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Another Newbie - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Another Newbie

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Thanks for info about will, useful to know. I think looking back to when I was 17, I was just grateful that someone loved me!! what do you know then? I had a horrible father & home life & was glad to escape, the very sad thing is, I was lovely, had a scholarship to very good school, which I left at 16, to the dismay of teachers, so I was a bit intelligent!! The comments are fine, but we were ok to begin with. I've been told twice recently that I'm too nice, but didn't know that was a bad thing, I do now. I try to please people, but at my age difficult habit to kick. Counselling good idea. I would however say to anyone considering marrying someone 30years older than them, Don't do it, Run.
To BB, Mum's savings are well below £23,000, so she will not have much choice in the nursing home I presume. Would it have to be in our county? or would it be best for her, just thinking I'd be trying to see her most days if she was close to me.
How much choice depends on where you live and how many vacancies there are. My mum was less than 2 miles away so I could pop in and out whenever I wanted. If you go to the Care Quality Commission website all the nursing homes are listed. They should all provide the same basic care.Once you have visited two or three, and made a few notes afterwards, you will have a good idea of what mu will or will not like. Make an appointment first time. Unannouncee second viewing around mealtime.
Linda, I'm relieved I didn't upset or offend you, as really, the only purpose of my post was to, I hope, indicate that decisions made at SUCH a young age, barely more than a child (and only a year older than the age of consent I would also point out!!!) should not be regarded as binding you for the rest of your life.

It's the reason that I think counselling would benefit you 'anyway', irrespective of what decision you make, so that you get a clear understanding not just of why you chose to marry at 17, to a man old enough to be your father (and your comments about escaping a horrible father cast a light on at least some of those potential reasons straight away!), and whether those reasons STILL APPLY.

We should never be 'chained' by the past for the rest of our life, or 'sleepwalk' into our futures, and counselling might help you decide whether you are at risk of that, or whether your decision to stick with your husband now is emotionally healthy after all. It certainly shows grit and character and determination, no doubt about that - but is it the 'right' thing to do? You mention that you thought being a 'nice' person was 'good', and that you try to 'please people' and these can send alarm bells! Women can be all too prone to those impulses, which may well not be emotionally healthy - especially if they are devoted to those who are NOT 'nice', etc. How much has your husband wanted to please YOU? (Hopefully he has!). Niceness and pleasing MUST be reciprocated in a relationship for it to be emotionally healthy and psychologically sound.

However, this is your life, not mine, and I should not impose my values on you. That said, 'setting them out' for you to consider - or firmly reject! - may be helpful in the decisions you are making now about your life, and your future.

I guess my fundamental position is that no spouse has a right to be (too) 'difficult' for their partner, and that 'walking on eggshells' if that is what you have done/are doing is OUT. We should NEVER 'walk on eggshells' around others! Never. Their 'displeasure' should NEVER influence OUR behaviour!
Hi Linda, I can't add much to the discussion, just wanted to say you are not alone, my husband is 30 years older too (he is nearly 80 I am 50) and we were together since I was 16 although only married 7 years ago. We love each other to bits really but the 'caring' stuff does get in the way (he had a stroke 10 years ago & lots of other medical issues inc. leukaemia, emphysema, diabetes & heart stuff) but I am pretty sure that is the same for 'normal' couples. I don't ever give a thought to our age gap any more. Lots of people used to comment on it but even that happens less now, obviously I am aging ! We married only for inheritance tax reasons otherwise would not have bothered - not that we are particularly rich, that piece of paper just means that when we have both died our inheritance tax allowance can be doubled up from £325,000 to £650,000. Also there is now an extra allowance over that if we leave our house to direct descendants which in our case means his daughter (who of course does absolutely nothing to help, lives abroad and parachutes in a couple of times a year to criticise everything I do, contradict everything I say and 'suggest' what could be done better ....then disappears off to her charmed life again ...... and am I bitter !?!?). Actually I get on OK with her and just bite my tongue. All I can say is hang on in there and do what you need to do. In our case his daughter gets a lump sum when he dies which is basically his half of our savings which is fine by me as I keep 'my' half of the savings and the house which is joint. I would not want to have a life interest hanging over me and his family waiting for me to die to get their inheritance, which is the most common alternative, I would rather hand over 'his' money at the time, whenever that be, and get on with my life.

All you carers will love this - 2 years ago, stepdaughter refused to go with her Dad to a doctors appointment in case she caught a cold in the waiting room !!! That was the first time I had ever asked her to do anything and I only arranged an appointment with the GP while she would be here because she was constantly 'suggesting' what I should have asked/done/demanded so I thought it would be good for her to be involved. I was livid at the time and she and her Dad both knew it but at least I now know her true colours for sure and know I can't expect any help from her, only her regular 'advice' which now goes in one ear and out of the other and does not stress me any more because I know she is not worth stressing about. I made a big joke of it with a couple of my carer friends and made myself feel better by changing my own Will to cut her out of 'my' half and I doubt we will have anything in common when her Dad is no longer here and I will not feel obliged to keep in touch with her or feel guilty if I 'move on' as they say. I guess I am just trying to say everybody has to deal with relationships in their own way. Good luck with your situation.
Do you think your stepdaughter thinks - 'Well, she wanted a husband 30 years older than her (same age as me???????), so now she can cope with the implications of such an age gap, ie, having to be his carer in his old age'....

