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30 year old daughter with mental health issues owes £3,000 - Carers UK Forum

30 year old daughter with mental health issues owes £3,000

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My daughter lives at home and is very abusive to me. there are just the 2 of us. She has been working as a p/t receptionist for several years and I was beginning to think things had settled down a bit at least. Until recently when not at work she was either being abusive to me swearing at me and telling me I have no friends or sleeping. I put it down to underlying depression that she has never dealt with. Her brother died when she was 14 years old. With a lot of encouragement from me she started a University course at 18 years old but luckily a Tutor informed me that she was not attending lectures or submitting course work. It has been such a struggle over the years with her. She would find a job and things would settle for a short time but then I would discover that she'd walked out of the job but had been going out at the normal time and not said a word to me. A few years ago I found out because I opened a letter of her's by mistake that she was heavily in debt and was gambling on line. I will shortly be 70 years old and have severe diverticulitis which causes constant stomach cramps. The other day there was a knock on the door it was the postman apologising that a package had previously been opened! It was her Open Uni resources! She had not said a word to me about this! She has committed herself to £3,000 Open Uni fees! She told me she was going to get a student loan. However looking on line I see that it can take 8 weeks for this to be verified and this should be in place before 12/9. When I asked today if she had appplied for a loan she called me all the names under the sun for interfering and stormed upstairs where she has been all evening. - I have never been able to persuade her to go to the doctor with her problems so she hasn't been diagnosed. She is on 'Isotretinon' to combat acne. This strong medication has been in the media as causing extreme psychological problems. She seemed fine initially on a lower dose but the effects seem to have kicked in now and she's reverted to her worse ways. Does anyone now if there is anything I can do about this please? I'm on a state pension and can't bale her out this time! I appreciate any advice. Thanks. Julie
Hi Julia,
Welcome to the forum.

I'm sure the worry about your daughter makes your health condition worse.

No you should not be bailing her out over her debt, she is an adult and this is her debt. If you keep bailing her out, however kind that is, she will keep abdicate from any responsibility and continue to make the same mistakes.

There is an organisation Gamcare Advice and counselling on gambling problems 0845-6000133 that might be able to offer advice to you about the support available, perhaps you could get some leaflets from them to leave about for her to read.

The fact that she has research an OU course ( albeit without arranging a loan etc,) could indicate she is open to change and turning her life around. To do this she needs to accept outside help and take responsibility

Has she always lived at home?

Melly1
It is time to sort out whose house it is, and the behaviour you expect from her if she wants to stay living there.

At 70, you have a right to retire. It would be different if she was helping and respecting you, as my eldest son does, but she needs to learn what life is going to be like when you are dead, and GROW UP!
Julie
Please see this similar thread
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... 93#p413893
Hi. And hope you are fine. Sorry to hear about your daughter. I think student loans are one of those which won't be erased even if you file for bankruptcy. However, it's Open University and it looks like a private institution. So it might not be consider for that. But still I think £3,000 is a very small amount and doesn't worth bankruptcy. I guess you can agree on a discounted price with the university and pay the outstanding fee on a payment plan. This is the only thing I could think of. Otherwise, I guess these guys are going to get debt collecting companies involved. And they will win the court if things goes that way. Then you should pay the legal fee on top of that which is not good at all.

Signature removed, by moderator, as it contains an advertising link.
Oh, my darling. I'm so sorry for you. I understand that you can't do anything because she is already a grown-up girl and she has to decide what does she want from life. Gambling is a real drug and it is very difficult to stop.
Hello and welcome!

Tell her that because of her bad behaviour you will only be signposting her to resources that is all. Nothing more nothing less. This is not gambling however but more a case of a ill advised attempt to try to get back on the right track. Make a concrete plan regarding her other options and then encourage her in her studies. Maybe also look at cheaper or free online courses instead with her. What does she want to study?
Thara and Connor
Julia posted on the 7th September 19, and didn't return. Not sure if you realise, and maybe I shouldn't point this out? Am sure the mods will explain if I shouldn't.
Pet66 wrote:
Wed Jun 10, 2020 7:48 pm
Thara and Connor
Julia posted on the 7th September 19, and didn't return. Not sure if you realise, and maybe I shouldn't point this out? Am sure the mods will explain if I shouldn't.
Oops sorry. I didn't check the date.
Hi,

Locking this thread now as no longer active