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Yet another newbie - Carers UK Forum

Yet another newbie

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello everyone.

I am 23 years old.

I met my now wife when I was 17 and we have lived together for just over 4 years.

Ever since she moved to London she has developed a severe anxiety disorder. At first it was pretty much agoraphobia (not quite but almost as limiting).

Her main problem is she cannot be separated from me. She depends on me 100% and while I am not doing her physical tasks (ie cleaning her etc) I am there for her in every possible way - basically holding her hand through life.

She receives DLA for her anxiety disorder and I receive the great caeres pay.

Her disorder has lead her to be scared of the most stupid and trivial things. Everything from going through tunnels on a train ('normal') to cooking and washing up - its all just too stressful for her.

She has come an awful long way. From been literally unable to let me out of her sight to going to college on her own and this September we hope to go to university.

Nowadays it is ok as long as she doesn't get on a bus alone (too scared) and she knows where I am, as long as its not too general an area (eg in our 1 bedroom flat at home is good enough)

Needless to say, I can't work.

The reason why I am posting is because since January she has had a massive sort of breakdown, where it feels like all the progress she has made over the last 4 years vanished. She even developed new fears, like the fear of been sick and believe it or not she became scared of sleeping in the bed, so we've spend the last few months on the sofa!

This was incredibly hard for both of us to deal with (not the sofa bit) but she is coming out of it.

However, I have taken it hard. I'm SURE all carers can relate, I desperately need somebody to help ME out. Everyone forgets about me and I'm ok with that normally but recently its just been so hard to deal with.

I do EVERYTHING around here.

I do ALL the housework because its 'too stressful' for her to do and since I've finished my college course and she has not it makes sense that I do everything, but sometimes it can really feel like she is taking advantage of me and I'm just her slave.

Today for example and what prompted me to post, we went to the park to have a picnic and we where playing a board game. We decided to play one more go (its only short) and then leave. I said "well lets have whoever looses does the washing up." Well that was that. I learnt that she developed this 'fear' of washing up and all of a sudden I was pushing her too hard.

This really wound me up, I didn't argue because I know I can't say anything really, but that really made me feel like I was just some doormat, someone who was there simply to please her.

I'm sorry, I'm going to stop now. I just really needed somewhere to just rant.
Welcome Murphy575

Not the greatest of days for you today - no wonder you needed to let off steam.
I have no knowledge of this level of anxiety disorder but it sounds as though you really are having to do everything, and it's bound to make you feel angry at the injustice of it all.
You mention you moved - do you have any family close by that can help you for a few hours once a week so you can have a break? Someone who you, and especially your partner, can trust to be a 'substitute' prop while you have a rest from the housework and everything else?

There is a specific forum for mental health conditions and the carers thereof, I am sure you will find support there, certainly many links and information that will help you.

It must be exhausting for you - I hope your day improves.

Best wishes
Thank you for replying and again I'm sorry to rant here!

Thank you also for pointing out the forum for mental health issues.

I always feel a bit bad though because I am fully aware that other people have it much worse. I mean for example I do not have any of the physical stuff to deal with and here I am ranting about doing all the house work, I seem very pathetic to be honest Image

She originated from Europe, we met on-line and then she moved to sunny England, so she has no family in England and my family suck but that's another issue! Anyway they all live too far away Image
Rant away Image
You're not being silly by ranting about the housework btw - I'm always doing it Image Image
But seriously - it's not the housework you're rebelling against anyway, that was just the final straw for you today purely because it WAS such a trivial thing.
The real anger is towards your whole situation and the lack of help out there for you, and believe me, everyone on this site is well and truly behind you - we all feel so helpless sometimes when we know what help is needed and the 'powers that be' that can change things for us refuse to hear when we cry out for help.
That's where CUK come in - a massive shoulder to cry on, and a central point for information whatever the carers/carees issues.
CUK can't wave a wand and solve problems instantly, but they can and do collect the info about what carers need and desire and campaign on our behalf.
It takes time to get anywhere as you will realise the more often you read the threads in here, but while people are working hard to try and improve the carers lot in the big wide world, you and me and all the others can come on here and know that we all truly understand what each and everyone of us is going through - we're your virtual family - so rant away and we'll be ok with it.

If it helps, I can 'virtually' do your washing up Image Image Image Image
Well this is an awfully nice welcome, thank you very much.

You are right, its not about doing all the washing up or even doing all the housework because if she is at college and I'm not, then it DOES make sense that I do everything, but I think recently its just all got so much to deal with so I would like her to be able to help me out, even something really small just anything.

I know she appreciates what I do but it can really feel like she doesn't and I'm sure many a carer will understand that.

On a side note:
I have an apology to make, who is the person responsible for validating new members?
pass - not had to apologise yet !!!

Try Matt (go to Forum Rules bit) - I'm sure he'll help Image
Hello and welcome to the forum Image
Hi Murphy and welcome to the forum Image

Like Nelliejo says this is a great place to let off steam and have a rant - we also have a laugh now and then, but that's another story Image
Hi Murphy and welcome,
I understand what you mean "but sometimes it can really feel like she is taking advantage of me and I'm just her slave", my daughter has slight OCD, but I know that she puts a lot of it on, she must think that I'm stupid or just arrived on a banana boat, a lot of things don't make sense, e.g: she stays in her bedroom because she says that she is scared of germs and put a cloth down anywhere that she sits, but then when out can sit perfectly normally on a train seat with loads of germs Image Image, I know that she is doing it and so does she, but if I confront her about it, she screams merry hell and upsets the wife, which makes her nerves bad, she has really thought it through Image, she always washes her hands but will not do it in front of anybody else as they will ask questions, because I look after my wife and gets a lot of attention, I think that she gets really jealous, a very skeeming person. One day I will find out the truth Image
Hi Murphy and welcome Image
we all rant about whatever seems that one thing too much, but it's the underlying situation we're really ranting about, not the washing up!
Any help you need (as long as you don't want me to wash up!), just holler, always someone around who'll know Image