Bad Day

[Nicola_2101123456]

Hi, I am new to this so please bear with me, looking to reach out and just vent and talk to people who hopefully understand.

My husband has suffered with mental health issues over the last 20 years, this has affected our family life hugely. He has struggled to keep a job any longer than 12 months which puts a strain on us financially as well as mentally. For 10 years of his life he ran his own business and has now become convinced that working for himself is the only answer and is looking to Buy another existing business by borrowing the money (something I am not very keen on).

I have two children, my daughter is the most amazing and fantastic person you could ever wish for, very supportive but the constant ups and downs are starting to affect her mental health. My son is also amazing but is currently being assessed for aspergers (slowed down by the fact he isn't in school now so they can do the assessments). As a result of his condition he struggles tremendously with his own emotions and at times proves to be a very difficult child. My husband struggles to deal with his outbursts and often ends up arguing with my son. As a result my son believes that his Dad hates him, My son can also be very violent with his outbursts and will unwillingly at times lash out, my husbands reaction this morning was to call the police, not something that I felt was needed as no-one was injured and my son was just having a meltdown which needed to be dealt with in a much calmer manner.

Being in lockdown at the moment is making life very hard, homeschooling is not proving to be very easy and trying to hold a job down working from home is also hard. It is putting a real strain on my own mental health.

My husbands mental health condition makes it very hard for all of us, in the heat of the moment he will blame everyone around him for his meltdown and has beliefs that he must be a very bad person. At times he has tried to take his own life, before Christmas at his latest job he had a bad episode and took an overdose on the premises. They were less than understanding and sacked him for it, but it was then I was put in contact with Worcestershire Carers association and they in turn suggested I look at this forum. Obviously I know there are no magic answers, just looking to talk to people who are maybe affected by the issues in a similar way.

Today has been a bad day and I need to vent.

[bowlingbun]

That sounds really tough.
Surely if he can't manage family life, running a business in this state is the recipe for total disaster? We ran our own business for 20 years, so I know the challenges.
It's going to put even more pressure on you, the very last thing you need, or you are going to have a breakdown too. Don't let him do it, you DO have a say in this.
If he has a loan, who is going to guarantee repayment - YOU!
In fact, if you have a shared bank account, I'd suggest separating it.

Do you live in your own home? Mortgage?
Do you have a dishwasher and tumble dryer?
Does your husband help with running the home while you are working, or is it all left to you?
Likewise, your son can help in small ways too.
My son has severe learning difficulties, but can still load the dishwasher, fill up the wood shed and things like that.

[Nicola_2101123456]

He does know my feelings about buying the business and has assured me that the way he will be borrowing the money does not require any guarantees and will not impact on our own house. I do not understand this but I do trust him with what he is saying. I just think like you say that if he can't manage his personal life he is going to struggle with this.

He does very little around the house, I am responsible for cooking, cleaning, washing up, doing the washing, managing the kids with the school work. His attitude is always that he is "working" when he is searching for new jobs or businesses which is why he doesn't do much. Today after the meltdown this morning he spent all afternoon asleep on the bed!

When my son is in a good mood he will do things to help, in fact on Saturday he said I needed a day off and was determined to wash up and make tea etc for the whole day. Didn't quite work out as planned but the willingness was there. My daughter is also fantastic and will do things to help when she can.

[bowlingbun]

You MUST know about his plans for raising the money!!!
No one gives money unless there is a repayment plan.
If he won't tell you be suspicious.

[Nicola_2101123456]

I didn't say that I didn't know his plans, I just said I didn't understand them

Anyway not looking for advise about him buying a business, looking for emotional support in relation to his mental health and my son's aspergers.

[bowlingbun]

I think you misunderstood my last post. This is a carers forum and I'm always on the side of the carer.

I am especially worried about people who are very stressed, because my husband died of a massive heart attack at the age of 58, and I'll always believe that was due to the stress of caring for his elderly disabled parents, our son with brain damage, as well as running a business.

You all sound stressed out, and unable to deal with any more stress, that's why I was concerned that starting a new business would create even more stress, especially as you said yourself that you were not keen on your husband borrowing any money. If it didn't worry you, it wouldn't have been mentioned.

If he ran a business before, why did it fold?
It sounds as though your husband and son have very similar temperaments, and are rubbing each other up the wrong way.

You don't seem to have any time off for yourself. Would a bit more help make things easier for you?
Your husband's full time research for a new business isn't helping the general running of the household. I he aware, or oblivious of the general household jobs? Even when a man comes home from work he should still put the dishes away, and do a few basic chores.
As yours isn't working at the moment, it's not unreasonable to ask.

What are most of the rows about? Have you tried saying "I'm not going to listen to this" and walking away?
How old is your son? Is school giving him much support at the moment?
Have you asked for him to be classed as "vulnerable" so that he can attend classes which would give him more structure, and a break for you?

[Melly1]

Hi Nichola,
Your life sounds very stressful. It must be very difficult juggling everything, keeping the peace and with potential money worries on top. Being cooped up under Lockdown really doesn't help.

Young Minds https://youngminds.org.uk might be of use to you and your son, also the National Autistic Society https://www.autism.org.uk.

Giving your husband information to read on Aspergers/autism might help him understand better; though if he is struggling with his own mental health, you might have to pick your timing carefully.

The lack of usual routine, spending time under the same roof and not having meaningful social interaction with folk outside the home intensifies things for all of us, but particularly those on the Spectrum (I realise he hasn't got a diagnosis yet.)

Are you all getting enough fresh air and exercise, it should help with stress levels and sleep.

Melly1

PS I'm sure it's illegal to sack someone for the reasons they did.

[bowlingbun]

Melly raises a very important issue, concerning your husband's dismissal. It might be worth ringing ACAS and talking to them about this, because the employer has a duty to make reasonable adjustments for your husband's illness. However, going to the Employment Tribunal (which my husband had to do) is also stressful.

[Nicola_2101123456]

Thank you, in relation to my husband helping he will walk the dogs but this is about the extent of his help. He will do things if I ask but not much proactively.

I have given him all the information about aspergers and in a calm moment he understands. However my son will easily get frustrated and then my husband becomes wound up and that is when things go wrong.

We are doing our best with fresh air, lack of routine is a big things though and no interaction with people outside the house. My son is nearly 13 and the school have not spoken to us at all. I have emailed them this morning and they were understanding. They said if they see him falling behind they will set up a plan. He really does not want to be seen as different and sent in to school.

In relation to my husband employment he went through appeal but to no avail and is thinking if he wants to take them to tribunal. He was only there for 6 weeks which may make a difference, not sure.

[bowlingbun]

Yes, that will make a difference, there used to be a minimum period of employment when you went to tribunal, a year I think. I studied Employment Law as part of my degree, but obviously lots has changed since then.