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Anger and guilt - Carers UK Forum

Anger and guilt

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I am new to this site, only found it today.

I care for my elderly mother, and have been doing so for about two years, the last six months I have been doing it full time, before that I worked full time as well.

I just wanted to ask everyone, what shall I do? I am turning into a monster, irritable, snappy, bossy and impatient, the worst person in the world to be a carer. Yet, I love my mum to bits, I really do, and think I do a good job of looking after her, if I could just get rid of this awful anger in my chest all the time.

My husband and I moved to her house to be with her, about four years ago. He is my rock, so patient and dependable, and he works all day.

I feel that everything I do is wrong, and that I just can't get it right. She gets that look, that tells me I have got it wrong again, and whatever meal I put in front of her, even if she has requested it, there is that sigh, and disappointed look, and yes, I have got some part, somewhere of it wrong.

As I said, I really do love her, and hate to argue so much, how do we get back to the close friendship we used to have, and get away from the bickering?

Sorry to start off as a whinger!!!
Welcome! I love the name and please don't worry about starting as a whinger - that's exactly why we're here. Please feel free to rant, rave, whinge to your heart's content.

I'm sure many people will identify with what you've said. Sounds like a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you have made so many sacrifices and are working so hard.

Do you think this disapproval from your mother and you feeling like nothing you do is right, is that something that has happened since you started caring for her, or something that always there in the background of your relationship? The reason I ask is that caring is sometimes like holding up a magnifying glass to a relationship - so tensions that were always there will get bigger. (the positive side of that is that sometimes love and bonds can also get deeper)

Not sure if it's any help but we have some information here
http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... resentment

Have a look round the website, there's also information on breaks and other care, that might help the situation.
Best wishes
Matt
Hi Bossyboots and you are not a whinger.
Have a look around the forum and the site, lots of helpful information and anything you want to know, just ask......someone will know.
I care for my Mum and she has never approved of anything I have done so I know all about 'those looks'

Whinge all you like we all do it and telling friends on here helps as we are all ikn the same boat!
hello and welcome
I care for my Mum and she has never approved of anything I have done
Oh boy...do I identify with that!! Image

Linda
Hello Bossy,,, we have all been there what you are going through,,, all I can say is come in here now and again and cheer yourself up xxx
Hi Bossy Boots, Just to say welcome and we do understand here exactly what you mean. I don't think there is an easy answer but this forum helps to have a rant!! I often wish I could be nicer to my mother, and stop snapping. Before caring, I think I used to be nice. In many ways, I was a different person altogether. Anyway, deep breath, I have just been accused of folding the towels "in the wrong way". I do understand why she is critical, I think sometimes it is frustration because she can no longer do the job herself but that doesn't make it any easier.
I thought I had replied to this post but my PC must have gone on the blink before I hit *submit*.

My wife would be able to relate very much to bossy boots' scenario.

My principal reason fro joining this forum was to see if I could link up withanyone who is in the same position as my wife.

I wonder if anyone of you would be willing to send me a Personal Message so that I can reply and ask a question?

It seems to me that posts cane easily get lost at the bottom of these threads.

Best wishes,
Ralph
thanks to you all for your kind words. Particularly the reference to folding the towel the wrong way, been there, done that, got the teeshirt!!!

I didn't appreciate how much a site like this can help. There seems to be so many of us in the same position, all of us totally normal, trying to do our very best.

What makes it all worse is how guilty I feel at having this anger, I really do love my mum. I want to do the very best for her, and in the back of my mind I constantly worry how lost I would be if anything was to happen to her. I keep giving myself good talking to, to pull myself together, make the best of every minute I have with her etc. etc.

We are taking her on holiday this week, hopefully will do us all good.

Catch you all later Image