I can't help thinking it must have been difficult for her to have to cope with having a stepmother who must be closer to her age than to her father's? A parent remarrying is always tricky for children to cope with. In the end though, if she can accept you make her dad happy (and if she thinks he deserves to be happy of course)(not always a given!), then that should be the ultimate justification for her dad's remarriage.

It sounds like you and your husband have done the sensible thing in sorting out the inheritance issue, which can really bedevil second marriages. As you say, it should prevent any 'arguments' etc when the time comes.
Oh yes I am sure there is a lot of that and I do understand it. I understand it from both sides in fact as my father was married 4 times to increasingly younger women - it must be a family thing. At one time I had a stepmother and a stepdaughter who were both within 2 years of my age. But I still helped with my Dad's care as much as I could until he passed away. I think it's much more about personality than age..
Hi Katherine
You seem to have head screwed on and sense of humour, yay!
I learned from a Will expert that if it seems likely one spouse might be needing residential care at some point then the other spouse should change their Will so that the potential resident doesn't inherit. Lots of couples start with mirror wills where each inherits but once care is on the horizon this should change. This means should you predecease hubby (the proverbial bus for example) then your money could goto someone of your choosing rather than potentially being swallowed up in residential fees if it were to go to hubby.
And in your case it doesn't seem like stepdaughter would step into the caring role.
I'm not saying hubby will need care, or that you will predecease but it's a scenario people often overlook. It's not depriving care home as it not husband's money, its yours.
Hope this helps. You may have it covered already
Gosh, Katherine, well, I take my hat off to you! It's hard for me to comment 'politely' on a man who marries so often, and to increasingly younger wives except to say as kindly as I can that he must definitely have 'issues' with his role as a man and how he sees male relationships with women (in a not very emotionally profound way...)

It's interesting you say 'it runs in the family' - certainly it's 'normalised' it for you, and perhaps that is YOUR necessary 'coping mechanism. (My mum had mental illness, and it has made me 'unscared' of it, which I know is MY 'coping mechanism'.!)

Perhaps your dad was just one of those 'serial charmers' who, without any underlying pathology (ie, he wasn't a controlling charmer!), simply was a 'boy who never grew up' - I've met at least one of those in my time, a serial womaniser, but 'we all forgave him' because he was a genuinely nice person and far from 'exploiting and abusing' the women he had passing flings with, it was more about 'giving them a good time' and even 'being very generous of himself' with them!!!! All his exes got on ver well with each other, and if anyone could have coped with having a harem it would have been him!!! So, I guess it takes all sorts, and providing people are 'nice' then, that is, after all, what really counts. Which rather contradicts my opening paragraph.

Sorry, I've digressed totally....
Nice to know someone else with very similar age difference to their husband Katherine, I think the last 5 years or so have been when I've felt the age difference the most. We farmed for a long time together & always worked really well together & when husband retired wasn't the same. Now I feel like a carer, not a wife at all. I have 3 stepchildren, 2 older than me & 1 younger, I think they are lucky because if their father was living with a wife his own age they would have to help out. As it is they don't have to, I also care for my Mum now, who is in a wheelchair, and living with me & husband , my 3 brothers just leave me to get on with that too. By the way I'm making sure my will leaves all my money to charities. My husband in his will leaves 25% each to his 3 kids and me ,which is fine, but they are not getting my share as well !! Good luck to you although you seem to have love as well, that has gone for me but I will always care for my husband.
MrsAverage wrote:
Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:14 am
I learned from a Will expert that if it seems likely one spouse might be needing residential care at some point then the other spouse should change their Will so that the potential resident doesn't inherit.
Yes you are quite right (I used to be an estate planner) and like Linda most of my money is going to charities now since the episode with stepdaughter.

Linda I am sorry you say your love has gone, I have been through phases of that too but at the moment things seem a lot better, I don't know why particularly, maybe sometime things will improve for you - I hope so. I think for us it is lack of sleep that affects us both as sometimes husband does not sleep a wink for several days on the trot and then we both get REALLY grumpy. At the moment he is sleeping about 20 hours a day so I can relax a bit (eg look at this forum)and it helps . You must have a terrible time with both your Mum & husband to look after. It's all very well when people say you should make/tell other family members help but I know as well as you do that is just not going to happen. Good luck with it all xx

And Jenny, yes, everybody loved my Dad despite his peculiarities !