There's a Void in My Life...........

[Caring_Mind]

...........yes, there is!
As many know, my Mum died back in January. It's like it was yesterday. I can still remember the details.....and her face. Her face which didn't even look like her any more. Trying to 'let her go' as serenely as I could. Trying to make sure my sons were ok while they were there. I thought I did well - I DID do well. I made sure that Mum heard that I loved her, even though I was sure she couldn't hear and didn't know what was going on any more.
The funeral - I did it well. Made it really personal- boards of colourful pictures and momentos on the sides of the coffin. Made it all so that I would regret as little as possible.
It worked for roughly five months.
Lately I've been thinking of her; wondering if I did all I could; remembering the times that I lost my temper with her.....with hindsight, understanding some of the ways in which she behaved. I have her chair - the adjustable one....the one which I used to moan to her about for not having her legs raised all the time. I realise now that I use it, that it's a bit of a chore to keep raising it and lowering it when I need the loo!!
Five months later, I find I can't stop the tears from flowing. I know I'm not acting rationally in some of the situations that arise....I know I'm in a dark place a lot of the time.
I daren't mention the name 'Granny', for fear that Bryn will go rushing over the road to see her. I hate seeing someone else going through HER front door....and seeing different curtains up at HER windows! On a Wednesday night, I have to stop myself from putting HER bin out when I see someone has put it out already.
STOP........I keep telling myself. STOP this thinking. I can.........at times.
Wishing that I hadn't been so horrible to her at times; wishing that I had spent more time with her.....I realise that I DO have regrets.
She wanted to 'go'...so she got her wish, but it's left me with a big void in my life. I can do things which I couldn't do before - go out for the day, go away and not have to worry. I don't have to worry continuously.
I feel of no use. There's no point in me being here.
Even the good side of Luke having a girlfriend has left an extra void in me. My son and best friend is suddenly not there hardly at all. I'm pleased, really pleased for him. Not sure if he's ecstatically happy with his lot, but he has someone else who loves and supports him.
There doesn't seem to be anyone who knows about this big, black void in me. So I continually put on a brave smile untill I can smile no longer and descend into tears where nobody can see them.
I sometimes think that I'm going quite, quite mad.
Is it time for me to go absolutely round the bend?
Will anyone notice?
Mum always said that I would miss her when she was gone.
How bloody right she was!

[susieq]

Pamela - what you are experiencing is so, so normal. I remember when my Dad died - at the time my sister said I was unfeeling as I didn't show much emotion - but someone had to get on with the practicalities and Mum wasn't in a fit state to do so. I did have emotions and I did cry, but I did it in private and quietly. Then about a year after he died I would suddenly find myself crying and feeling lost for no reason. I'm sure that I'll probably go through the same again when it's Mum's turn ' to go '.

For now can I suggest that you seek some bereavement counselling ? You need someone to talk to, to get all these emotions out into the open. Perhaps your GP could put you in touch with someone, or maybe your local hospice has a bereavement counselling service - and there's also CRUSE. Maybe now would be a good time to think about some sort of volunteering to fill the gap ? You have so much to offer and so many talents it would be a shame to waste them.

Try hard (it won't be easy) to concentrate on the good things about your Mum and her life; the times you had uncontrollable giggles together - remember all the 'daughterly' things you did for her and don't berate yourself for the times you lost your temper or got frustrated with her 'ways'. That's all history now - it's water under the bridge and no amount of looking back and wishing will change anything that happened. Tomorrow is another day and the future and what it holds none of us can know, so that only leaves the present and we must make the best that we can of every day.

and always remember that your friends here are always here and ready to listen.


