End of Dementia journey, start of?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I know this is part of a stage of grief. Last night I had a sort of panic wash over me, asking myself " what have I done to hubby".
He had a cremation, and the process of it hit me. It was his wish for cremation, but oh that strange feeling! I'm still ticking off certain things. Still struggling with motivation on everyday things to be done, Essentials are done so that will do for now.
I've been indoors for a few days, wasting lots of time. Not all, because finances are clicking into place. Bathroom fitter called in with some samples and we have agreed on date 6th July. My energy is still very low.Grandson has been for tea.
Today, I'm going out. Rain or not! Nothing particularly to go out for, but am making myself. Garden to wet to do very much.Bit disappointed with it this year, but still time to have some success.
The focus of seeing hubby, and then the arrangements for funeral are no longer there.
Keep telling myself he is at peace now after his long struggle,but selfishly I wish he was here with me. Can't even look at a photo at the moment, without the tears flowing. Didn't think I had any tears left!
When Mum died it took me quite a while to overcome those unexpected tears - each time I just told myself that she was now in a much better place, but oh did I wish she was still with me. Even now 7 years later I can still get caught unawares.

Pet tears are nature's way of healing our wounded hearts - the time will come when you will remember with fondness and not sadness but for now just let them flow, don't hold them back.

Pet, I'm still not good with photos either. Part of me still can't believe what happened, and never will.

I decided soon after he died that I had to remember that he died far too early, and that I should not waste my own life because he was gone.
He loved life so much that I should try extra hard to build a new life, not waste my life just because I was on my own. Most of the time I do that, but every so often I allow myself a "down day".
It's still very early days and the time when the urgent stuff has been done and the remainder is all stuff one doesn't want to do and the routine of visits and care is no longer there is a very common time for a dip.
Just go with the flow and find a little something to treat you self to. This stage will pass
I've just drafted my email to the manager of the nursing home, expressing my concerns on the way the nursing staff behaved during hubby's last month in the hospital. The fact that they wouldn't give a reason as to why they couldn't/ wouldn't nurse him, and wouldn't even accept the offer of training. Also expressed my disgust at the way one of them bounded into hubby's room when we were clearing his belongings, eating, grinning and offered so called condolences with a mouth full of food!
I haven't sent it yet but I won't rest until I have had my say. It's not my grief, it's my sadness that it came to such a thing after he had been in the home for 3 half years, but they just couldn't be bothered with him or us in the end.
Pet, I'm sure this is the right thing to do - send a copy to CQC as well. It will help close the door on this sad chapter of your life, and help you move on.
Pet, you felt the same disgust in the last month of hubby's life - so no it's not the grief making you feel that way, ( though it has probably intensified the feeling.) Definitely send it. Then draw a line under it, as best you can.