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Still alive i think. - Carers UK Forum

Still alive i think.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
It's been a long time since I have been on here, never really got around to thanking you all for the support you gave, also thanking those who sent pms, that I just couldn't reply to, you know who you are, and words alone cannot express how much that helped.
It's been over a year now since Kerry Ann left us, I threw myself into work, painted the smile on, and used the I'm ok reply.
No family turned up for the funeral, except our son, and he only did that because everything was paid for him, now back to normal, no cards, nothing, just a message when he needs money. At the stage now where I just want to tell him, forget it, his selfishness knows no bounds, sometimes life is just so cruel.
Christmas was awful, spent every part of it out, anything anywhere, just get through, then we had Julies birthday on the 22nd Jan, followed by what would have been Kerry Ann's 25th on the 23rd, awful awful days.
I ignored my birthday, no meaning to them now, then came the anniversary of her death, the 1st of March, we put flowers lit candles, a couple of friends left flowers, and the 2 people who although we work for them, showed more love and compassion than any of her family, made sure they were here and put flowers for her, from our family nothing, no message no email, no flowers nothing, I can never forgive them for this.
Julie bless her, kept going, god knows how, most of that last year she no longer wanted to be on this earth, she still doesn't but has kept going somehow, now it's just the 2 of us and the rescue furry family left, time has caught up with me now, it always does, you can only run from grief for so long, somehow have to find the energy to get up in the morning, and more importantly the will to carry on, rather than just sit down and give up, I have never felt so tired in my life, so utterly exhausted, how do people keep going when the rest of the family who you would have thought would have helped, desert you at the worst time of your life. You can't pick your family, but we must have been something terrible in any previous life to have deserved this. Where will we be in another year, I have no idea, we go every night to the cemetery and light the everlasting light, that is all we have left, after 24 years of caring what the hell do we do now, some of you know better than us, that once caring stops so does any help, just the scrap heap that way sign. So here we are one year on, racked with guilt because we couldn't keep her safe, wishing she would come home, yet realising that isn't going to happen, and wondering, what do we do now. Nothing ever prepares you for the pain, nothing prepares you for the emptiness, thank you all for the support, you helped me more than you will ever know.

Hi Paul,
I was widowed in 2006, suddenly, due to a heart attack. I don't know your circumstances, but all I can say is that the worst comes between 6 and 12 months afterwards. As you say, there's only so much running etc. that you can do. Learning to be still is possibly the most difficult thing of all, but it will come again, very gradually. So will feeling happy, maybe in a different sort of way. The tiredness is something few people understand unless they've been there themselves. Even the simplest thing seems to take a superhuman amount of will power. Eight years on, I'm still here, without my husband, my soul mate. I'm back to my sewing, although for years there didn't seem any point as there was no one to admire my handiwork in the same way. The garden is different, many of our favourite plants have gone, I couldn't manage it as it was. I keep a diary, I can now look back on how far I have come. Maybe you could do the same? I can now enjoy holidays in Crete on my own, I wear pretty clothes again, sometimes. Be kind to yourself, all the worst "first" anniversaries are over, and I'm sure your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad for the rest of your life.
Dear Paul and Julie,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to both of you. I wish I could be with you to hold you and to hug you in person, but cyber hugs are all I can offer.

I don't have children but I realise that losing a child must be the hardest thing any parent has to face. God made a good decision when he gave Kerry Ann into your care for the short time she was here, but although he has taken her back now she will always live on in your hearts.

Only time will bring you some degree of peace, how long is different for everyone for we all grieve differently. Three years on from my Mother's passing I still miss her terribly but now it's like an ache rather than the piercing pain I felt in the beginning.

As I remember Kerry Ann loved your furry friends too so keep looking after them for her - make them her legacy. I'm sure she's looking down and willing you both on - if she could she'd say "Mum and Dad please take care of them for me, as they are helpless like I was".
Good to see you back here. The way I feel is, if you are posting, then the worst is over.
hi paul, kalimera!
so good to see your post,
and belated but none the less sincere condolences on your loss !
i didnt know!
mr bb died august 2013
and i have happy memories of showing him your moggie pics!
and even older happy memories of working 2holidays2!!! in greece as a girl!
time on a sailing boat!
varnishing shutters on a villa
and painting a mural on a taverna,not a very good one, lol
i am still happy in my way
i have many happy memories of my time withj mr bb
i think as a carer and spouse you have a special intimacy
and caring and making the other person happy is the priority
i have a tkt free for the body beautiful at the british museum today
have bigbearflu so not sure if i'll go
but my memories of mr bb are far more beautiful than any greek god
his humour his wit his intelligence his kindness his patience
etc etc etc,
i think grief is different for everyone
no rules, eg the worst time is 6mths afterwrds ,
i am so sorry for your loss,
i just happened to check excarers section
and felt a rush of sympathy foryou
i recently started sorting mr bbs massive library
and boxes of old bills paperwork
council are murmuring
looks like i may be rehoused b4 i die!
it does make it easier for me to know i'm not alone
i hope it helps you to know the old big bear is in the same boat!
will be thinking of you,
please keep posting!
love hugs and respect
big bear ;) :) xx
Well done on posting Paul.
There are no rules on grief and no time limits.
Thank you every one for your reply's, Big Bear, thank you, Susieq, hugs back, Myrtle and Bowlingbun thank you, Scally, wish the worst was over, but that has yet to come I am afraid, day by day, and we see how it goes.
Hello Paul... Heartfelt thoughts to both you and Julie. I will never understand why families behave the way they do, particularly at times when you really do need them to be there for you. I know, like so many others here, we felt that we knew Kerry Ann from all the posts you wrote about your adventures both good times and bad.

Tony's son Sam passed away 14 years ago at the age of 14. I don't understand the pain, no-one really can unless they are thrown into that awful situation. All I can say is that now, mostly, Tony gets through the days easier. I see him smiling again without feeling guilt, I watch him looking at old photos with a smile and I hear him talking of Sam without tears. We all deal with grief and grief affects us all differently and in the same way that there is no right way for a new born baby to behave (they don't read Dr Spock!), there is really no right way for us to deal with grief. We just have to do it the way we feel most able.

I hope you feel that you can contact us whenever you need to Paul. Take good care of each other.

Bell x
Paul, Julie, and furry friends,

I just wanted to send some more hugs to you. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child but the old cliche of one day at a time, perhaps, for a very long time, seems the most apt.

I too am struggling with the pain of losing my mum a few months ago but I do appreciate that at least that is in the natural order.

Keep cuddling the furry friends, and know that Kerry Ann would be proud of you.

dear paul,
thinking of you ,
hugs big bear x