(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs and X X X X X)))))))))))))

[Lazydaisy]

I understand it all Pamela. I have tears in my eyes, reading it.
I feel very guilty that I didn't go to see Dad after he had died. He is the first person I have loved and said goodbye to, that I have been unable to see afterwards. He was my Dad,a man who drove me up the wall so many times asking me to do this and do that,(even running round after other residents in the Home from time to time to buy something on their behalf),but his death has left me an orphan, and at 49 years old,that is what I feel like, all lost and alone.
I have changed my supermarket,as every time I went shopping, I would go and have a cuppa and a chat with him afterwards, taking him a bottle of whisky or some strawberries, etc.He would always fuss over the whisky, he only drank a tot at night, but if I did not buy it on special offer, he would get cross. Now in a supermarket, if I see whisky on a special offer my mind is telling my hands to pick it up for Dad.And when I went to the nearest supermarket, I would start crying, missing my cuppa and time with Dad.
I am smiling at you with the chair. I hated my Dad's pipe smoke, but guess what is in our living room?Yes, his pipes and piperack!
I haven't been back up to the Home,so haven't had to cope with seeing someone in "Dad's room."That must be very hard.
After Rhys died, my very unemotional Dad cried.He was so frail,yet stayed with me all day for the funeral,and for the next 17 months, if I cried when I was with him, he sat quietly and let me cry in peace(and sometimes you need to cry in peace.)If I laughed, then we would laugh together,and I am thankful that since that time we took him out for fish and chips at the beach,and drives out for coffee.He enjoyed a trip out now and again.
You did all you could Pamela, and were coping with a lot of responsibilities at the time. Now, you have more time for yourself, more time which you wish you had given your Mum, but wherever she is,then she is at peace,looking down at you and saying,"now my girl,it is time for you to enjoy yourself".
I think of Dad with love, I am sorry that I did not feel as sad as I should have, but I know that Dad understands me,wherever he is.
Thinking of you getting through the hard days without your Mum.

[Lazydaisy]

I must have posted at the same time as you Susie, you have expressed the feelings so well.

[Myrtle]

My Mum died many years ago. I am older now than she ever was, but I still remember the way she looked, the way it felt to be hugged by her and the sound of her laughter...............and the times I was cross with her when it wasn't her fault...............and the huge, black void when she died.
Looking back with regret is entirely natural, as is thinking you could have done things so much better, but that is not so. You did the best you could as well as you could at the time it was happening and your love never failed.
It's not failing now, which is why you feel as you do.
So think of the good times you shared together and the quiet times you shared.

You still have much to give, not even counting what you give to us here.

xxxxxxxxxxx

[Caring_Mind]

Bless you Susie, Jane, Myrtle for your words. I know what you say is right - (more tears!)...and I know that it will take time for me to feel complete again.
(((((((hugs))))))) wending their way to you All xxx

[rosemary]

For now can I suggest that you seek some bereavement counselling ? You need someone to talk to, to get all these emotions out into the open. Perhaps your GP could put you in touch with someone, or maybe your local hospice has a bereavement counselling service - and there's also CRUSE. Maybe now would be a good time to think about some sort of volunteering to fill the gap ? You have so much to offer and so many talents it would be a shame to waste them.

Almost every word you posted Pamela could have been written by so many of us here that have lost someone we love. Whilst caring our whole lives are wrapped up with another persons wellbeing especially if that caring role is as intense as yours was, its natural to feel as you do.

I would 2nd what Susies posted and also add in about finding something of interest for yourself. I know you love photography and before long September will be on us with the new college courses. Maybe there is one that will interest you. Local schools might be interested if you were to volunteer to run an after school photography class. I know these take time to set up, CRB checks would need doing too, but something to look into.

In the meantime like the others have said, you know where we are

x x x

[NanaNana]

Love and hugs our dear Pamela. Give yourself time and forgoodness sake, remember that it's perfectly OK for you to cry and feel sad. Why wouldn't you? It's not a failing, you're human and we only get upset because we love people so much.
Throw yourself into your doggyclub, but don't forget to cry - it's part of being normal.
Take care lovely lady,
Fran xxx

[NanaNana]

Hey - just a thought ...... Countryfile Calendar Competition's on at the moment (ends 12 August). You can submit up to four photos, there are 12 categories. With your prowess, why not join me and give it a go? Will give you something else to think about and with all the wildlife in your garden and your pond and all those squirrels ...........................? And all your Norfolk opportunities?......

If you type in BBC Countryfile, it'll give you the website address with more info. I've printed it all out and it's permanently by the computer screen so that I can see the categories all the time, especially if I'm browsing through old photos on the computer.

[rosemary]

Countryfile Calendar Competition's on at the moment (ends 12 August). You can submit up to four photos, there are 12 categories. With your prowess, why not join me and give it a go? .

Is this the right link Fran , Countryfile comp