Devastated, confused and scared!!!

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello,
I'm new to the forum, always meant to join but kept putting it off. Long story short my wonderful mum/best friend died Friday afternoon 25/08/17 after suffering a large bleed on the brain caused by an aneurysm bursting. After being transferred QMC Nottingham and having scans it was found that there were multiple aneurysms, they operated and coiled the one's that looked most threatening. Unfortunately because of her COPD she ended up with fluid on her lungs and ended up getting an infection. This then turned out to be sepsis which caused her organs to start failing. Myself and my brother were both with her as she passed and two of her sisters had managed to see her before she passed after traveling from Southampton. I hope she knew that we were there for her as she had to be kept sedated because of the tube in her throat, she had been awake briefly the Monday before as they reduced her sedated and held both our hands and answered questions by doing a deliberate slow blink for yes!
So besides the crushing grief were are both feeling, I'm now so terrified as to what the future will hold, I've been a carer for around 19 years. We have so much to start organizing from tomorrow as it's been a Bank holiday weekend and we can't do anything till we get a death certificate, do I tell the benefit office for cares allowance tomorrow or wait till I can use the tell all online option? My brother is being my rock while he struggles himself, he has PTSD and back problems and I know it's taking a toll on his health, he's waiting for back surgery and I will be so scared in case anything happens to him!
Thank you if you've read this it's a release to write it all down.
Hi Sharon,
I'm really sorry to hear about mum. It's an awful time, and it's so, so easy to go into panic mode. Sadly, I've been involved with organising the affairs of a number of relatives, including my husband. DON'T PANIC.
From this, I'd suggest that you start by finding a lever arch file, some clear sleeves (to keep papers in) stapler, hole punch and some punched paper.
Later, you can have another one for completed jobs.
Top priority will be contacting the Registrar.
You will need to make an appointment, and will be required to take certain things with you, to identify mum, and yourself.
As there has been a Bank Holiday, there will be a slight delay, and the crematorium will also have a backlog, but you can't deal with that until you have the Death Certificate. If mum had a bank account, insurance, etc. get about 4 certificates, because you will need to send away one of these original death certificates, NOT a photocopy.

While you are waiting to go to the Registrar, find the death certificate, passport, driving licence and put them in the ring binder.
Then put together everything related to
Gas
Electric
Housing Benefit
Pension or other benefits
Insurances - especially home insurance - tell them asap.
(Use the dining table or kitchen worktop and have a pile for each)

Have a dustbin handy with a recycling bag for any old magazines, newspapers etc. Give each one a shake in case there is anything important tucked inside. Hopefully mum hasn't got milk receipts going back to 1947 like my in laws did!

Don't even think about getting it all done in one go. It's hugely distressing. After only an hour, you will probably have had enough. Leave a bag of tissues at mum's place, and have some Cravendale milk in the fridge which doesn't go off, so each time you visit mum's you can have lots of tea/coffee.

Once you've made the piles, put them in date order, staple them together, newest on top, put them in a clear polythene sleeve, and put it in the ring binder IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE.
As you are given things, do the same with everything. Promise yourself you will deal with ONE job every day, so can your brother.

Make sure you eat, regular meals.
Make sure you go out in the fresh air once a day.
If you don't want to shop where mum lived, for fear of tears, shop in the next town.
That's enough for now. Ask us about anything you are worried about, we are all here for you.
Sharon,
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I'm sending you a cyber (((hug.)))
Take heart that you were at your Mum's side and that you you all had time to say goodbye. A lot of people who have been sedated can recall what was said to them afterwards, so I'm sure your Mum could hear you.

You might find this information helpful https://www.carersuk.org/search/bereavement

Melly1
Hi Sharon.
I am so sorry that your Mum has died. My mum too died about 5 weeks ago. It is and has been an emotional time for me.

