Alone and caring for my Dad

[chrisg 33]

Hi Everyone.
I know a lot of you are in the same position and I know how you feel. I cant really describe it well but have written a little rhyme which may also ring true with many people on here who are caring alone for a relative without help from other family members.

You are you and I am me.
We both are living where we long to be
Our lives were good and trouble free
But now when problems surprise
With loved ones near and old to your eyes
I cannot count on help to arise
For you are far and long to be
Unaccountable and trouble free
If I were you and you were me
I would help your life be burden free
But you are you and I am me
So unaided I continue to be.
One day when you are not problem free
I will be gone and you will see
That you could have helped by visiting me.
I can’t stop the pain that will be in your eye
When you were not there for the last goodbye.

[caj9]

Thank you Christine.
I can relate to your rhyme, rings true.

Very moving.

Take care

[Melly1]

Sadly there are many in the same position as you.

Melly1

[Violet]

Yes I can relate to this - thank you Christine xx

[Busymiss]

Hello Christine, Welcome, I look after my dad too. He had a stroke 3 years ago. Your poem is very poignant. We are very good now at muddling along, waiting for the next event/drama to unfold. Usually on a daily basis. I work full time, and seem to be very adept at juggling on my todd. I am lucky I have a good understanding employer. I haven't put a full week in since I went back in Jan after the new year, and there doesn't seem to be any let up with one thing and another. My sis lives 200 miles away and comes up when she can. I look forward to her coming up. I disappear for the weends when she is here. xx
Everyone is lovely on here, always have wise words and good advice. Someone will always have an answer. xxx

Regards. xx

[Martij]

Hi Christine

I am new too love your poem says so much. I care for my Mum with moderate Alzheimer's alone so can relate. My life sounds like some if the other posters I work full time and have a very understanding employer my days are usually impacted upon by the drama's that caring brings thanks for sharing sometimes I cope but sometimes feel overwhelmed when the problems are relentless ....

[chrisg 33]

Thanks for your kind replies.
I am probably luckier in many respects than many people here. I am looking after my Dad but most of his health problems are due to his arthritis (which makes him fall often) and his aortic stenosis which means he gets short of breath and is unable to walk without a frame. As he has recently fallen and broken several ribs - I am looking after him virtually 24/7. Anyways - thanks for your support! it is always nice to know other people are in the same boat. I love him very much and that does compensate for anything I am going through.

I also want to ask though - it is actually bad enough that we have to deal with these things alone - but - do other people have siblings/family that pass on the blame for their careees ill health? When my mum died - my siblings (who live in the US and barely visit once a year ) blamed me for this (she died of pneumonia and I had tried to look after her too) and now - when anything happens to my Dad - they accuse me of not looking after him properly. Would be nice to know I am not alone with this too!!!

Thanks for any help!! xxx

[crocus]

There are loads of us who have to deal with criticism from family members - usually it the family member who has least to do with the caree
There is a board nick-name - helicopters - for family members who swoop in, create a load of havoc and then take off again. I know your family doesnt actually do this, but I suspect that they would if they could.
Anyway - if they start criticising again, tell them that if they are unhappy with what you are doing it then you would be quite willing to let them have a go.......

[Busymiss]

Hi Christine, What a situation eh? from my point of view...how outrageous your siblings sholuld think like this! It saddens me deeply,that they would think like this! How on earth can it be your fault your dad has arthritis? It isn't your fault your mum developed Pneumonia! I am appalled! seems to me like your siblings are passing their "guilt, of not being able able to support you on to you! Well done you for dealing what you have had to put up with. I am sorry you feel like you are on your own! xx crocus is absolutely right! xx

[chrisg 33]

Thanks to all of you that have replied. I will look up the helicopters board!! I really hope that you guys dont have to put up with getting the blame for your parents ill health from your siblings!!

I will take all your suggestions on board. Really at the moment I just don't want to have contact with my siblings (in the US). Let alone having their help. On top of this is the interrogation stating " why is Dad ill - why haven't you looked after him properly"

Is this really the norm for us carers ?
Thanks so much for your support! xxx