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A brief background... - Carers UK Forum

A brief background...

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Mum is a widow of more than 20yrs who relied on Dad for everything, more because she was happy to have it that way than anything sinister :) She developed Type2 Diabetes around the turn of the century but has kept it under control, & Alzheimer's diagnosed about two years.

I have an older married sister who lives locally as do two of their three 'children', who may as well be complete strangers for the contact any of them have with Mum or us. It's always been like that so no real surprise; she wouldn't just sit with Mum for an hour or so when one of my Brood was unexpectedly admitted to hospital recently or had several funerals I would have liked to have attended.

In contrast my Brood of three adore their surviving grandparent & are incredibly supportive of both their Nan & myself, & I am eternally grateful for their understanding.

I get all sorts of tired as I'm sure do you, trying very hard to live in Mum's Reality whilst telling myself it's not directly aimed at me but her illness causing the confusion.

Thank you for popping by, & I look forward to catching up with you all before too long x
Hi Cynthia and a warm welcome to the forum. Sadly your situation seems to happen all too often, where one family member takes on the role of carer and others sit by and won't help at all. It sounds like you have wonderful supportive children.
Hi Cynthia, welcome to the forum. Can I ask how old is mum? Does she own her own house, or is it rented? I am 64, with a 37 son with learning difficulties who lives with me part time - alternate weekends and Christmas, Easter etc. As I get older and have some health issues of my own, tiredness is one of my biggest challenges. When, if ever, did mum last have a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment. Have you claimed Attendance Allowance for mum, Carers Allowance for yourself, if you are under pension age, and exemption from Council tax for mum on the grounds of Severe Mental Impairment?
Ooooh...tell me more about the council tax exemption; I haven't heard about that :shock:

She has the single person occupancy thingie, Attendance & Carers Allowances & gets the extras for being over 80 (92 this past October so doing really well in the great scheme of things :D ) & owns her own home.

My Brood are - sadly - no strangers to the School of Hard Knocks :unsure: Two are dyslexic, two have anxiety on their anxiety (probably related in part, to their IBS), one has multiple damaged spinal discs playing havoc on all kinds of nerves causing all sorts of medical issues & one was finally diagnosed with Aspberghers eighteen months ago. Their father walked years ago; I wanted them to form their own opinions of his character so access was never denied, & it seems The Brood's feelings are not that dissimilar to my own.
They grieve for the two grandparents & a beloved uncle (taken far too soon) they knew, & have a wonderful acceptance of the grandfather who passed when my eldest was just three weeks old.

So we have a fair few coping strategies bolstering our family network which, I think, will help us manage those times yet to come.
Hi and welcome. :) ;)
Best place for all financial/benefits advice is via the main website or by phoning or emailing the advice line staff. Will copy paste details for you in a minute (if my phone doesn't ring yet again!!!).
Alternatively the local authority should be able to give you advice re council tax in her particular circumstances. Worth a quick call in case she is entitled to more help.
Or work your way through the tabs above and round the website....loads of general useful info plus sections on benefits and local authority council tax exemptions, etc etc.

See you another time.
Hmm, this might seem a bit venal, but I do hope that your mum's will does NOT leave everything equally between you and your older sister!

From what you say your older sister does NOT deserve to inherit equally with you!!!!

Time and time again on this forum we read of siblings one of whom does 'everything' and the other 'zilch' (or massively less - often simply to swan in, criticise what the caring sibling is doing, then swan off again feeling virtuous!!!!!)

My views are that if YOU are doing all the caring, then YOU deserve the lion's share of whatever is left! OR you should be paid by your mum while you are alive, in order to deplete the estate, and ensure you get your 'fair share'!

I know this sounds venal, but really, when the time comes for your mum's estate to be apportioned, it really is not fair if you did so much for her, and her older daughter zilch.

Why does your sister do nothing, by the way? Does she actually have 'good cause' (eg, she has to care for her children with special needs or something?), or is it just a case of CBA.....????
Hi Cynthia,

There is info on council tax here https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ate-relief

Melly1
The key words are Ëxemption" and "Severe Mental Impairment". I googled this and came up with the ".gov" website. I hadn't realised until tonight that it MAY be possible for it to be backdated to 1993 if you met the criteria on that date. Usually, councils refuse backdate things very far.
Wow! Thank you for the links & things; I'll investigate those soon as...

My sister ... Mmm e-y-e sss-issss-taaa...

About a year in to her marriage, I began to notice a change. We've never been close-close (not for the want of trying on my part) & we used to think it was her husband's influence. It has become blindingly obvious that he is not the total reason for her preferred interest in her in-laws, & her frightening energy to keep up with - or ultimately out-do - the Jones.

She displayed her interest in us while Dad had six weeks in hospital. Her children were close to their twenties, mine still at junior school; she worked 25hrs & I did 17.5; my brother-in-law worked shifts & is very able around the home - cooking, laundry, grocery shop, etc - & we were still adjusting to one-parent family situations; but bless her, she doesn't like hospitals. Awww...how awful for her!

My Brood loved visiting their grandparents (we kept usual contact with my mother-in-law because it wasn't her fault she had a snake-heart for a son) while my sister would only turn up when they wanted something. They decided way, way back which pieces they want when it comes time to sort out the family home. My Brood give them very short shrift, being polite for Nan's sake, whilst planning plans quietly in the background :whistle:
They know my feelings but would rather take everything to the tip than let her & the carrion waltz in & help themselves.

I & my children have wonderful memories of times shared & she will never get her hands on those.