The profound affect of caring

[solange]

Hi Cherish, you are a lovely, caring person and don't let yourself feel any different. What you are at the moment is exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally like a car that has run out of fuel. But it will come back - just care for yourself and learn to love yourself again - no beating yourself up either physically or emotionally. It's baby steps - I'm not talking from a position of strength here - some days are really bad but I'm getting some good ones or ok sort of ones too. I'm slowly starting to do the things I used to enjoy before the 24/7 care - some knitting, designing and sewing embroideries. Small glimmers of light and interests that take me out of myself and into a more positive place. And keep remembering your user name - you are cherished by all of us here.

[lell7]

Hi cherish, how are you today?
I'm just trying to face up to some paperwork/phone calls I need to do. You'd never think I'd worked as a secretary in a previous incarnation. It takes me forever to work up to a single phone call. Before caring for my parents I lived in Paris for 11 years,
teaching English, that really seems another life now. I comfort myself with the thought that if I could get from there to here, I can get from here to somewhere more tolerable. It's just the steps in between I have trouble with. Not that I see myself strolling round Paris again, I'm not that deluded , but perhaps with enough small steps I can get to a life with some purpose and (I hope) enjoyment. First step today is trying to fix the leaking kitchen sink so I've no excuse not to tackle the dirty dishes piling up. I've no doubt that's going to end up with washing the kitchen floor, one way or another. Not my idea of enjoyment but it will be a major achievement for me at the moment if I can manage it!
(((((((((cherish))))))))))) Lesley xx

[cherish]

Hi Lesley, Solange and Booksey

I am really touched by your messages. It's so kind of you.

Today I did a little better during the day. I ate properly and rested a bit, then spent some time outside in the sunshine. However, as soon as darkness falls I go into a dark place and I know that's coming soon. Evenings are very hard.

I woke in the middle of the night last night with a deafening noise in my head, and felt so bad I wanted to harm myself. Strangely enough I went back to sleep almost immediately.

Maybe I will call the out of hours GP service tonight.

I used to teach English as a Second / Foreign Language, too. I worked in Vienna for a while. Strange to think back to a time when I had the confidence to do that!

Thank you all so much for caring about me xxx

[bowlingbun]

We are all here for you. Don't think the "Crisis Team" has got the right name. "Useless Wallies" sounds better! (I hope I'm allowed to say that?!) As a widow I know how tough life can be at times, but if you just focus on doing something every day which makes you feel little better, even if it's only going for a walk in the park in the sunshine, or having a coffee, then day by day everything gets a little more bearable. One day at a time.

[cherish]

Thank you Bowlingbun. I do like the Crisis Team's new name. I think there is a lot of dissatisfaction in many parts of the country.

Am trying to keep occupied on the internet and not get overwhelmed as I get taken over by the darkness. I get scared and distressed. It happens every evening now. I know that once I stop on the computer it will all come into my head again. Dreading it.

Cherish xx

[bowlingbun]

Have you ever had time to develop a hobby? I'm keen on sewing, but it doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it relaxes you and makes you feel calm and content. Within a few months of being married to me my OH called sewing my Occupational Therapy, and he was certainly right. You could try all sorts of things, beading, knitting, stamp collecting, family history. If was something where there was a local group, that would get you out as well, to give some new friends, and an excuse to smarten up (I always seem to be in jeans at the moment). Perhaps there is a local community centre where they could do with a hand to do the teas in the afternoon, or similar. Just an hour or two a week to start with might make all the difference.

[lell7]

Hi cherish,
glad today was a little better. I know what you mean about the evenings/nights.
I rely on my i-pod once I get to bed, find music too risky because it tends to hit the emotions. I've a stock of podcasts that I listen to, it seems reassuring and keeps my head occupied and gets me off to sleep sooner. I've gone from insomnia to sleeping for England, mind, so my problem's keeping awake these days. For a while after dad died I was waking in a panic at night, but it eased off eventually.
Vienna must have been interesting, I've never been there. I went to Paris for 6 months and ended up there for 11 years, which wasn't the plan ! Enjoyed the teaching though, can't believe I did it now either.
Hope you have a peaceful night xxx

[Booksey]

Lell I also have my ipod on at night for podcasts and audiobooks sometimes radio 4. I've got a special pillow which it plugs into. My son was worried I was going to do myself a mischief with the headphones so he tracked the pillow down for me.

Cherish glad the days have been a little better. Night times always seem worse I find do you have a radio or something you can listen to at night?

Take care

[cherish]

Today the sun was shining again and that helped. But now it's dark and I'm in the depths again. However bright the sun, the darkness always returns. I think it will always be like this for me. I find it so unbearable and I feel totally alone, and yet there is no one (alive) who I want to be with. I find that, in the evening, whatever I do, the pain returns and I just want to be out of it.

[lell7]

Hello Cherish,
can you find ways to distract from your sadness until the morning, when you'll feel different? 'however dark the night the sun always returns' ?? Sorry if that sounds trite, not meant to be, just trying to see another angle. I don't try to make sense of anything when I'm low at night, just makes it worse and I know I'll be seeing everything negatively. Nights are just damage limitation. I've got a dr appointment tomorrow, and it's my dad's birthday so I'm not expecting to do too well. It's not so much the birthday but that no-one's going to bother about it. I think expecting/hoping for support from people around you that doesn't materialise can be worse than having no-one. I thought I had people I could rely on, but it's not turned out that way.
I've never seen much info about the after effects of caring for a long time, it should be more high profile. There seems to be a general expectation that people will be much happier once they're not caring any more, from those who've never done it. My sister said it must be a bit like when your children leave home and you're at a loose end, which just made me realise that she hadn't a clue.
Sorry I don't have much helpful to say cherish, hope the night passes quickly and tomorrow is brighter.
Lesley xxx