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The profound affect of caring - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

The profound affect of caring

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
79 posts
When I was first widowed I tried to be out and about all day, then did the housework in the evening instead as this was the time I missed my OH most. It was quite "normal" for me to be vacuuming up at 11.00 at night for a long time.
I think BB is right distraction is a big part of coping. I tend to do a lot of my OU study at night the total concentration I need for that shuts out over thing else.

Lell there does seem to be some assumption that relief is what we feel when caring ends but whilst we might be glad that our loved one is no longer in pain, no one considers the grief, loss of self, loneliness etc as well as the physical and mental issues we may have gained as carers. The other problem is the lack of support systems proffessional involvement ceases one the caree has gone and when you have been caring friends and family tend to drift away and so just aren't there to help when the end comes.

Cherish how are you today? I hope you got through the night okay and can manage to get out a bit today and take care of yourself
Booksey, you are exactly right - there are all those issues when you end a caring role, and also I've found that everything I had to suppress while caring has surfaced now.
I lost so many people during the time I cared for dad and wasn't able to properly mourn, now it feels like I'm mourning all of them and I wonder if it will ever end.
I'll have to try the pillow with speakers - I'm always getting in a tangle with the earphones! Don't know what I'd do without the i-pod. The radio was the only thing that did the trick when I had to get used to sleeping on my own, now I rely on my podcasts.
Dad's birthday today, my cousin called me last night which I was really touched by, but I don't suppose anyone else will think of it.
Cherish, how are you today? Hope you have some sunshine, nothing doing here.
I'm off to dr appt this afternoon, hope I don't get too much of a lecture because I didn't take the meds she gave me last time. Feel sorry for my GP, but at least I've know her for ages so she knows this isn't my normal self.
lell, just explain to the GP why you didn't feel like taking the tablets you were given. If she's known you for a long time she will understand what you are going through. My GP of many years retired when I needed him most!
Hi Cherish - Sorry I didn't manage to get on yesterday but my sister wasn't well (I live with her and her husband) and the day was packed with mild caring! I love them all dearly, her and her family and my brother and his but, as they informed me when Dad died they 'don't do bereavement'. It was repeated when my old cat, Agatha, died two months after Dad. I really didn't ask after Mum died. I suppose with their house and spouses, kids and dogs they are just going forward with their lives but I just wish they would mention Mum and Dad sometimes. They listen politely when I do but I keep it to holidays etc rather than the years of caring. I know I need to accept that this is how they are but it's hard sometimes - they reckon I should be grateful for a roof over my head. Ok rant over - I find I get more angry than despairing, especially during the night!
Cherish - I don't want to sound simplistic or trite but I came across a saying way back which helped me as it is so easy to say to oneself. 'It is better to light one candle than to curse the Darkness'. Not necessarily a real candle, though that can be a good meditation tool, but anything positive. A thought of what you like doing, a vague plan, a hobby that interests you or something you were into before the caring took over. I am so impressed by Vienna and Paris - seriously! My own candle, don't laugh, is a feral cat called Bella. She appeared in the yard (we live in the middle of nowhere) a few months before my Mum died and, after a bit of coaxing, joined us. She slept with Mum and I during those last months and weeks and was on the bed when she died. Now, when I face another iffy night, she is there, purring away, my little angel cat. So many hugs to you from me and Bella. The nights are beginning to draw out and soon we'll soon be able to sit in the garden with a glass of wine and know this winter has passed. Love, Solange
My OH died over 6 years ago, but we often talk about him and the things we did together. M. who has SLD has got past the horrible grieving and angry stage and now talks of "lots of happy memories". That's the way it should be, but it does take time to reach this point.
Hi bb - my doctor was great, she's given me something else to try. I'd be very put out if she left, she's a long way off retirement thankfully. Got another appt in a fortnight (on mum's birthday next time). On the minus side she found I've got a heart murmur (for heaven's sake !!!!) but assures me that's not necessarily a problem and very common. Got to go for a 'probe' which hopefully isn't as unpleasant as it sounds. Trouble is that means a 30 mile round trip so begging a lift again from my friend, who's been ferrying me back and forth to the dr and cab. She's been fantastic today, I feel so much better because she came back for a coffee and we've been chatting for ages. We were neighbours for 12 years before I moved in to dad's. I know there's a dip coming but at least it buoys me up for a while.
Solange - there's nothing better than a four-legged 'candle'. My old labrador (13 yrs old)
keeps me going, she's rather high maintenance now but I dread losing her. She can't get on the bed any more but my dad's cat sleeps on me - she used to be very snooty with me but since dad died she's changed.
I can't be doing with people who unilaterally 'don't do bereavement' - it's not an optional extra that we can choose not to bother with. Just means you may be bereaved but we don't want to hear about it. It's very hard when people won't talk about someone you've lost, of course we need to talk about them. My sister's the same about my parents. I think that's one of the difficult issues after caring, few people get it if they haven't done it. Some of the reactions I've had are like a form of PTSD, and talking it through is a way of processing it but no-one wants to hear about it.
I'm waiting for a counselling appointment but I'm not sure how that will work out.
I do have wonderful memories of living in Paris, as well as awful ones, but it's hard to recognise myself as the person who went to live there.
I'm so glad the dark evenings are nearly gone, spring air/light usually makes me restless but I'm hoping this year it will tempt me out of hibernation at least.
Cherish, how are you? Take care, Lesley xxx

I would like a feral cat to adopt me, too.

We had a cat while we were growing up and, when we were ill, mum would bring our cat up to see us.

Mum didn't want the worry of a cat at the end of her life - I sometimes suggested it. However, on the last day that she was 'aware' before she died, I said that I wished I had a cat to bring up to see her. She said "Oh, yes, please bring me the cat" She wanted to see the cat so much. It was heartbreaking that I couldn't bring her a cat. That's making me cry so I can't think about that now.

One night last week I stayed out all night on the hill. Darkness does not seem so bad up there, although I did think I heard someone moving around up there. Sounded too big to be an animal. I don't seem to have the usual sense of danger. On the way to the hill , I met a lovely cat. I could just hear the tinkle of a bell initially, which I recognised as a cat bell. The cat walked with me for quite a distance. He made me smile. Despite the fact that I was feeling so bad, I could not help but smile at the cat, and his determination to keep walking with me.

Love Joy xxx
Hi Joy,
how would you feel about adopting a cat, rather than waiting for one to adopt you?

I know I won't be able to have another dog, because of my arthritis I can't walk far so it wouldn't be fair. I loved walking with my dog when we were both fit. It was such an escape. I got her from a rescue place a few weeks after my mum died, which seems so odd now that I could have got myself together enough to do that. I'd been wanting to get a dog once I came back from france and my mum really wanted me to have one.
When she died, through a series of coincidences I ended up with my dog Rosie. Still feel mum had something to do with it. Don't know how I'd have got through the following years without her. Now she's getting elderly and infirm and I can't bear to think of losing her so for the moment I pretend it's not going to happen.
I'm feeling wiped out after today, going to head for my bed and i-pod and hope to be asleep quickly. Got a lot of negative stuff in my head tonight, because of my family and no-one bothering on my dad's birthday. Should be used to it, it's not new, but it's going to get a grip if I don't block it out.
take care Joy,
Lesley xxx
hope everyone has been ok today, I've not been out of bed much so first look at forum.
wish you all a peaceful night xxx
79 posts