When The Caring Ceases : Some Thoughts As To What To Expect
Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:42 am
Section copied over from another thread ... now expanded a little , especially on the housing element ...
several postings have touched apon issues contained herein.
It is NOT intended to be guide ... every carer will experience different problems , some more severe than others.
What happens when the caring , for whatever reason , stops ?
Feel free to add any observations ... especially specific ones as I have generalised most experiences.
Grim ?
Maybe but ... the problems to be faced are already there for many ... particularly so for any lone carers ... again , I speak from first hand experience.
If nothing else , another vote for a " Former Carers Welfare Officier " ... a former carer inside an LA whose sole function is to " Reintroduce " a carer into the new world outside ... one to one basis ?
At the moment , there is ... nothing.
One for our own supporting organisations to take on board.
The Voice of Carers ... all carers ? ... including former carers ?
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Any search engine ... FORMER FAMILY CARERS ... amongst the results will be some studies made over the years.
CARE ... written by academics ... NOT by carers themselves ... take any with a large pinch of salt !
Most read as dry as that proverbial lime burner's boot ... and as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane !
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Once a carer , always a carer ?
Not many would argue against that !
A few , like me , return to do what we can.
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A question for any academic / suit or other non carer reading this posting.
How many OLOGIES are involved in the above ... which one would you recommend as being the main one ?
A Survivalologist ... perhaps ?
There are no simple answers in ... CarerLand.
several postings have touched apon issues contained herein.
It is NOT intended to be guide ... every carer will experience different problems , some more severe than others.
What happens when the caring , for whatever reason , stops ?
Feel free to add any observations ... especially specific ones as I have generalised most experiences.
Just imagine what person emerges when the caring ends ....
What goes into caring ... you ... is not the same that comes out.
Perhaps late 50s , educated but totally out of touch with the new world before you ?
Fortunate if you are still have assets intact ... debt is all too common given the income paid to a carer over the years.
What now ?
You're free ... perhaps another 30 years ahead ... where do you start ?
Immediate concern ... housing ... your income alone ... enough to keep the roof over your head ?
If a social tenant , under immediate pressure to vacate and downsize ?
Join the queue !
In many areas wherein there are 10 / 20 / 50 ... even more ... tenants wanting to downsize for every smaller property available ... the Bedroom Tax being the catalyst for this.
In either event , Council Tax ... potential Bedroom Tax ... needs sorting as there has been a change ... and that can be a can of worms for many !
How about seeking a BTL property ?
Think again ... many agents refuse point blank to let a property to a tenant on benefits ... spreading in line with the UC rollout as I type.
Moving to a new area ?
I did it ... but in exceptional circumstances ... may be the choice if a clean break seems the choice. Again , much will depend on the finances available ... only in exceptional circumstances mortgage your very soul to do so ... unless , like me , that was the only option !
Even seven years and a few days later , I still feel liike a transient ... a stranger in a very strange land ... it will eventually pass ... so I keep telling meself ... home is where the heart is ... ?
Some don't like my analogy but ... I consider it appropriate for many ex carers , especially the lone carers ... those prison gates have shut and there is no one to guide you into this new world.
Initially , you may feel like a leper ... nobody wants to know you ... common ... each of us need to deal with that one in our way ... there is definately no one size fits all solution.
An educated person before caring ... perhaps a banker / accountant / architect etc. ?
20 or so years later , you think of finding a job in those areas ?
Think again ... those sectors have changed ... even the way of doing the simple things.
Retraining ?
Forget it. In those sectors , private tuition is unheard of , need to be on the inside first.
During caring days ?
21 Hour Rule ... Carers Allowance lost. Those skills are dead.
Perhaps think of becoming a care worker ... using your own skills as a family carer ?
Most would NOT last five minutes !
A care worker needs to observe rules ... as a family carer , no rule book exists ... and the one to one standard of care in comparison ... ?
What you would do automatically , no care worker would undertake ... a clash of cultures ... as is the basic emotion of caring ... a care worker only " Cares " if they are paid to care ... otherwise , they would be employed in another industry.
You're on your own ... no gratuity ... the world outside has changed ... you intially feel like a dinosaur.
Even mixing with people is difficult , the art of conversation last tried , perhaps , years ago.
Feel both socially isolated and unwanted through no fault of your own ? Sleep patterns shot to pieces ?
That is a natural reaction ... it takes time to adjust even at the most fundamental level.
