...........yes, there is!
As many know, my Mum died back in January. It's like it was yesterday. I can still remember the details.....and her face. Her face which didn't even look like her any more. Trying to 'let her go' as serenely as I could. Trying to make sure my sons were ok while they were there. I thought I did well - I DID do well. I made sure that Mum heard that I loved her, even though I was sure she couldn't hear and didn't know what was going on any more.
The funeral - I did it well. Made it really personal- boards of colourful pictures and momentos on the sides of the coffin. Made it all so that I would regret as little as possible.
It worked for roughly five months.
Lately I've been thinking of her; wondering if I did all I could; remembering the times that I lost my temper with her.....with hindsight, understanding some of the ways in which she behaved. I have her chair - the adjustable one....the one which I used to moan to her about for not having her legs raised all the time. I realise now that I use it, that it's a bit of a chore to keep raising it and lowering it when I need the loo!!
Five months later, I find I can't stop the tears from flowing. I know I'm not acting rationally in some of the situations that arise....I know I'm in a dark place a lot of the time.
I daren't mention the name 'Granny', for fear that Bryn will go rushing over the road to see her. I hate seeing someone else going through HER front door....and seeing different curtains up at HER windows! On a Wednesday night, I have to stop myself from putting HER bin out when I see someone has put it out already.
STOP........I keep telling myself. STOP this thinking. I can.........at times.
Wishing that I hadn't been so horrible to her at times; wishing that I had spent more time with her.....I realise that I DO have regrets.
She wanted to 'go'...so she got her wish, but it's left me with a big void in my life. I can do things which I couldn't do before - go out for the day, go away and not have to worry. I don't have to worry continuously.
I feel of no use. There's no point in me being here.
Even the good side of Luke having a girlfriend has left an extra void in me. My son and best friend is suddenly not there hardly at all. I'm pleased, really pleased for him. Not sure if he's ecstatically happy with his lot, but he has someone else who loves and supports him.
There doesn't seem to be anyone who knows about this big, black void in me. So I continually put on a brave smile untill I can smile no longer and descend into tears where nobody can see them.
I sometimes think that I'm going quite, quite mad.
Is it time for me to go absolutely round the bend?
Will anyone notice?
Mum always said that I would miss her when she was gone.
How bloody right she was!
As many know, my Mum died back in January. It's like it was yesterday. I can still remember the details.....and her face. Her face which didn't even look like her any more. Trying to 'let her go' as serenely as I could. Trying to make sure my sons were ok while they were there. I thought I did well - I DID do well. I made sure that Mum heard that I loved her, even though I was sure she couldn't hear and didn't know what was going on any more.
The funeral - I did it well. Made it really personal- boards of colourful pictures and momentos on the sides of the coffin. Made it all so that I would regret as little as possible.
It worked for roughly five months.
Lately I've been thinking of her; wondering if I did all I could; remembering the times that I lost my temper with her.....with hindsight, understanding some of the ways in which she behaved. I have her chair - the adjustable one....the one which I used to moan to her about for not having her legs raised all the time. I realise now that I use it, that it's a bit of a chore to keep raising it and lowering it when I need the loo!!
Five months later, I find I can't stop the tears from flowing. I know I'm not acting rationally in some of the situations that arise....I know I'm in a dark place a lot of the time.
I daren't mention the name 'Granny', for fear that Bryn will go rushing over the road to see her. I hate seeing someone else going through HER front door....and seeing different curtains up at HER windows! On a Wednesday night, I have to stop myself from putting HER bin out when I see someone has put it out already.
STOP........I keep telling myself. STOP this thinking. I can.........at times.
Wishing that I hadn't been so horrible to her at times; wishing that I had spent more time with her.....I realise that I DO have regrets.
She wanted to 'go'...so she got her wish, but it's left me with a big void in my life. I can do things which I couldn't do before - go out for the day, go away and not have to worry. I don't have to worry continuously.
I feel of no use. There's no point in me being here.
Even the good side of Luke having a girlfriend has left an extra void in me. My son and best friend is suddenly not there hardly at all. I'm pleased, really pleased for him. Not sure if he's ecstatically happy with his lot, but he has someone else who loves and supports him.
There doesn't seem to be anyone who knows about this big, black void in me. So I continually put on a brave smile untill I can smile no longer and descend into tears where nobody can see them.
I sometimes think that I'm going quite, quite mad.
Is it time for me to go absolutely round the bend?
Will anyone notice?
Mum always said that I would miss her when she was gone.
How bloody right she was!