[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
39 next month: will I EVER be able to escape from my family? - Page 8 - Carers UK Forum

39 next month: will I EVER be able to escape from my family?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
75 posts
I understand that George, BUT is mum going to live longer than your sister??

This is the crucial issues, the longer your sister stays with mum, the harder it's going to be for her in the future.
Remember, I have a son with severe learning difficulties I love dearly, but he lives in his own home, comes back to my place every second or third weekend, and to all family parties etc.

Mum is being incredibly irresponsible, not even having a Carers Assessment to just talk through the various options.
How many friends her own age does your daughter have?
When did she last go on holiday with people her own age?
What does she look forward to most in the average week?

Your mum is thinking of her own needs, not your sister's long term future. The less she does now, the worse it's going to be when mum dies, because YOU are going to be the one left to pick up the pieces.
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:45 am
I understand that George, BUT is mum going to live longer than your sister??
Unlikely, which is probably why she seems so hell-bent on setting me up to replace her when she's gone.
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:45 am
How many friends her own age does your daughter have?
Only those she knows from her daycare at NEAS (by the way, from September 2nd she'll be going 3 days a week -- Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday). Remember that my sister is unable to travel independently due to her total lack of road safety awareness (as detailed in the social worker's report I linked to up-thread).
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:45 am
When did she last go on holiday with people her own age?
AFAIK she's never been away on holiday in her life (and strictly speaking neither have I: my only times abroad were a couple of school study visits to France and Germany, plus a scientific conference in Seattle at the end of my PhD).

Although I haven't brought the issue up with my mother, a discussion with my dad earlier this year strongly intimated that my mother would object if I wanted to go on holiday now: I'm not sure if it's because of how much she needs me at home, or because she fears I wouldn't be able to eat adequately due to my fussiness, because she otherwise fears for my safety, or due to some other factor.

Now when I ask myself "what do I feel most acutely deprived of as a result of living with my parents?" I now answer immediately "sex and travel".
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:45 am
What does she look forward to most in the average week?
That could only possibly be her days at NEAS.
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Aug 21, 2019 8:45 am
Your mum is thinking of her own needs, not your sister's long term future. The less she does now, the worse it's going to be when mum dies, because YOU are going to be the one left to pick up the pieces.
I think she's already decided that I'll be picking up the pieces, as for my mother it's a less frightening thought than that my sister would end up with non-family who'd probably take advantage of her condition to abuse her...
Hi George I have just found your thread I am 60 now and this could be my story. My Mum died 10 years ago and left me to pick up the pieces (Only other Brother in Australia) From a young age she made it clear A was not going into a home (mainly because she feared abuse) and that was what I was here for to take over, when I tried to reason with her she said I would do what I was told she owned me. He did not attend a Day centre as she stopped him going and would not consider any respite. My husband died a year after Mum and I couldn't cope full time so he got a day a week at centre and then respite which he did refuse and caused problems, but now he goes he absolutely loves it and also gets 3 days at centre. It has made him so much more independent and less clingy. The only thing is he has started not liking me to have any friends or visitors and will not speak to them and goes off slamming doors, also he has taking a dislike to the Gardener who does the hedges and he keeps on about the one who used to help Mum who is long retired. Please do what I wish I had done Escape while you still have the chance it does not mean you can't help them but you have your life as well.
What (if anything) do people here think could be gained if I taught my mother (who after all is indisputably a carer unlike myself) how to use the internet and set up an account for her on these forums?

And if you think it would be beneficial, what should I recommend my mother do here? Should I get her to add to this thread to tell her side of the story (after possibly deleting any material which would be especially upsetting for her), or should I get her to start a new thread (and if so, how do I get her to mention all the facts that would be pertinent in order to help her)?

Thanks,
If your Mum needs the support then something could perhaps be gained from her looking at how other people deal with caring and explore other options for your sister as she gets older.

However, I would caution her adding to your post. The point of the forum is that you can vent confidentially. And that would stop this being a safe space for you to express yourself. If you really wanted to go ahead and introduce her to the forum, I would ensure you are anonymous on here and I wouldn't tell her you have posted. However much you edit your posts, she still may find the content upsetting.

As an alternative is there a physical carers group she could go to locally? If she isn't IT literate she may find this easier anyway? Could you help her find one and offer to take her?
75 posts