You have 5 days to register the death but it can be extended if the Registrar agrees. You could also ask the Registrar if they do the 'Tell us once' contact to the benefits agency and also any other steps you may need to take. They are so helpful.
You do need to make an appointment anyway before you go to the Registrar's office.

Please come back to this forum as often as you wish.
Kind regards
Christina
bowlingbun wrote:
Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:23 pm
Hi Sharon,
I'm really sorry to hear about mum. It's an awful time, and it's so, so easy to go into panic mode. Sadly, I've been involved with organising the affairs of a number of relatives, including my husband. DON'T PANIC.
From this, I'd suggest that you start by finding a lever arch file, some clear sleeves (to keep papers in) stapler, hole punch and some punched paper.
Later, you can have another one for completed jobs.
Top priority will be contacting the Registrar.
You will need to make an appointment, and will be required to take certain things with you, to identify mum, and yourself.
As there has been a Bank Holiday, there will be a slight delay, and the crematorium will also have a backlog, but you can't deal with that until you have the Death Certificate. If mum had a bank account, insurance, etc. get about 4 certificates, because you will need to send away one of these original death certificates, NOT a photocopy.

While you are waiting to go to the Registrar, find the death certificate, passport, driving licence and put them in the ring binder.
Then put together everything related to
Gas
Electric
Housing Benefit
Pension or other benefits
Insurances - especially home insurance - tell them asap.
(Use the dining table or kitchen worktop and have a pile for each)

Have a dustbin handy with a recycling bag for any old magazines, newspapers etc. Give each one a shake in case there is anything important tucked inside. Hopefully mum hasn't got milk receipts going back to 1947 like my in laws did!

Don't even think about getting it all done in one go. It's hugely distressing. After only an hour, you will probably have had enough. Leave a bag of tissues at mum's place, and have some Cravendale milk in the fridge which doesn't go off, so each time you visit mum's you can have lots of tea/coffee.

Once you've made the piles, put them in date order, staple them together, newest on top, put them in a clear polythene sleeve, and put it in the ring binder IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE.
As you are given things, do the same with everything. Promise yourself you will deal with ONE job every day, so can your brother.

Make sure you eat, regular meals.
Make sure you go out in the fresh air once a day.
If you don't want to shop where mum lived, for fear of tears, shop in the next town.
That's enough for now. Ask us about anything you are worried about, we are all here for you.
Thank you.
Melly1 wrote:
Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:25 pm
Sharon,
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I'm sending you a cyber (((hug.)))
Take heart that you were at your Mum's side and that you you all had time to say goodbye. A lot of people who have been sedated can recall what was said to them afterwards, so I'm sure your Mum could hear you.

You might find this information helpful https://www.carersuk.org/search/bereavement

Melly1
Thank you.
christina 17 wrote:
Mon Aug 28, 2017 5:40 pm
Hi Sharon.
I am so sorry that your Mum has died. My mum too died about 5 weeks ago. It is and has been an emotional time for me.

You have 5 days to register the death but it can be extended if the Registrar agrees. You could also ask the Registrar if they do the 'Tell us once' contact to the benefits agency and also any other steps you may need to take. They are so helpful.
You do need to make an appointment anyway before you go to the Registrar's office.

Please come back to this forum as often as you wish.
Kind regards
Christina
Thank you.
Hi Sharon
sending you a massive (((((Hug))))))

I can only repeat what the others have already said. Remember that it doesn't all have to be done immediately. Some things DO. Deal with them, one step at a time. We used the "tell us once" service when we registered Mum's death in February, and it was a huge weight off our minds. They did it all for us.

We're still in the process, although coming close to the end. The house is handed over to the new owner next Friday and then that will be that. It's emotionally draining and I've reached depths of exhaustion that I never knew existed. It's not physical, but mental. At present I deal with things by putting non-urgent stuff to one side, for dealing with "later". I'm not specifying when "later" will be. It'll be later, that's it. Be kind to yourself, rest, eat nutritious food and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Forget the distant view. Look at what is right in front of you, right now.

xxx