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struggling with loss of role - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

struggling with loss of role

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I find this is a bewildering tactic used by people who've done something totally out of order !! Pretend nothing unusual has happened and carry on as if all is quite normal - this leaves you, as the victim of their behaviour, struggling to find a way to react. It is infuriating and so unfair but unfortunately it works well, because most of us are at a loss how to deal with it. They make it 'your problem'.
How dare he wish you a 'happy birthday' knowing that you are desperately miserable because of him. It's just a way of refusing to accept responsibility for his actions and their consequences. Please look after yourself, concentrate on doing what you need to make life better for you and help you get stronger - I'm sure it's a long time since you did that. It's a hard habit to break but put yourself first. Lesley xx
Thanks for your support. He used to be so loving and caring but since his depression all he has thought about is himself well I suppose its her problem now I have just got to start thinking of myself after all these years. Just do not know which direction my life is going in now. Got to get myself rid of this reactive depression and then see what my options are with regards to returning to work to support my children. Just hope I can manage financially until then as he is on benefits I understand all he has to pay for child maintenance is £5.00 a week, what will that buy, it's a joke! xx
Not posted for a while, really struggling to understand the events of the past four months. It is now 7 weeks since my husband left me and our lovely children. We barely have any contact with him, when he does contact us it is as if he has done nothing wrong. He comes over as if he has overcome his depression and handed it to me on a plate. Can he really overcome all his problems overnight? I keep blaming myself as he seems happy now and he certainly was not with us, he is getting out and about with her and never would go anywhere with us. I can't escape the feeling of not being loved and the hurt is unbearable. I feel so anxious. I am now seeing a councilor and attending stress management even though I know all about it from him attending in the past but just can't seem to apply it to my situation. I supported him through the tough times and now he is not here for me, he just does not seem to care. Can he really just forget 31 years and our two children just like that?
Sorry things are still so difficult for you. It will take a long time to overcome what's happened, but you will get there. Don't expect too much of yourself now, it's very early days. I'm glad to hear you are getting some support to deal with your feelings, it may not seem to be helping much now but it should give you something to build on.
You said earlier that your children are coping better than you. I think Catja was right about that. Your children have you still to depend on, and you feel you have nobody. It's very hard for you, on top of adjusting from 'carer mode'.
I don't know how old your children are, but I expect they have plenty to think about to keep them occupied, whereas for you this is so central it's hard to distract yourself.
Your depression is a 'normal' response to what's happened, it doesn't mean it will go on forever. Allow yourself time to adjust, try not to think about the 'big picture' too much for now, concentrate on the day-to-day and you'll find as time passes it will become easier.
all best wishes, Lesley x
Thanks Lesley. Yes you are right I just can't look too far forward at the moment just taking each day as it comes. Is is very much like grieving for somebody that has died but he chose to leave me with these feelings, that hurts like hell especially when I remember conversations with him over the past few months with him expressing his love for me and he does not want to lose me!! There are so many questions left unanswered, I feel I deserve more than this but not more I can do other than think of what is important for the children and me. x
hi DC49,
just wondering how you're getting on, hope you and your children are doing ok.
best wishes, Lesley xx
Hi Lesley
Thank you so much for posting to ask after myself and my children, it certainly helps to know there are so many caring people out there who no doubt have their own problems. My children are both coping well thank you as for myself I am having good days and bad and just taking small steps to regain my life. It seems like a very long road but I have been getting lots of support from some very lovely people.
Thank you so much.
Love Dawn x
hi Dawn,
glad to hear you're getting support. You sound better, hope things continue to improve.

Lesley xx
Hi Dawn, it takes ages to adjust. As a widow, disabled soon after being widowed, I desperately wanted to get as much back to how it used to be. It took a long time to realise that it never would or could be the same. What I would do would be to try to build a new life. Our time together was "Another Life". I read a book with this title, and it struck a chord with me. Just keep plodding on, and when it all gets too much, take a little break and tread water for a while.
Thanks bowlingbun, your words ring true with me as that is exactly what I feel I am doing "plodding along and then treading water". I am worrying for my eldest son who is 18, at the moment, he never lets on how he is feeling and keeps everything in. I am seeing a counselor and I have suggested he do the same but he says he is ok. What am I to do he is an adult at the end of the day but obviously as a mum you still worry whatever their age. x