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Struggling big time - Carers UK Forum

Struggling big time

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hi everyone,
I don't really know where to start on this one. It's only 3 weeks since Hubs passed away. While I wouldn't say that I was "ok" during the day, I can more or less get through. I can distract myself, my children are visiting and taking me out, I've got my music and books and the garden. Yesterday was a big step, I went into work for a few hours for the first time since Hubs was seriously ill.
My big problem is night time. I do everything i possibly can to avoid going to bed, to delay it, find things to do, watch rubbish tv, etc. When I do go to bed, I have a mug of hot milk and read my book for a while in the vain hope it will settle me down like it used to. It doesn't. I then either take a sleeping tablet which is the only way I can get through the night, or cry myself to sleep because I just want him back and thats not going to happen, I know, but I'm afraid to start crying because I then can't stop and then I feel ill, and want to be sick, and then I can't sleep at all.
What a mess. Do you think it's ok to take the sleeping tabs a bit longer, But I'm afraid by doing that it's just putting off the fact that I've got to learn to deal with night time, and if I don't deal with it, it will just get harder.
What does everyone else think/do?
desperately need advice,
love Phoebe xx
I am certainly not qualified at all to advise you dear Phoebe because thankfully I am not in your position I can only pass on the advice that is given to me when times are so tough I simply think I can't go on and they are really simple to type but ever so much more difficult to do. They are :-
1) Give time time everything passes the good and the bad and we can only wait patiently for that to happen.
2) Keep it simple don't let your mind overwork the black stuff and concentrate on the memories of the good stuff.
3) See your GP about anything medical and if he prescribes anything to help with the bad stuff then do not hesitate to take it, it will help but keep the GP in the loop, he/she will stop the medication when he feels he should.
4) Ask your GP to refer you for counselling talking always helps and often better if to a stranger, self help groups are usually better than professionals reading from text books, always better to talk to someone who has walked the walk not talks the talk.
and lastly try the thread on here set up to help lovely souls like yourself who find themselves in the very sad position you are in (after all the thread is a cyber form of self help)
I'm really good at quoting stuff that is given to me but oh so much more unable to follow it at times, hope it helps BIG HUGS xxxxxxxxxxx
After two months of virtually no sleep, I was given some pills to help me relax and then sleep. I found that by taking them at 8pm I would gently wind down, and then lay relaxed in bed, even if I couldn't sleep. I decided that my body needed the rest and/or sleep, even if I didn't want them. It's such a huge life changing moment that it takes the brain ages to process everything that has happened. It wasn't long before I just took half a pill, otherwise I just floated through each day and did very little constructive. Then I reduced to a quarter, but still taking half if I was particularly stressed - after a while you just know whether it's been a good or a bad day. By taking the pill at 8pm it reduced the effects next morning. The chemist suggested a couple of cups of coffee first thing in the morning to kickstart me back into action, which seemed to work.
Of course it's OK for you to use the sleeping tablets - just remember though that they just a short term aid to the problem, not the long term solution.

I agree with JHR's advice - see if you can get referred to a bereavement counsellor; it often helps big time to speak to someone outside of the family. Perhaps keeping a diary will help too - write down all those feelings (positive and negative) and then shut the book. After my Father died I found that piece of advice the most useful as it upset Mum too much to talk about him and I had no-one else to talk to about the way I felt - guilty, angry, fearful of the future etc. Someone once said "Before I go to sleep I give my troubles to God as he's going to be up all night anyway".

And cry when you want to, don't bottle up your feelings - they say that tears are nature's healing balm. The time will come when you can remember your lovely husband without crying, when you only remember the happy times; but you are still in the early stages of your grief and you need to be kinder to yourself.
Just now Phoebe, whatever helps is ok and crying is ok too. It might make you feel ill at the time but it's much better to let it out than bottle it in.
thank you so much, everyone, all your comments are so helpful, and I know now that I am not alone in these feelings.
My original plan today was to go to the supermarket, I abandoned that plan and went back to bed, moped around a bit, phoned my aunt and my stepdaughter.
I then decided to make a doc's appt tomorrow.
Then something else occurred to me. i am still sleeping downstairs on the sofa bed, in the front room, that we moved into when hubs became too ill to go upstairs.
Maybe that isn't good for me, and I should move back up to the bedroom. When I had made that decision, i felt better.
I will have to shift furniture round and get a new bed, as I've given the big bedroom to my son and his girlfriend, and I'm moving into his old room, which is fine, i just need to tidy up and sort out furniture. That will also give me something to focus on.
Well, I ended up staying in my pyjamas all day, my daughter rang this evening, we had a nice chat, then I watched a film with my stepson, now I'm going to bed.
I feel as if I've made a small progress today.
Sorry I'm waffling on, but thank you so much everyone for your help.
Love Phoebe xx
Still very early days so use any crutch that helps you through. Like the others have suggested above, keep dr in the loop at all times.

Sometimes it can be we dont sleep as we know when we wake it all hits us time and time again. Counselling may help and something to consider. That was mentioned above too.

In meantime, lean on your friends here too.

x x
Hi Phoebe

Please trust me when I tell you it will pass. Body and soul have taken a battering and it takes a while for some kind of even keel to come back. Nine months on I sleep better (not fantastic but better.) I still wake exceptionally early but I try not to worry about it because the more I do the worse it gets. If you need sleeping tablets and the Dr thinks so too then take them.
I keep my ipod close and listen to audio books and music so even if I'm not sleeping I am resting.Making sure you get out and take a bit of fresh air and exercise also helps and make sure you eat.

There is a site called merry widows which is very helpful if you want some where else to vent or just to read other peoples posts so you know you are not alone

Take care.
Thank you, Rosemary and Booksey. As I've said before, what would I do without all you lovely brave people? I think I would have gone completely round the bend.
Am just waiting for a friend to call, we are going to the local garden centre for lunch, then when I get back am going to ring the doc to see if I can get an appt for tomorrow.
I did take a sleeping tablet last night, and did have a better night.
Thank you again, everyone,
Love Phoebe xx
I don't have anymore advice to offer than has already been given Phoebe, just wanted to send you a special hug. I hope that you managed to have a nice lunch out today.

love Blue xx