The profound affect of caring

[Booksey]

lell today was good thank you.

[cherish]

I made it to the Suicide Intervention training. It has gone well and some of the other people on the course said they felt I was brave to be open about my suicidal experience and it gave them some new insights. I learned a massive amount, too. I am going back for the second day tomorrow. It's only a two day course. I wish it would continue.

Joy xxx

[bowlingbun]

So pleased that you are finding the course helpful.

[lell7]

Really pleased cherish, I'm sure you're contributing so much to the others on the course. Enjoy tomorrow. xx

Glad you had a good day booksey x

[Booksey]

Really pleased it went well Cherish. Hope today is the same

[cherish]

Thank you so much.

Today I did a role play in front of 30 people, where I was giving direct intervention trying to help keep a person 'safe' . I was presented with a person who was an imminent suicide risk, and I explored with them how they were feeling, identified their risk of suicide, put into practice the suicide first aid intervention programme (you follow a series of steps to lessen that person's risk and help keep them safe), developed a safety plan with them. I felt so totally engaged with the person......really felt emotionally connected, wanting to keep them safe. I got such positive feedback from the tutors and the other students on the course. I know now I could do this - help a person at risk of suicide to keep safe.

It was emotionally difficult for me, because no one else knew how that mirrors my situation at present. They know I attempted suicide in the past, but had no idea that the past continues to the present for me. But all I cared about at that moment was that person - and their pain. And their life.

Joy xxx

[lell7]

Joy, that's fantastic, you must feel great about it. Do you think this is something you will follow up? I hope so, you've got so much to give that not many people would be able to do. I'm so impressed that you did the role play, in front of so many people
Lesley xxx

[Booksey]

Well Done on managing to get there and for getting so much out of the course. I hope you can find some way of using that experience to help others.

Take care

[lell7]

Hi Joy, how are you today? Expect you're tired after the course. I've been to CAB today, to do ESA forms I feel much more positive about being home when I've been out somewhere. I was glad to get back. So good to see some sun today, hope it's shining where you are. Lesley xx

[cherish]

Hi

Thank you very much.

I phoned my GP if he would refer me urgently to a psychiatrist (about a week ago I think)

I had the appointment today and the psych has assessed me as high risk of completing suicide (and listed the factors why, which was interesting). As nothing has worked so far he is talking about the 'recovery model' to see if that will work. He thinks the Crisis Team, with all the different people involved, won't work for me and I need a consistent approach instead.

What was helpful was that he concluded that I wanted to die. (It sounds odd that it's helpful, but I know it's true and I felt understood.) Very often, mental health staff talk about 'not really wanting to die but not knowing how to live', or some other reason for attempting suicide. Even on the training course we were told that generally people want to live, they just don't want the life they've got and that's what suicide is generally about.

He said he cannot say he's optimistic, but he's not 'un-optimistic' if I can 'dodge a number of landmines in the next few weeks because there are lots of landmines ahead'.

He understood about dissociation and the detachment I have from the world - and the detachment from my previous self. I don't know how they can help with that because that's a big part of what makes me suicidal and that's a long-term thing that generally requires therapy I think.

To be honest, although it was good that he was honest and 'got' the fact that I do want to die, I feel that suicide is inevitable given my history of attempts and the fact that I cannot live with the trauma in my head and the dissociation. They said they would not be able to allow psychological therapy at the moment because they won't allow people to access it whilst they are 'in crisis' because a person will encounter distressing things in therapy.

Joy xxx