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Carers UK Forum • struggling with loss of role
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struggling with loss of role

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:06 pm
by DC49
My caring role to my 54 year old husband has just been taken over by the 23 year year old he has just left me for. She barely knows him and am just wondering what will happen when a hospital emergency arises as has happened three times since October, I have always been there to answer all questions but why should I worry.... because I cannot get out of the caring role!!!!

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:51 am
by Booksey
Hi
I'm at a loss as to what to say to you to be honest but I didn't want to read and run. Not only are you going through a marriage break up and all that entails but you've lost the role of carer which is a further blow to your identity.
You must concentrate on taking care of yourself. Your husband to quote one of my mums favourite sayings has made his bed and now will have to lie in it. If there is a problem he will have to deal with it himself (sorry that sounds a bit harsh)

Please take care and keep posting
X

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:06 pm
by NanaNana
I'm with Booksey here. It will take time to stop thinking in 'carer mode', but your husband's actions have surely freed you from that role. Take your time to adjust and start thinking of you now.
Thoughts and hugs. xx

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:14 pm
by Catja
<snip>I have always been there to answer all questions but why should I worry.... because I cannot get out of the caring role!!!!
(((DC49))) Logically and even IMHO morally it's no longer your problem, but emotions aren't logical. Life would be a lot simpler if they were.
<snip>You must concentrate on taking care of yourself. Your husband to quote one of my mums favourite sayings has made his bed and now will have to lie in it. If there is a problem he will have to deal with it himself (sorry that sounds a bit harsh)

Please take care and keep posting
X
^Mostly this.

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:26 pm
by DC49
I still cannot believe what he has done to us all after all we have done for him, to up and leave for this girl he barely knows, and he will not contact the children. He is being very selfish only thinking of himself and the financial situation I find myself in as well and he doesn't seem to care. If only things could be solved with coffee and a chat, the amount of those I have been offered in the last two weeks bless everyone for their kindness. Just been put on antidepressants by the dr and things seem worse now than ever I just can't seem to function much at the moment. My children are coping why can't I? xx

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:05 am
by crocus
DC, I dont usually post on this bit of the forum as I am still in a caring role, but one thing I do know is that when you first start taking anti-depressants you often feel worse for a couple of weeks before the effect starts to kick in. If you start to feel really bad on them, though, you need to go back to your GP as they may not suite you and need changing to another one.
xx

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:02 pm
by DC49
Thanks, I have got another 10 days to go before reaching the two week mark, and I am hoping and praying that I will start to feel better soon, I am so fed up of crying and feeling this way. x

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:18 pm
by Catja
(((DC49))) Sorry that you're going through such a tough time at the moment. I hope the treatment soon kicks in and starts helping you to get back on your feet, so to speak.

As for why your children can cope more easily than you, they weren't in love with your husband, you were. They had no choice over whether he was in their lives or not, you did. You loved him before you were his carer. Your life revolved around him.

I'm not saying that what you did was wrong, far from it, but it might explain why they feel less of a sense of loss than you do.

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 6:31 pm
by cherish
DC - I am really sorry to hear this . You deserve so much better. Cherish x

Re: struggling with loss of role

Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 10:08 pm
by DC49
Thanks everyone. It was a milestone birthday for me yesterday and he phoned to wish me a happy birthday as if nothing had happened, he even said there was a card in the post for me, I just can't get my head around the way he is acting.