Better adjust quick ... being an ex carer means nought ... no medals to show , just presumed debts ... even less strands in that mythical safety net on the income front ... even your CA stops after 8 weeks ... now down to that pension you drewdown to starve off bankruptcy ... the last card available.
There's always the local job centre. For most , a real eye opening experience on many levels ... even to find someone inside that " Understands " where you are coming from ... " Caring ? What job did you do for the past xx years ? " ... not as uncommon as you may expect ... for starters ... and it doesn't get any easier thereafter.
Caring counts for a big fat zero with them ... even the old JSA is NOT automatic , it is based on income consideration ... another example of caring not seen as " Work " ... and yet , someone who is unemployed seeking work ... different ball game !
Seeking employment ?
A CV is almost essential ... quite a bit in past postings as to how to tackle that " Employment gap " , ie. caring. This is where the Job Centre come in ... if you are fortunate enough to have a good advisor.
In essence , your CV should match the vacancy ... best to have several variations in one's arsenal ... some playing up the caring roll , some down ... all depends on what you are seeking.
There is no hard and fast rule ... pure luck may play a part ... the interviewer's husband / wife may be a carer ... definately a case of " Feeling lucky punk ? "
As a rule , don't overplay the caring angle ... it is not relevant in the majority of cases. Either you will be able to step into the job running or ... in some instances ... be on probation from day one.
To get into a " 9 to 5 " routine after so many years is another challenge ... and not for the faint hearted !
On the personal front ... dating sites ... former carer up front ? Stay silent ?
It's amazing as to the reaction some former carers have experienced ... mostly negative even if all other things have gone well ... even if " Going Dutch " as monies are a problem.
A little late and " Madame " has missed the last bus home ? No car , that went to survive a few more months as a carer ?
Madame looks at you for a contribution to the taxi fare home. Oh dear , last fiver left and 4 bluies needed ?
No long term worries ... we have all been there ... the same problem ... lack of reddies if not time watching ?
Any moral ?
Yeh , wear a watch with a built in alarm !
Perhaps " Seeking a former carer " a better bet ?
Even then , two emotionally " Dead " people ... both relying on the other to help snap out of that condition ?
It's been known ... and done ... there will always be something there ... and no guide book exists for anyone to recognise what that " Something " is ... patience , a virtual in CareLand ... also on the outside ?
I speak from FIRST hand experience ... the caring never really leaves you ... it is now part of you.
I haven't touched apon another scenario ... an elderly and / or disabled carer ... now too frail to continue caring ... the fate of their caree ... and their own well-being ????
Only recently , a reported case of a 98 year old mother moving her 80 year old son into a care home so that she could continue to care for him ... and receive care for herself whilst doing so.
One situation my mother came across ... 83 year old blind mother / 57 year old son in wheelchair ... co-existing together ... each caring for the other , operating as one ... I leave that to you , the reader , as to what would happen if either was unable to care for the other.
PROTOCOOPERATION ... a word borrowed from biology / zoology ... just as apt when applied to carers and carees when both rely on each other to survive ... a partnership ... requiring JOINT solutions ... none of our supporting organisations recognise !!!!!!!
Both carers and carees at the same time ... far from unique ... and not one supporting organisation able to address their JOINT needs !
Ironically , you may having being caring for a caree with mental health problems. For whatever reason , the caring has ended ... and now , you yourself have mental health problems all of your own ... through caring.
The final goodbye to CarerLand is just as foreboding as saying hello to it in the first place.
Grim ?
Maybe but ... the problems to be faced are already there for many ... particularly so for any lone carers ... again , I speak from first hand experience.
If nothing else , another vote for a " Former Carers Welfare Officier " ... a former carer inside an LA whose sole function is to " Reintroduce " a carer into the new world outside ... one to one basis ?
At the moment , there is ... nothing.
One for our own supporting organisations to take on board.
The Voice of Carers ... all carers ? ... including former carers ?
########################################################################################
Any search engine ... FORMER FAMILY CARERS ... amongst the results will be some studies made over the years.
CARE ... written by academics ... NOT by carers themselves ... take any with a large pinch of salt !
Most read as dry as that proverbial lime burner's boot ... and as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane !
#######################################################################################
Once a carer , always a carer ?
Not many would argue against that !
A few , like me , return to do what we can.
######################################################################################
A question for any academic / suit or other non carer reading this posting.
How many OLOGIES are involved in the above ... which one would you recommend as being the main one ?
A Survivalologist ... perhaps ?
There are no simple answers in ... CarerLand.