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Advice on a bariatric bed pan for the big job - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Advice on a bariatric bed pan for the big job

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
bowlingbun wrote:Yes, if mum has over about £23,000 she will have to pay for all her care, unless she has any money in a joint account with you, in which case only half counts. If she has just over that amount, she can't give you a few thousand to get below it, that's classed as "deprivation of capital" BUT she can use it to pay you the going rate of £10-£15 an hour, and on anything the house needs.

I cannot express how grateful I am for your advice. I am in the dark coping with all sorts of stresses and money stresses do not help. Thank you so very much.
If you have money worries
Is mum claiming Attendance Allowance (no financial assessment)
Are you claiming Carers Allowance?
Are you eligible for Employment Support Allowance (no requirement to work if you are on Carers Allowance).

Carers UK has a brilliant helpline for this sort of issue, they are the experts, and can go through both yours and mum's finances to help you find the best possible solution for your own unique situation.

Does mum have a hospital bed to make it easier to nurse her? These are available through the NHS or Social Services, no charge.
Indira, this is a wonderful forum not just for 'practical' things (like bedpans!) or financial things, like allowances and so on, but for all the 'under the radar' aspects of caring.

All the emotions that caring evokes, that can be a huge, complex mix (often a mess!) of what can be conflicting feelings, can swirl around us like a tsunami, and can threaten to overwhelm us. They can sometimes even break us. Sometimes the emotions of caring are worse than the practicalities and financial aspects.

The conflict can be very, very hard to hand. We can love those we care for, yet long form the not to need our care. Difficult emotions like 'anger' or 'frustration' or 'resentment' can seethe away, and the most difficult one of all is 'guilt'.

We talk about The Guilt Monster here, because it pounces when we feel that although we love the person we care for, although we are immensely sorry for their predicament, we also feel 'guilty' that we do not do yet more, or that we long to have to do less.

Families can add to the complications. We have terms here like 'helicopter siblings' - the ones that do not do anything about the 'day-after-day-after-day' care of our parents, yet like to swan in (like a helicopter), land briefly, tell us in their wisdom what we SHOUDL be doing what mum or dad 'wants and needs' and then they blithely take off again and zoom back to their comfortable, easy lives.

'Society' also can create difficulties. We live in a country where families tend not to be that large, anyway, irrespective of helicotpers, where 'outwardly' we have this vision of elderly folk being cheerful, kindly, wise old souls, who bravely bear the ills of their infirmity and old age, and who will be apple cheeked and loving, etc etc.

And so, so often it isn't like that at all! The elderly can be difficult, demanding, crotchety, uncooperative, ungrateful, unappreciative and blithely unaware of what we do for them - and just want us to do more! (Not all are like that, and not always, but it can happen, it can happen!)

Within particular 'mini-societies' too, and our circle of friends, we can experience pressure to 'do more'. Helpful friends and aqcquaintences say things like 'Oh, I'd NEVER put MY mother in a home!' or 'Being cared for at home is MUCH better' or 'it's a daughter's duty to look after her parents when they get older' (etc etc etc).

Which brings me to another saying we say here on the forum:

'Don't judge me till you've walked a mile in my shoes'. Could YOU do what I'm doing?????

So, out of all of this, please do feel entirely free to what we call 'venting' here - just setting out frustrations and fears, difficulties and 'disasters'. We are all wearing the Carer T-shirt in different ways, and you will always find a sympathetic ear here, and hopefully some 'handy hints' as to how to deal better with the situation you face, whether that is financial, practical or, as I say, sometimes most difficult of all, emotion.

Wishing you as well as possible in what can only be a very difficult situation for you and your mum, Jenny

That shuts a lot of critics up!
Whoops - that final line should have been after the 'Walk in my shoes for a bit!' comment!
jenny lucas wrote:Whoops - that final line should have been after the 'Walk in my shoes for a bit!' comment!

Yes, you are absolutely right about everything. I know for sure that I get irritable when I am tired. I do not know how I did the first 10 days without help or equipment. We did not even know that mum's leg was fractured in several places. Only told a week later. Everything is a blur. Doing 24 hours shifts night after night is way too much. Feeling guilty I cannot do it all is another. Such conflicting emotions. My own daughters needing help and attention. Trying to balance everyone and everything. As a carer you are treated like you are not good enough. Anyway onwards and upwards. Thank you Jenny for your kindness. You absolutely hit every nail on the head.
Hello Indira,
Another very true saying on this forum, is, " You are important too!" You are, and must consider yourself. You won't be any support to anyone if you become ill. I'm still struggling with that, but am much further forward now, and with the guilt monster.
Indira,
The more I read about your situation, the more I feel that somehow you and your mum have slipped through the net, and my alarm bells are ringing.

Can you explain exactly what happened after mum had the fall which seems to have started all these problems?
Was the ambulance called?
Was she taken to hospital immediately?
Was she admitted to hospital at all?
At what stages were the fractures discovered?
If she has fractures, is she in plaster?
If not, why not?
No, you can't do 24hour shifts night after night! Can't be done. No human could do it!

You say your mum doesn't want a financial assessment done which would determined whether, and how much, 'free' care she might be entitled to form the council, but can I ask, please, whether, in principal, your mother would be glad if you got help from care-workers coming in to do some of the care for her?

I would be very concerned if she expects you to do it all.

Sadly, though, it would not be unusual. It's very common for parents to not want 'strangers' in to do anything, but are more than happy for their family to do 'everything'. Hope that's not so with your mum.
Pet66 wrote:Hello Indira,
Another very true saying on this forum, is, " You are important too!" You are, and must consider yourself. You won't be any support to anyone if you become ill. I'm still struggling with that, but am much further forward now, and with the guilt monster.

Yes, you are so right, but it is so very difficult to yourself in the picture. It is always easier said than done. Considering yourself comes across as being selfish. So much conflict.
Indira, if you feel able to answer my questions, it will be possible to pinpoint where things went wrong. Only then is it possible to work out who should have arranged a proper care plan for mum at home.