Ex carer to husband who left

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hi, im new to this and pretty nervous about sharing my story.
I have been seeing a councillor for about a year now and she said this may be a good idea to speak to people who may have been through a similar experience.

I am 26 years old, i met my ex husband at 20 and we were married by the time i was 21 ( he was 26), he was in the military at the time and i moved to Germany to be with him. After about three months he tried to kill himself for the first time We had been out with friends drinking and he took off without telling anyone, we got a taxi back to our flats (we all lived close) and i changed into wellys and a big coat (It was snowing and in the minus figures) and a few of us set off to look for him. After around an hour we returned back, he was sat outside the flats and began to swear at me calling me a slag and a whore, he shouted at me to give him he key which i did. He then let himself in through the main door, ran up the stairs and slammed the flat door in my face. I was pretty upset by this point and was asking him to let me in, i could hear him destroying our flat. Eventually he let us in but locked himself in the living room (all interior doors had keys). By the time we had broken it down he was half on half off the sofa surrounded by tablets, appearing unconscious. I'm not sure what he had taken i know i didnt think straight at the time, i tried to make him be sick, lay him in the recovery position and attempted to count the pill packets and work out what had been taken. my friend called an ambulance and then we waited. He was in hospital for a long time although i cant remember how long ( my memory is very vague ). i remember washing and changing him in hospital because he had been incontinent and i remember going to see him everyday but not much else.

Things deteriorated he was very possessive of his phone and laptop and i wasn't allowed to touch either of these. He would go on nights out and get blind drunk and come home and be verbally abusive towards me, he once came home with girls knickers in his pocket. I walked on egg shells a lot, but every now and again he would make a grand loving gesture and things would be ok for a while. Then.. it would start again.

I got offered a place at university back in the UK to study to be a nurse and moved home six months before he was due to be posted to aldershot. This seemed like a plan that might work. Whilst i lived away he "disappeared" several times where i would be unable to contact him. I later found out he had been sleeping with "singlies" in the "block" and had also been seeing prostitutes and going to strip clubs. However hindsight is a wonderful thing.

He ended up being posted to york instead of aldershot and i left my course and reapplied to york university where i got a place. He was then sent to canada for six months. During this time away he had been sending inappropriate pictures to another soldiers girlfriend asking her for a date and can they meet up when hes home. He got found out and i got sent screen shots of all this. He attempted suicide again. Im not sure how as i wasnt there but he was flown back to darlington hospital where he stayed for around a month. I visited as often as i could but had started work as a HCA and needed to make ends meet.

He came home and things were ok for a while, i was struggling to deal with the cheating revelations ( i found out about the historic cheating at this point ). But if i ever needed to talk or felt upset he would say i was bringing him down. I felt i couldnt in case he tried to commit suicide again.

He started attending help for heros pheonix house for rehab and seemed to be making progress. At some point however just after july 2016 ( post 2 weeks of holiday bliss ) he completely shut down on me. He would ignor me as i cam in the door. He would become moody if he could have his own way ( i bough an enormous TV we couldnt afford out my own savings), he would continually tell me his life was shit and he had nothing good in his life. I became depressed myself. i had no self esteem.

Around this time came suicide attempt number 3. he barricaded the spare bedroom door and hung himself from the fire hinge. The dog alerted me and i managed to force the door open and cut him down. He wouldn't let me go to the police or ambulance. He wouldn't let me touch him or be near him.

He was being discharged from the army with a sickness payout, at which point he decided he could not be with me anymore that he couldn't wait for me to finish university. A day or so later he said it was over. We had been sleeping separately for over a month and hadn't really interacted with each other on a nice level for the same amount of time.

I found out later he had been having an affair. I left the home and rented a room in a house. He kept everything.
He received a large sum of money from the army since and is now an ambassador for Movember, hes doing tv interviews, and writing blogs about his battle with mental health.

i know he was unwell and did so much to try and help him.
i just now feel so trodden on and i feel almost that he is lieing ini a public light to make himself look good.
Not once has he mentioned his wife, the cheating, the prostitutes, the guilt trips or the verbal abuse.

I feel i am a bad person for feeling like this, but im not in a fair bit of debt ( setting up home is expensive as a nursing student )
and hes off here there and every where on 5 week holidays. I wish he would just divorce me but even that isnt moving along at all. Hes lied to me about sending off for a divorce i rang the office to check and after three months its not been submitted.

I cant be alone in feeling like this, i was registered as his carer and i took that job very seriously and i was just used and left with nothing.
You have been well and truly trampled on, your self esteem has gone. Time to read a book by Sarah Litvinoff called "Starting Again". We are ultimately all responsible for our own happiness. You would NEVER have any with your husband. Draw a line under what has happened, get that divorce under way yourself, and gradually rebuild your life. You cannot change his behaviour, the only person who can do that is him.
A very very brief reply for now....

Firstly, GREAT you are seeing a counsellor - just what you need.

Second, is there any forum for wives/partners of those who are involved with Help for Heroes or any other ex-servicemen's charities/support groups? Because you may, sadly, find your situation is not unique - he will not, alas, be the first man to join the army with a lot of baggage that just gets worse and worse until they are discharged.

Third, see a solicitor straight away, and start divorce proceedings. Explain the situation to the solicitor, set out all the finances, including whatever was paid out to him etc, and hopefully you will be entitled to a share.

Fourthly, contact Help for Heroes etc on your OWN behalf - as YOU may be entitled to some form of compensation from the army for what you went through while married to one of their soldiers. (You certainly should be!)

Fifthly, WELL DONE FOR GETTING OUT!!!!!!!

