payback" for being my father. I do acknowledge this, however I am not sure how I feel about this debt that I owe. These words swirl around my head: spoken by my mother a week before she died: "You have never been able to do anything right in his (my father's) eyes, from when you were a child".
My emotions constantly richochet from Resentment to Guilt.
I am depressed, ratty, weepy, menopausal and feel I am a useless wife and daughter and have intense feelings that I would like to run away - where to, I know not ...
I am not what my father needs. I can't cheer him up in a way that his (estranged) grandchildren and great-children would. Our relationship is toxic and unhealthy for both of us. I don't know how to make it better or establish boundaries and am **deeply ashamed** of myself that as a middle aged woman I am not able to sort this out. It's claustrophobic, intense, there are no other family members involved. My father has two elderly sisters he speaks to occasionally on the phone but never sees due to distance. The thought of the future fills me with all-consuming dread when I wake at 3am.
With thanks for reading if you have managed to make it to here.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.