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Adult daughter with mental health issue - Carers UK Forum

Adult daughter with mental health issue

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Note: I have split these posts from Amanda's thread re Adult son with mental health issue, Catherine is replying to Amanda, but there is so much info here from Catherine, it serves as an introductory post.
Melly1 moderator

I have just realised although not officially a carer - I have been for years really with no advice, support etc from anywhere!

This post and the replies have helped me to realise I'm not an awful person, but enough is enough!

I have a daughter who is now 39 who has effectively 'run my life' although never realised it! A bit of a problem child, a loner in some ways, but then when made friends it had to be on her terms and her way and thinking back that it how it's been since! Left home at 16, came back, left home again, came back, left home again and only came back as her stepfather talked me into allowing her to albeit there was a stipulation that she went to council to find a place of her own, She moved out again and we helped again decorating, furnishing etc etc not sure what happened but she suddenly disappeared for 8 years! Then I saw her a couple of times on shop security but she looked through me and didn't speak! So carried on regardless used to her not being in my life and then passed her in the street early one Saturday and she ignored me and I turned round and asked if she was ever going to speak to me again? Ended going for a coffee and gradually over the course of year or so started breaking down the brick wall and she was back in our lives accepting the support, mentally and financially etc - I don't want eternal gratefulness just a bit of respect! She made herself bankrupt to clear her debts, of which there were many - although never her fault!

5 years ago all the benefit systems changed, on benefits as she told me she had developed IBS, Epilepsy, depression, anxiety etc etc and was being treated for it, although to this day I am not aware of a confirmed diagnosis of all any...........Anyway she would not be getting enough benefit to stay where she was, no room at my old house, so my hubby, her stepfather, suggested moving house, which we did converting the garage to a bedroom with en-suite shower room and toliet and she came to live with us. What a mistake! I have never thrown it back in my husband's face that it was his decision along with him allowing her to have a dog (this was after the death of hamsters, guinea pigs and a rabbit)! She kept on and on about it and gradually wore us down - but now I realise this is what she does. She started a little home business selling jewellery, and then started making it too, mother helped again with selling parties at friends etc, more tools, drills etc into the house and then suddenly diversified and 'lost interest' and went to coins, buying, selling making into pendants, rings etc, and then Etsy shop to sell her products and buying in brass and anything really! On my God it just goes on.....And all the time we allowed all of this from OUR house, she treated us poorly probably 75/80% of the time with her attitude, moods, manipulative and aggressive nature etc

Amanda I can understand and it has come to the point of we cannot carry on like this, following an argument in which she said some particularly awful things, I was there, between her and her stepfather on Friday when he told her she needs to pack a bag and go, albeit she is being given time to sort somewhere to go she has not as she puts in 'been chucked out' and me her mother is doing nothing to stop it happening. I am not prepared to upset my marriage to a man who has been loving, kind and supportive for 25+ years for her, it's very hard but my eyes have been opened, not to say my I am not upset, sad etc.but enough is enough, especially now she is playing mind games and telling me she has a suicide letter......she hasn't done it yet though!

I have spoken to the doctor today and he wants to see me, to ensure I am OK, but he said that he will say the same to me as he did to my daughter on Friday - you have to do what is best for yourself and your health! He added that she is very capable of doing things for herself and I have probably mollycoddled her without even realising it, due to her manipulative ways.

There is lots more to read between the lines, but it was lovely to know that I am not on my own in this and the fact that my daughter has been 'playing me' has come to a head. Not going back now, it's going to be tough and may take a little time but she has to go from our lives so we can get back to enjoy our future together and protect our own health - hubby had a heart attack last November casued by stress - I wonder why! I'm 61 and still work 3 days a week and hubby 64 and semi-retired we have worked all our lives and we could not have done more for her because we felt it was the right thing to do, the moving house to safeguard her future - she's taking over!

I feel better for writing most of it down.............
Catherine - two REALLY irritating sayings I've come across in my time: (Trouble is, they are also true!!!!)

(1) No good deed goes unpunished

(2) You get the behaviour you put up with

Personally (even taking into allowance my necessary caution about the ability/inability of someone with MH to even notice the existence of other people with their own 'entitlement' to not be treated like garbage!), I think your daughter exemplifies the truth of both of them???

It's SO hard to teach our children 'responsibility', hard enough when they don't have 'other issues', let alone when they do.

BB here usually reminds us that we are each responsible for our OWN happiness, and maybe that is the simplest rule of all????

PS - if your daughter refuses to move out, could you just sell the house and downsize for a nice peaceful easy retirement??!!!
thanks for your comments - you are right we make out own happiness.

Yet again making allowances - we are getting her to speak to all the correct people and to get assistance and not just 'chucking her out'.

We are going to sell the house anyway at some point so if it goes on too long it will be sooner rather than later in any event and it will be a luxury retirement apartment for 2 with an age limitation!
Been to doctor and he wants me to go for councelling to give me the chance to speak to someone independent! I don't know....I don't feel the need at the moment anyway......I'm upset and sad that it has come to this and a bit weepy, but less as the days pass... Doctor agrees that she needs to go as his concern is for our heath too! He will support and sign her questionnaire advising that supported housing would be best option...….based on her medical factors.

She has completed housing application, medical questionnaire and is waiting for an appointment for psych assessment etc at MH place which all takes time. I know the medical assessment with council takes 12 weeks alone!

After further 'discussion' I think the penny has dropped that we are not going to change our minds. Meanwhile, have to make best of the situation, she is in the main staying in her room............but feel that things are 'hanging in the balance' with the hope that there are no more outbursts! Stressfull Lvivng! We have a timeline in mind which will obviously decrease if there are any further instances..........but at least there is a glimmer of light at the end of what is going to be a long and troublesome tunnel !

Thanks for comments, it has helped me to 'pour it out'..........
Please note, this is an old thread and the original posters have not posted since 2018

This is post is unfortunately attracting spam, I am therefore locking it.

Melly1 moderator