I know these last six years have been hellish, but you are now FREE of this highly damaged and damaging man. Whatever monsters lurk in him, or he is prey to, he is WAY beyond your capability to do anything, and since he seems to be doing very well on is own now thank you, you can truly wash your hands of him in that respect and get on with your own life which is THE most important thing for you to do.

Sixthly, yes, you will be angry at what he is spouting off now, and so you should be. Not right now, because I think protecting yourself, starting divorce proceedings and all the other things above (and, of course, going forward with your nursing career - SO good you have that!) (and if you ever became a psychiatric nurse you have a head start in experience!!!!!!!!), but, at some point, I think you could easily either start your own 'counter-blog' (ie, 'I was the wife of a highly damaged soldier') (presumably you can be anonymous is you opt?) and/or start commenting on HIS blog! BUT, I would not do that yet.

Seventhly, always always remember that justice DOES come into people's lives. It's unlikely your ex will have a happy life -whereas YOU have every every chance of having a very good life. You are now 'wise' in a way you were not at 20, and you have the scars to warn you about damaged men, and to choose someone who is emotionally healthy - when the time is right.

Your 'revenge' on what you have been put through by him, and are still being put through by way of his 'repainting' his behaviour, is that YOU will have a good life.....

You've done INCREDIBLY WELL to come out of this and as well as you have, with a future that is ALL yours, a career that is not only desperately needed in the UK, but also highly stimulating, and offers so much promise for the future.

You've actually achieved a great, great deal in your short life, and you have every reason to be proud of yourself for surviving what would have sent so many young women screaming!!!! Think what you have handled, and managed, and coped with and survived? It's amazing. So WELL DONE.

The future is yours, not his, and it will be a good one. You deserve it, and you are already starting to achieve it.

Kindest wishes to a very brave and resolute young woman. Jenny
bowlingbun wrote:
Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:27 pm
You have been well and truly trampled on, your self esteem has gone. Time to read a book by Sarah Litvinoff called "Starting Again". We are ultimately all responsible for our own happiness. You would NEVER have any with your husband. Draw a line under what has happened, get that divorce under way yourself, and gradually rebuild your life. You cannot change his behaviour, the only person who can do that is him.
Thank you got your reply xx

I will give this book a read thank you. I want to get the divorce underway so badly however he knows financially i am unable too. Think that's my major frustration at the moment i feel as though he is dragging his heels because he knows i cannot act.
jenny lucas wrote:
Wed Dec 06, 2017 5:33 pm
A very very brief reply for now....

Firstly, GREAT you are seeing a counsellor - just what you need.

Second, is there any forum for wives/partners of those who are involved with Help for Heroes or any other ex-servicemen's charities/support groups? Because you may, sadly, find your situation is not unique - he will not, alas, be the first man to join the army with a lot of baggage that just gets worse and worse until they are discharged.

Third, see a solicitor straight away, and start divorce proceedings. Explain the situation to the solicitor, set out all the finances, including whatever was paid out to him etc, and hopefully you will be entitled to a share.

Fourthly, contact Help for Heroes etc on your OWN behalf - as YOU may be entitled to some form of compensation from the army for what you went through while married to one of their soldiers. (You certainly should be!)

Fifthly, WELL DONE FOR GETTING OUT!!!!!!!

I know these last six years have been hellish, but you are now FREE of this highly damaged and damaging man. Whatever monsters lurk in him, or he is prey to, he is WAY beyond your capability to do anything, and since he seems to be doing very well on is own now thank you, you can truly wash your hands of him in that respect and get on with your own life which is THE most important thing for you to do.

Sixthly, yes, you will be angry at what he is spouting off now, and so you should be. Not right now, because I think protecting yourself, starting divorce proceedings and all the other things above (and, of course, going forward with your nursing career - SO good you have that!) (and if you ever became a psychiatric nurse you have a head start in experience!!!!!!!!), but, at some point, I think you could easily either start your own 'counter-blog' (ie, 'I was the wife of a highly damaged soldier') (presumably you can be anonymous is you opt?) and/or start commenting on HIS blog! BUT, I would not do that yet.

Seventhly, always always remember that justice DOES come into people's lives. It's unlikely your ex will have a happy life -whereas YOU have every every chance of having a very good life. You are now 'wise' in a way you were not at 20, and you have the scars to warn you about damaged men, and to choose someone who is emotionally healthy - when the time is right.

Your 'revenge' on what you have been put through by him, and are still being put through by way of his 'repainting' his behaviour, is that YOU will have a good life.....

You've done INCREDIBLY WELL to come out of this and as well as you have, with a future that is ALL yours, a career that is not only desperately needed in the UK, but also highly stimulating, and offers so much promise for the future.

You've actually achieved a great, great deal in your short life, and you have every reason to be proud of yourself for surviving what would have sent so many young women screaming!!!! Think what you have handled, and managed, and coped with and survived? It's amazing. So WELL DONE.

The future is yours, not his, and it will be a good one. You deserve it, and you are already starting to achieve it.

Kindest wishes to a very brave and resolute young woman. Jenny
Hi Jenny, thank you for your reply.

Reading that has given me the burst of energy i really need at the moment. It feels amazing to be free of him and finally happy, the phrase a weight of your shoulders has never been more relevant !!

I feel as though once the divorce is done i can really move forward however he is dragging his heels with this also. Its a tad frustrating to say the least !

I think your right when you say the best revenge is having my own good life, which with the lessons ive learned will be simple and happy. Ive realised that happiness isnt in grand gestures its in the little acts that show people really care. Its so east for people to throw monetary items at you but people who give time are the most precious.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and your kind words, they sound like you are speaking from experience

Hope you have a lovely festive season and all is well with you and yours <3
Mol xx
Why can't you afford to get a divorce? I don't understand.